Bigamist escapes to Africa on the cruise ship Botswana (Rousse)

Posted on June 24, 2018 by Dreamaticus

I was a bigamist five times over and now feared detection. So, dressed in a white sailor’s uniform complete with brass buttons, I escaped the police by boarding the cruise ship Botswana in Ullapool harbour. I looked forward to completing the journey as an anonymous crew member, then would ditch my disguise at our final destination and start a new life in Africa. If this plan failed and my identity was uncovered en route, I would simply end it all by throwing myself overboard.

I hoped that my ‘husbands’ had it in their heart to forgive me, especially the two of whom I was most fond: (1) my long-term favourite TPR; (2) my most recent groom, the school teacher from Inverness.

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Living with Richard Osman (Belle)

Posted on June 24, 2018 by Dreamaticus

Despite finding me in bed with a strange man, Richard Osman announced he was happy to help me find my missing dog.  Only later did I realise he must have been the one who let the dog out in the first place.

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Corporate fun (with a dodgy doctor) in Hawaii (Rousse)

Posted on June 23, 2018 by Dreamaticus

TPR and I were shepherded into a tiny cupboard with some of his colleagues at a corporate party in Hawaii. Meanwhile those preparing the later activity conducted a team partnering exercise. Several people were swapped back and forth across cupboards until the desired team combinations were achieved.

Afterwards TPR found a blue spaniel that he believed would suit one of the US executives. While he led it away, I lay on the grass and allowed the company doctor to perform a well-woman check on me. Before long I doubted the status of the medic and asked a passerby-by to track down TPR so that he could rescue me from the quack.

The day ended happily on a motorboat, from which we watched dolphins playing in the bay.

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A Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Christmas surprise (Rousse)

Posted on June 22, 2018 by Dreamaticus

TPR kept a shop not far from the Edinburgh city bypass. It sold traditional toys.

One Christmas Eve I walked to the shop with KA. On the way I regaled her with tales of Queen Margaret College graduate MR, his Liverpudlian accent, and his girlfriend V.

When we arrived we found TPR on the phone to his friend Carl. He ended the call abruptly so we concluded that they must have been discussing a Christmas surprise for the pair of us.

A family of four was in the shop at the time. The toddler twins were very taken by the blue wooden-wheeled ducks.

Then KA looked out of the window and cried ‘Fire!’ A huge plume of black smoke was heading towards us – but it was only a steam engine tugging Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. (Perhaps this was our surprise?)

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Supermarket shelf stealer looks forward to a weekend away at the Balcary Bay Hotel (Rousse)

Posted on June 21, 2018 by Dreamaticus

Since we ran out of storage space in our house, I had taken to secretly commandeering some shelves in Tesco. There I left a dozen Moomin mugs in a raffia basket, and several spare duvets in John Lewis boxes.

On the day that Stephen the store manager found out about my exploits, he told me that he was ‘somewhat sympathetic’. However, he also warned me that I couldn’t do this forever: he needed the shelving to display detergents.

On my way back from the supermarket I found three abandoned items on a wall: (1) a small iron cauldron (not unlike one that I had recently seen on the Antiques roadshow); (2) a mermaid sculpture: and (3) a dolphin doorknocker. I picked them up to carry home and show to my family before we set off for a weekend away at the Balcary Bay hotel.

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Head seeks full-bodied boyfriend (Rousse)

Posted on June 20, 2018 by Dreamaticus

The head that bobbed in the corner of the gym swimming pool moaned at me (again) that she still hadn’t found a boyfriend.

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Bride misses men in cashmere suits (Rousse)

Posted on June 20, 2018 by Dreamaticus

Even though it was my wedding, my mother would not allow me to go running with my sisters. Instead I was sent to my father to be chastised for not attending the cashmere suit fashion show after the wedding ceremony.

I argued that I loved men in suits and that I would never have missed this event had I known that it was part of the nuptials programme. Simply nobody had told me about it.

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Thieving World Cup football fans (Rousse)

Posted on June 19, 2018 by Dreamaticus

I was pleased that the meeting was called in Corbridge because it was an easy ride back from there to Edinburgh. I checked the old-fashioned departure board at the railway station and confirmed my plan to catch the 13:45 service north.

However, at the very start of the meeting we were told that the venue was switching to an airport hotel in Newcastle that had been set up for a wedding and the football World Cup. LM was particularly aggrieved by this because (a) it was a Sunday and (b) she had made the effort to travel to Corbridge all the way from Glasgow.

Then we discovered that there were thieves among the football fans. My iPhone was stolen, as was LM’s handbag.

‘That’s one way to justify an upgrade to an iPhone10’, I concluded.

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Belle’s beautiful romance

Posted on June 18, 2018 by Dreamaticus

While attending a series of final year shows, I met a handsome young artist.  We got along so well, we agreed to spend “exactly 24 hours” together to do “come what may”.

It was quickly obvious we were a perfect – if rather unusual – couple. We went to a party in a large mansion. My beau said that they had rung the owner to find out the value of the house and taken out an insurance policy in case of accidental damage.  I was impressed by this thoughtful gesture.

He took me to the seaside and we watched sheep climbing the outside walls of the cottages.  Their progress was disrupted by a donkey climbing down from an upstairs bedroom. Eventually I was taken to a restaurant to meet my lover’s older sister who disapproved of our affair.  However, I soon won her around with my use of alliteration.

 

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Highland traffic problems (Rousse)

Posted on June 16, 2018 by Dreamaticus

After a comfortable night in a remote highland bed and breakfast, the following morning I was appalled to find that it was located next to a huge roundabout at the intersection of several motorways.

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