TPR laughed at me from the other end of the treatment table while my friend tried her best to keep a straight face. Then fitness trainer SS appeared from nowhere and attempted to clamber up on to the table and join me. I winced when I saw that she had her two boys and husband in tow. If they climbed up too, the table would collapse.
I had thought that a massage would relax me. Now I knew that I was wrong.
I had sourced a rare, early version of a clothes peg doll. Although only three inches tall, its remarkable resemblance to Sarah Jessica Parker (SJP) meant it was both highly collectable and extremely valuable.
As I walked down the street, a large smoky windowed limousine pulled up alongside me and SJP herself stepped out and rushed over to me. She embraced me, felt in my pocket, pulled out the doll which was wrapped in delicate tissue paper, and ran off thanking me for the generous ‘gift’.
It was a rare sight: hotel guests bathing in the sea long into the evening on the Isle of Lewis. All that spoilt the peace was the permanent threat of underwater gypsy robbers.
ED and I travelled to the misty isle and arrived under three fabulous rainbows. “These are almost as beautiful as the ones I saw in Haslemere” she remarked.
I found it hard to believe that the rainbows of the Home Counties could ever rival the magnificence of those on almost permanent display in the Hebrides.
I seemed to be unfairly treated in comparison with the others who had adopted the commune’s medieval lifestyle. For example, I was the last to be served my cabbage ration, and a rude woman wouldn’t let me use the upstairs lavatory.
Then I began to question the authenticity of the whole set-up. How could potatoes be counted as a staple of the community’s diet when they were not known in Europe until the second half of the sixteenth century? More to the point, how come JM was allowed to have his iPhone out on display and was now happily downloading the latest Formula 1 app in front of everyone?
I needed to speak urgently to PhD student S. I could see her out of the window from my office in the tower block on campus. I called out to her and she said that she would come up straight away.
What I didn’t anticipate was that she would scale the external brickwork of the building rather than use the internal stairs. This was a brave feat given that she was in crutches only 6 months ago.
This was also an unwise decision on S’s part because it added even more to my hideous workload. Did I really have the requisite carpentry skills to dismantle the window pane from its wooden frame so that S could squeeze her body through the gap once she reached my floor? Why couldn’t she just use the stairs like everyone else?
My husband Harry Potter raged when he heard that I was having an affair with the evil black knight. On his way to complain about my behaviour to my father, he tried to mow me down at the side of the road in his red Fiat Stilo. What he didn’t appreciate was that the black knight had kidnapped me against my wishes and – so far – I had resisted his evil will.
I dropped my own bags off at the airport lounge luggage “intersection” as instructed (something like “fourth and Broadway”) and then went outside to look at the pile of rucksacks in the wet.
“That one belongs to Mick Jagger” said the woman with blond hair, “He’s off to Ireland to play at a festival”. I thought I’d do Mick a favour and wrap his luggage up in a see-through carrier bag. That would protect it from the rain. I would also drop my business card into the package so that he could write me a thank you letter. It would be great to get his autograph.
I set up my lap top on the sea wall, with the desktop machine nearby as back-up. I was meant to be working, but from time to time it was fun to look up and watch the water. I was just considering the best angle from which to photograph the shoreline when a huge wave raced up from the sea and crashed all over my belongings.
I rang Computing and Information Technology Services to beg for help in rescuing my kit. I soon learnt that they were not responsible for any equipment that had been taken off campus illegally.
