Author Archives: Dreamaticus

Garden tools break the rules (Rousse)

At the airport, my sister-in-law JLR carried the hoe, and her partner J the rake. It wasn’t until we were just about to board the flight that it occurred to us that the size and shape of these items contravened … Continue reading

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Unqualified medical advice in Stockton-on-Tees (Rousse)

My mother lived happily alone above a pharmacy in Stockton-on-Tees. Our only worry was that she was offering medical advice to her visitors. This was on account of her proximity to the drug dispensary. We told everyone to ignore her.

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A new job at the University of Nowhere (Rousse)

My colleague called in sick, so I offered to take his class. My instructions were first to collect his teaching materials from the print room. These comprised: a selection of peer-reviewed journal articles, each in a buff folder; a special … Continue reading

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Belle blasts Beastie Boys

I was cast as a ‘Greek Chorus’ type flatmate in a reality show. I would make strange entrances and exits and comment on what the contestants were up to. My most famous entrance was via a black shiny helicopter equipped … Continue reading

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Stephen Fry stalker (Rousse)

‘Will you please get out of my line of sight?’ Stephen Fry barked from the podium. He had noticed me at last, but he still didn’t know that I was his stalker.

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Naked swimmer’s shame (Rousse)

TPR was about to bring even more shame upon us. After our long swim downstream, he hauled himself out of the river in the middle of a densely populated American city, peeled off his wetsuit, and declared that it was … Continue reading

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The draw of Guatemala (Rousse)

The garden of my great-grandparents’ house was crammed with people I knew, from TPR’s sunbathing ex-colleagues to my board gaming PhD students. The latter group was my target. I promised them the full experience of the mess and quirkiness of … Continue reading

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Portrait painting in the compost corner (Rousse)

JLW had long dropped out of our friendship group, so what was she doing in my garden standing next to an easel in the area usually reserved for the compost bin? She was teaching techniques of portrait painting to a … Continue reading

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Lost audience, sight, and a Dutch cap (Rousse)

When responding to the question as to how I had met my boyfriend, my first job was to correct the enquirer. We were simply friends from University who had first met at a bus stop on the Bristol Road South … Continue reading

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Flood, theft, and burglary (Rousse)

It rained so heavily that the entire garden turned into a massive, muddy, swamp. Our tandem was stolen in front of our very eyes. When I stepped out of bed onto the rough surface of an inferior replacement for our … Continue reading

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