Will.i.am is ‘the one’ (Belle)

I was sitting at the bar, mentally preparing myself for my next meeting.  Since I had arrived half an hour ago several cool, beautiful people had turned up and I was humiliated by my tatty tweed skirt and cardigan.

Despite this I could see that Will.i.am was openly admiring me from across the room.  He looked fabulous in his royal blue suit and smart hat.  When he asked for my phone number,  I knew instantaneously.  I had – at last – met the one.  And the same was true for him.  At long last my true love had appeared.

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Stocking-masked criminal and canine sidekick despatched into the night (Rousse)

My family members were still scattered around the house, lounging about and chatting, and ignoring my instructions to put on their coats and shoes in readiness for the trip out to the Edinburgh Fringe to see the Scottish Falsetto Sock Puppet Theatre. The show started in half an hour, yet not even TPR heeded my demands to get out of the door and into the cars. Instead I discovered him in a state of undress doing sit-ups on the green bedroom carpet.

Then the doorbell rang. Another visitor could only make matters worse. My heart sank when I opened the door and saw who was there: my geriatric personal stalker, brandishing a gun. Both he and his fierce dog wore stockings as disguise over their heads.

I knew that if I refused them entry, I’d be shot dead on the spot, so I invited the pair of them in. It would take a short while, but in the basis of previous visits I was pretty sure that I would be able to calm my stalker down – so long as I first gave him a bit of space to rant about the dangers of social networking.

At least on this occasion I was not alone in the house. As I showed my stalker and dog into the hall I summoned all-male back-up in the form of my father, nephew P, brother-in-law M, and TPR. Within seconds we had wrestled the gun from our criminal visitor, then despatched him and his canine sidekick back into the night.

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George Clooney charms Edinburgh (Rousse)

George Clooney was back in Edinburgh, and now that we were firm friends he opted to stay at my house rather than a hotel.

It was a pity that I had to go to work while he visited, but that made no difference to George. He was quite happy to follow me wherever I needed to be, and didn’t mind accompanying me to the office.

The only problem was that whenever we set off to catch the number 29 bus across town to campus excited fans would approach George and ask for his autograph and photos. He was incredibly patient with them, and I admired him all the more for his kindness.

However, I loved George best of all in the knowledge that no matter how long he spent answering the questions of awe-struck strangers, he was mine, all mine – at least for the time being.

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England manager hosts the party of the year (Rousse)

IS and I had been invited to the party of the year – a school reunion hosted by an England football manager at his mansion. We arrived early in order to secure the best accommodation for the night, and were the first to grab towelling dressing gowns from the hook on the back door.

You could tell that this was a celebration for the mega-rich. Everyone had brought at least one iPad, and some were equipped with MacAirs as well. Tablet PCs and laptops were so abundant that people were quite happy to leave them unguarded at their tables when they got up to dance or collect food from the buffet. I “borrowed” one so that I could demonstrate Blipfoto to a stranger.

The highlight of the evening, however, came when JB flew in from California. She came straight over to me to ask when I could visit her in San Francisco. “Not in the near future”, I replied, “Unless you know of a way to diminish my hideous workload, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to leave the country again.”

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Ageism rife at Virgin Active (Rousse)

My boss at the Virgin Active gym took one look at me and said “I’m sending you home from work. I do not want to see here you again until you have dyed those grey roots black”.

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An unwise trip to the Scottish Antique and Arts Centre (Rousse)

My father and my sister J had started their car journey from Stockton, so they were delighted when I suggested we break our journey at the Scottish Antique and Arts Centre. As we pulled into a parking space on the red gravel, I explained how the last time that I was there I had confidently predicted that we would find at least one glug jug on display. In the event there had been three on sale.

It was only when we were inside the showroom that I realised that this was probably not the most sensible place to take my father. Within minutes he had gathered up an armful of purchases including a six inch tall blue Toby jug and a fake Clarice Cliff milk jug, and now he was eyeing up second hand waders in the fishing tackle section.

Meanwhile J was interested in the collection of veterinary memorabilia, and enjoyed watching the metal workers at the forge in the basement.

Even I caught the buying bug and almost gave in to purchasing a 1960s dish that depicted game birds flying over a field – for no reason other than it matched something that we had once owned at the White House.

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Shoe shops, a suitcase, and a dodgy taxi ruin travel plans (Rousse)

It was a real rush at the end of the Turku conference. Poor GW did her best to get me to the airport in time for my flight to London Heathrow (and onwards to meetings in Swindon), but I got distracted by shoe shops and then lost my brown suitcase.

The dodgy taxi driver who carried his wife and children along with every fare finally agreed to take me to the terminal at 8pm for an 8.20pm take-off and – inevitably – I missed it.

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French flood wipes out village (Rousse)

My mother and I lived in a log cabin in the upper section of a rural French village. During the day she worked in the cinema further down the valley, quite close to the river and the lake. My daily routine involved travelling to Inverary to write journal articles with my co-authors RA, GW and SK, and a young man whose contributions were very much appreciated.

I often wondered what would happen if a sudden surge of meltwater from the mountains ever hit the upper reaches of the river. Would the valley flood? What would become of the lower section of the village?

On the day that my ponderings turned to reality I was extremely grateful to be safe at home in the log cabin. I watched in awe and horror as a huge tsunami came tumbling down the mountains.

However, my escape was not without its difficulties. I lost my mother, and the flood cut me off from most of the rest of the world. I was left with just my four Dutch neighbours for company, and none of us had any food. In addition, some essential items – such as my wallet, iPhone and camera – were in Inverary, so I had no ID or money.

When we five survivors eventually came across an information desk where we could ask for help we struck another problem. My French was so poor that I didn’t have the vocabulary to explain our situation and beg for help.

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Two unwanted pregnancies and an unwelcome underwater trip (Rousse)

This was terrifying news. A friend who took fortress-style contraceptive measures, and another who was years past the menopause, had both fallen pregnant. Was it catching? Would I be next?

I hoped not. I had enough troubles of my own for the time being. Only that morning I had already fallen down the lavatory (someone had left the lid up) and knocked out half my upper row of teeth.

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Nick Hewer waves off candidate for china restoration and robot building roles (Rousse)

I grabbed my iPhone and camera and made a dash to board the ferry back to the mainland. When Nick Hewer (Lord’s Sugar’s advisor on The Apprentice) told me that I had left my pink notebook behind I said to leave it. I wouldn’t need that where I was heading.

I was surprised at the number of Chinese people who disembarked the incoming service. The latest tourist marketing campaign had clearly taken effect.

Once on board the boat I regretted not wearing a cardigan. Clad so inappropriately for an outdoor crossing on the open sea, it was a very uncomfortable journey.

When I eventually reached the mainland JK explained why she had summoned me. Without my knowledge she had responded to two calls for research proposals on my behalf, and both had been successful. Despite my poor hearing I gradually made out that the first project required me to restore an antique china tea service. The other – for someone called Horace who worked in health sciences – was to transform a life-size jointed wooden artist’s model into a fully-functional robot with operational limbs. The purpose of the latter was to create a near-human dummy on which the students could practise massage therapies.

Without question, both projects were beyond my capabilities. I therefore made up an excuse about being late for my shift as a technical support engineer at Apple. Then I left before they could come up with any further madcap plans for my employment.

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