Fight breaks out on A702 as couple takes the wrong road south (Rousse)

At best our relations might be described as “professional”. At worst they were “frosty”. On an average day we tolerated one another – so why did he have his arm around me, and why did it feel so natural to be cosying up to him?!

We decided that the next event would take place at Northumbria University in Newcastle, and immediately set off by foot to explore the venue. It was only when we were already a couple of miles along the A702 that we realised that we should have been following the A68.

Things were further complicated when we were attacked by a gang of strangers who tried to steal our equipment. We had to fight really hard to retrieve the sticks and pucks for the ice-breaker game, and reload them onto our trolley.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

What (not) to wear to your reunion (Rousse)

My mother-in-law told us that she was “just popping out” so why had she left us for hours with nothing to do other than put away the dishes? Eventually we gave up on her and caught a lift to the shopping centre.

On the lower floor I was surprised to find members of my own final year undergraduate class, all here for some sort of organised gathering. Although everyone else was in the know, I was clueless. Had I really planned another reunion? And what was this ghastly uniform that they were all wearing? My contemporaries looked terrible, all dressed in short boxy Channel-style suit jackets made of thick bouclé fabrics in a multitude of lurid colours. What had happened to their sense of style? Didn’t they know that this was not a good look?

Now I was faced with the challenge of being the one in charge of a huge group of badly dressed (mainly) middle-aged women, with no plans whatsoever. There was also the risk that my mother-in-law would reappear and expect my attention.

I approached a member of staff on duty at one of the food court stands and asked where we might hold the reunion. She pointed to some vacant shabby seats and tables behind her. This would have to do.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Katie Price returns to work as earnings drop (Rousse)

Katie Price (AKA Jordan) was offering her services as a beautician at Edinburgh Royal Infirmary.

“Why would anyone with your wealth be waxing other people’s legs?” I asked her.

“I only earn £300,000 a year”, she replied as she called in her next client.

Meanwhile, led by a man in a grey cashmere scarf and his wife, a coach-load of Romanian pensioners waited outside the main hospital entrance. They were assisted by a young Scottish student, employed as their local guide. The student explained that the visitors were healthcare tourists. Each had paid a huge sum of money to come to Scotland for plastic surgery.

NHS Scotland was clearly pleased with this East European custom. A brass band played as the patients lined up to board the trolleys that would take them into theatre.

Katie Price is a Dreamaticus regular. Catch up with her here:

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Birmingham’s Grand Canyon (Rousse)

We now lived almost permanently in a tiny house on a rough estate in Birmingham. Even so, we welcomed many visitors, the majority of whom were young men taking breaks along the route of their very long journeys south. I remember one in particular who was in need of a good wash. Rather than dirty our white porcelain bath, he plunged into the lavatory bowl for his ablutions.

It was several weeks before I realised that our house was close to a site of outstanding natural beauty and geological significance. If you walked just a few steps beyond our front door you reached a massive canyon, so big that it rivalled the Grand Canyon itself. If I could only shake off the annoying teenage girls who followed me everywhere around the estate, I would head over to the canyon and take some photos.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Recreated photos of a French past (Rousse)

When I first came across the pictures I thought that they were of A and D’s wedding. I had enlargements made so that I could put them into an old-fashioned cloth-covered photograph album to give to my French friends.

It was only when I was arranging the enlargements that I spotted myself in the photos of the family groups. I must have been there to look after A and D’s baby twins. I also noted that the “bride” was wearing a hyacinth blue silk dress. This all meant that these couldn’t possibly have been pictures from the wedding day. Perhaps it was the children’s christening party?

A and D were delighted with their present – so much so that they invited everyone to a reunion at a small hotel in France. The highlight of the day came when we all dressed up in the clothes that we had worn three decades earlier to recreate every picture in the album.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Christmas tree hazard (Rousse)

I caught my foot in the trailing fairy lights at the base of the Christmas tree and tumbled across the polished wooden floor of my parents’ mansion.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Tomsk Womble halts divorce proceedings (Rousse)

“Of course, you know that my husband and I couldn’t possibly separate until January 2015 at the very earliest?” asked a friend while we were in the process of discussing the divorce of another.

“Why’s that?” I enquired.

“In the January sales we bought our daughter a stuffed Tomsk Womble. We plan to give it to her together for Christmas next year. If we split up before December 2014, whatever will become of the poor Womble?” she replied.

I agreed that this was a very good point. You shouldn’t leave stray Wombles lying around the place, even if this gets in the way of your future long-term happiness.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Door-to-door salesman firearms shocker (Rousse)

It was Sunday morning at 10:00am and we were still fast asleep when the doorbell rang. TPR grabbed his dressing gown and made a dash down the hallway to see who was calling. I followed him.

Our caller was a door-to-door salesman offering cleaning products. His sales technique was somewhat threatening. He wore a full face mask and carried a rifle. When TPR told him that we weren’t interested in his wares, the salesman pointed his gun at one of our hanging baskets, took aim, and pulled the trigger. He laughed excitedly as the floral display crashed to the ground, then scampered up the steps and on to his next sales call.

TPR was convinced that we would not hear from our caller again. I wasn’t too sure of this. At the top of the steps he had torn off his mask, and I had seen his face. Wouldn’t he now be obliged to come back and kill me?

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Tricksters grow penguin crop (Rousse)

They played a trick on me. TPR and his gentlemen friends said that they had sown the field with fir tree saplings. They hadn’t. Instead they had planted out a crop of baby penguins.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Virgin TV disappointment (Rousse)

TPR and I had two homes in Edinburgh. The first was a basement flat with excellent storage. The other was a bright, airy Newhaven apartment with open views across the Firth of Forth. Whenever we were in one we decided to sell the other, but somehow never managed to get as far as contacting an estate agent to set the plans in motion.

It felt like we had broken into an elite circle when the two Professors M came round for dinner at the Newhaven apartment. After the meal one asked if I would be willing to be interviewed for her research project. I agreed, but lost favour quickly when it became obvious that I knew very little about current television schedules. What sort of idiot had never heard of Virgin TV?

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment