Kneeling toilet is a safe haven for jewellery stash (Rousse)

No wonder I kept getting lost in the hotel. Due to a booking mishap, every day TPR and I were moved from one bedroom to another. Although annoying, it would have been so much worse if the weather had been good and we’d been dealing with wet swimming costumes each day too.

Of greater concern was my jewellery. Why had I thought it a great idea to bring every piece of value half way across the world with me to the Caribbean, and what had prompted me to unfurl my brown and red leather jewellery roll in front of everyone, including a bunch of school friends? I really was asking for trouble.

Dressed in a thin white dressing gown, with a pair of knickers in one hand and my precious jewellery collection in the other, I set off through the hotel corridors hunting for TPR.

He was nowhere to be seen, so I ended up hiding with my booty in the ‘kneeling toilets’ for Chinese and Japanese guests.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Turning down Loughborough (Rousse)

I performed well in my interview for a chair at Loughborough University, and it came as no surprise when Eric (the Head of School) offered me the job. I was delighted with this outcome, as was AM, who had always wanted to work with me.

My return journey home, however, completely put me off moving to the Midlands. Just before I left campus I saw uniformed staff grab a very tall naked man, force him onto a stretcher, and carry him away against his will. Then – despite the help of my soon-to-be new colleagues – I ended up on the wrong bus to the airport. While it was fortunate that I realised this in time, forgetting to take my belongings with me when I switched buses was a complete disaster.

I came to the conclusion that, on balance, I would be better off not taking the job at Loughborough.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Disguised David and Victoria Beckham murder distraction (Rousse)

While sharped-eyed tourists spotted semi-disguised David and Victoria Beckham strolling down Edinburgh’s Royal Mile, my murderous rampage around the city was still secret – but not for much longer…

I thought that it would be safe to store the latest corpse in the boot of an old black Volkswagen beetle destined for scrap – until my mother and husband decided to check the contents of the abandoned car parked at the bottom of Victoria Street.

They would soon be dreadfully disappointed to discover that I was murderer. The revelation of my evil antics was unimportant to me. Rather, my main concern was the prospect of spending the rest of my life in a prison cell.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Expensive Scottish border sandwiches, sandals, and snow (Rousse)

As we crossed the border at Carter Bar, I calculated that we would reach my mother’s house around 4pm. By this time my passengers would be rather hungry. I would not take any chances on the stock of my mother’s fridge and kitchen cupboards, so stopped off at the first shop to buy four (very expensive) sandwiches to eat in the car.

Later, I trudged through six inches of snow looking for JG so that I could celebrate his birthday with him. My feet were freezing in Jesus sandals and no socks.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Boris Johnson wedding (Rousse)

As aunt to one of Boris Johnson’s children, I was invited to the big family wedding.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

UK parakeet problem hits Edinburgh (Rousse)

I pulled back the shutters and looked out of the window of the first floor. Imagine my surprise when I saw a someone come flying through the sky on the back of a man-sized robin! Also, on the branches of the trees were hundreds of colourful birds. Here was confirmation that the UK parakeet problem had hit Edinburgh.

Then hundreds of people climbed over the far garden wall into my own plot to congratulate me from below on my newly acquired horticultural skills.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Fine art graduates offered new opportunity to market their work (Rousse)

I came up with my new business idea when standing next to a large black Edinburgh street refuse bin. Inside I could see several cellophane-wrapped mounted pictures. They were left over from the recent degree show at the art college. I inspected some more bins nearby and found further pieces of unsold art work. If I could gather all this material together, I was sure that I would find buyers for the new graduates’ output. I would offer the artists a cut on the sale price, if they allowed me to market their work.

Muscular Stuart from Dumfries (my new boyfriend) could be my business partner. I just needed to confirm that he was debt-free, and not simply courting me to gain access to my vast fortune. (There was also the minor question of his wife and two children. They knew me as a ‘family friend’. I wasn’t prepared to continue this deceit indefinitely.)

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Apple purée spillage (Rousse)

I accidentally spilt a vat of apple purée over the entire floor of the staff common room of Sheffield University’s iSchool – but nobody seemed to care.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Chip-eating COVID deniers offer hugs in Portobello (Rousse)

We spotted the Bs when we were out running on Portobello promenade. My former colleague had grown his hair so long that it rivalled that of his wife for length. One of their two sons was with them. Like us, they were eating chips out of polystyrene tubs.

EB’s first words to us were ‘Give me a hug!’ I stepped away in alarm. Had she no idea that we were living in pandemic times? When I mentioned this, she brushed aside my concerns. To her, the whole coronavirus ‘story’ was just that: a tall tale made up to alarm us all.

We left the COVID deniers, then stepped on to the beach to look at some rather elaborate sandcastles.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Planning for bi-lingual off-spring (Rousse)

My bride-to-be was a Spanish heiress who was due to inherit a massive fortune from her financier father. Her parents approved of our match, even though I was foreign and female.

The one thing that I looked forward to most of all was siring bi-lingual children.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment