Pudding wine and a patient (Rousse)

I winced when TPR ordered pudding wine. He was a last-minute guest at our business dinner, and it certainly wasn’t his place to make demands of the waiting staff to meet his expensive personal tastes. I hoped that BR and the newer members of the teaching team would not notice TPR’s indiscretion.

The next day I could not recall who had paid for the previous evening’s dinner. Had anyone picked up the bill? Did I owe anyone any money? If so, how much? I walked down to JK’s office to see if she knew the answers to my questions.

On my way I bumped into SM. She held in her hand the hand-written bill from the meal. As yet it was unpaid, but she was confident that this would be covered by our clients. There was no reason for me to fret.

I continued on my mission to see JK. She was not alone. At the other side of her desk was a very pale and puffy AJW, wrapped up in a blanket. She looked far too ill to be on a university campus. I learnt that AJW had a throat infection, but nowhere to stay, so JK had taken her in. I immediately arranged for AJW to be transported back to my flat. She would be placed under the care of TPR until she made a full recovery.

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Magic tables only a partial solution to University accommodation problems (Rousse)

I was dismayed over the state of my accommodation. I had been allocated a tiny desk squeezed into the corner of a large computer lab populated by PhD students. My computer and printer took up most of the desk’s surface so there was very little space in which to work.

I hunted around for some spare furniture to see if I could rearrange things a little. At the back of the room I found a magic table. At first glance it was barely the size of a tea tray, but if you pulled on its legs it expanded to a decent size. I decided to fit this between the end of my desk and the wall as a way to extend my work space.

When I returned to my spot I found that the technician, who was in the process of setting up my printer, was also chatting to the Vice Principal. This was my opportunity to make known the appalling office accommodation conditions for academics at the University.

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Handbag thief victim found in possession of illegal currency (Rousse)

I eventually worked out that my little soft blue shoulder bag had probably been stolen in York, possibly at the railway station or from the train. Wherever this incident took place, it was extremely inconvenient.

Months later I was very surprised when the handbag resurfaced at my workplace. I was so pleased to find that my keys were still in there. Now I wouldn’t need to bother the school office staff every time I needed a key to get into my office.

LO and I sat down together to examine the bag’s contents. LO counted out the coins left in the purse while I examined the sorry state of my credit cards.

“I think they must have been an international gang” LO suggested. “Just look at these serrated eastern European beer bottle top coins!”

I peered over to her side of the table and spotted something else: half a dozen newly minted silver commemorative British crowns.

We both wondered where this currency had come from. None of these coins had been in my handbag on the day that it was stolen. Now that these items were in our possession, were we in danger?

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The hero of the indoor pub shinty team (Rousse)

My husband was the star player of the indoor pub shinty team, much admired for his amazing sporting talent. His favourite trick was to launch the puck into the goal from any angle without disturbing the drinkers in the pub at the time.

I, in contrast, was a liability to the team. I couldn’t get my head around the rule that the puck could never be out of play. This meant that I kept getting into trouble whenever I attempted to retrieve the puck temporarily lost behind the bar.

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Facilities at the best hotel in China (Rousse)

On a recent business trip I enjoyed the facilities of the best hotel in China. Each room boasted:

  1. A bathroom mirror that was so sophisticated that it could show you the state of the back of your teeth;
  2. A cellophane-wrapped teddy on your bed;
  3. Two maids who were (a) completely fluent in English, and (b) permanently assigned to meeting your every need.
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Apple first to innovate again with integrated iPad printer (Rousse)

The latest iPad came with an integrated printer. CF demonstrated Apple’s latest amazing innovation at N and S’s house in Nine Mile Burn, Midlothian.

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CPD trainer at Edinburgh University struggles with workload, Apple iOS7, and an unwelcome photograph (Rousse)

SR came out of retirement solely to summon JB and me to a meeting. He passed on a message that our colleagues thought that we were slackers. It was high time that the pair of us made a serious effort to take on our share of the school’s workload. I disagreed with this assessment, yet was keen to do whatever was necessary to prove it wrong. It appeared that the best way to achieve this was for me to add yet another set of commitments to my calendar. I would join the team that delivered university-wide CPD courses.

The very next day I was expected to lead a training event. I accepted SR’s offer to pick me up and drive me to the venue. I turned up at the collection point as arranged, but he only took me as far as the fish shop. When he refused to drive the car any further I pointed out that this was hardly a help at all: we were barely a ten minute walk from my house. A further problem was that SR didn’t actually know the exact location of venue, other than it was at the University of Edinburgh. I suggested that perhaps it was the Pleasance or Inspace? SR had no idea.

In a desperate attempt to identify the venue I switched on my iPhone to scroll through my e-mails. Those naughty rascals CJ and his sister SJ had upgraded the operating system to iOS7 since I’d last used my phone. The new interface made everything so difficult, but I soldiered on.

Then, when I finally struck the relevant material, I was appalled. Admittedly all my courses were advertised alongside a very beautiful headshot photograph of me. However, if you looked closely at the shot, you could tell that it was taken in the bathroom. On the day that the marketing assistant photographer had shot these pictures she had promised me and RA that they would never be distributed. She had betrayed our trust completely.

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Lost in a Birmingham blizzard at Christmas (Rousse)

The server dropped the half-filled ice cream cone when the call came through. It was now snowing very heavily outside, and anyone who wanted to travel any further needed to get back into their vehicles immediately.

TPR and I rushed out of the service station along with everyone else. There wasn’t room for us in the coach, so we had no option but to track it in our own car. This plan worked reasonably well until the coach took an unexpected turning off the motorway into a petrol station and TPR failed to follow it.

We now had to face up to the prospect of spending Christmas lost on the motorways of Birmingham in a blizzard.

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Cinema goers demand a refund (Rousse)

No wonder we never went to the cinema. How could the audience tolerate these compulsory political lectures before the screening of each film? We demanded a refund on our ticket price.

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Pension rights and divorce (Rousse)

My former colleague’s husband took me to one side and revealed his secret:

“I’ve fallen in love with a religious woman in the village and we are moving in together”, he whispered.

“Does E know?” I enquired.

“No, but I will divorce her”, he replied.

I predicted months of supporting my friend, and helping her pursue her idiotic husband for every penny of his pension.

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