A lipstick promotion compensation (Rousse)

The promotion interviews were arranged for a Saturday morning in a school gym.

However, since I only learnt last minute that all candidates were required to give a presentation on their research, I arrived at the venue completed unprepared to speak about my work. I also turned up in jeans and a jumper rather than a suit.

On the spot I told the panel chair that I would be withdrawing my application. Later I put in a formal complaint to HR about their poor communication channels. A young woman offered me a thin red lipstick as compensation for my trouble.

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Big knickers for Katie Price and her pal (Rousse)

I helped Katie Price and another glamour model shop for big knickers.

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Bring your own bacon (Belle)

I wasn’t managing the conference stress very well. When a delegate requested a bacon sandwich, I jumped up on stage and shouted “Buy your own bloody pig!” over the microphone.

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Scottish hurricane transport (Rousse)

One minute I was watching the rain lash against a top bedroom window of a guest house on the Isle of Lewis. The next I was whipped up from my seat by the force of the hurricane and transported to the town of Langholm in the Borders.

I eventually returned to the Hebridean guest house in my red Peugeot 205, with a stop-off in Edinburgh along the way (narrowly avoiding a parking ticket in Abercromby Place).

When it was time to pack to go home at the end of our holiday, I was furious to find that my sisters had filled my suitcase with sticky nuts.

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A quick house move (Rousse)

TPR and I had just moved into a massive fully-furnished modern house with views across the valley. Keen for his children to enjoy a country childhood, I persuaded PC and his family to take over one of the wings.

After a few days in residence, I decided that arrangement of the rooms was not exactly to my liking. I needed a study, but rather than use a pokey bedroom at the back for my workplace, I would prefer a room with a view.

I was just about to start moving furniture around so that I could place my desk at the mezzanine window that looked over the valley at the front, when a woman in a suit stopped me in my tracks. I was to touch nothing in the house other than straighten the beds and do some light hoovering. This property was now back on the market.

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Death by double knitting (Rousse)

The members of my old running group were gathering in the gym. When I spotted the SEB joking with them I found it it very difficult to resist the urge to strangle her with a length of purple double knitting wool.

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Drug dealing in Dublin (Rousse)

Seated in the back of the car to the left of me, JS asked why she would not be joining the book group trip to Dublin. I found it hard to believe that she had forgotten all about her forthcoming hospital visit, but kindly reminded her of her knee operation. Meanwhile I was trying to shrug off NI to my right as he attempted to put his left arm around my shoulders.

In the city of Dublin itself I was astonished by the enduring poverty of the city’s residents, who were crammed into medieval slum housing. Those lucky enough to have any cash were queuing outside the most famous shop in Dublin: an Eastern bazaar run from the top of a tower block by a beautiful Arab dressed in multi-coloured silks. I worried that the fancy goods on offer might be a front for more sinister trading activities.

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