I won a star role in an all important, much trailed, Friday night episode of The Archers.

David Archer was happy to release the stranger that we found sleeping on the floor in a back corridor of Ambridge Hall. However, Lily Pargetter and I suspected that just as soon as darkness fell, this scruff would steal the treasure concealed in a nearby cupboard. We were also pretty sure that he would be carrying on his body some clues to his criminal intent.

‘Pull down his pants!’ shouted Lily.

‘There’s nothing here’ declared David as we all stared at the limp member presented to us. (Was it permissible to display genitals in an episode of this much-loved BBC radio soap opera. I wondered?)

‘What about up his rear?’ I asked. The stranger shrugged his shoulders, turned around, and stuck his bottom in the air. The long plastic-wrapped piece of cardboard secured between his cheeks looked like toothbrush packaging. All the characters in the scene concluded that only the police could confirm the criminal purpose of this item.

Our work complete, Lily and I stepped out into the sunshine, stroked two cats (one bottle green, the other a glowing amber), and waved at the tourists drifting down the Am on a pleasure cruise.