Diamond disappointment (Rousse)

Posted on August 5, 2019 by Dreamaticus

Three decades after graduating with our first degrees, several of my peers were once more taking rooms on campus. I had two sets of accommodation to organise: (1) at the University of Birmingham; (2) in France.

In Birmingham I showed off the large mounted diamond that DT had given to me in 1985. It was one of my most precious possessions – until another graduate asked me why I had been carrying a shard of back-lit glass around with me for all these years.

In France I discovered that university admin staff now speak English, but are still rather rude.

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Demelza Poldark tour guide (Rousse)

Posted on August 5, 2019 by Dreamaticus

Demelza Poldark planned my summer holiday for me.

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Fiona Bruce fake friend (Rousse)

Posted on August 3, 2019 by Dreamaticus

At the first conference Fiona Bruce treated me with respect, and even gave the impression that she would like to be my friend. That said, she still managed to convey a sense of superiority over the academic delegates. It did not go unnoticed that while the rest of us travelled in economy to Australia, she and a giggling friend enjoyed the comfort of first class.

My relationship with Fiona soured when I withdrew as keynote speaker from the second conference. She was unwilling to accept that I felt burnt out. She was also furious that I had only given her a week to fill the speaking slot, even though I explained that all my slides were written and that someone else might be willing to deliver the presentation. The whole situation was made even worse when I insisted on staying on at the conference as a non-speaking delegate.

Amidst all this bad feeling TPR discovered a new batch of long lost relations at the conference. He was completely distracted by this opportunity to fill in gaps on numerous branches of his family tree.

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Chinese tour of Scotland (Rousse)

Posted on August 2, 2019 by Dreamaticus

We had been ‘volunteered’ to take a Chinese man and his elderly mother on a tour of the Scottish highlands.

The ‘elderly mother’ seemed rather childish to me, stuffing herself with sweets in the front passenger seat of the car. When I peered over from the back to get a better look at her however, I saw not an old woman, but a toddler.

She was not pleased to be wrenched from the front of the car and strapped into a seat at the back.

We also ensured that she had a proper early bedtime when we returned home.

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Leg resurfacing beauty treatment (Belle)

Posted on July 30, 2019 by Dreamaticus

Initially I was delighted with my new ‘leg wrap’. It folded around my entire lower leg and knee to form a new, attractive skin. Only after the seams had magically joined together did I worry about the fact that now one leg was considerably fatter than the other.

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Cliff Richard love interest (Rousse)

Posted on July 30, 2019 by Dreamaticus

Cliff Richard showed an extraordinary degree of interest in my love life, and was rather surprised when I admitted to having three ‘proper’ boyfriends plus a husband of 30+ years.

He had assumed that only a mad spinster would send him such bizarre fan mail and beg to accompany him on his next flight. While we sheltered from a downpour in a huge commercial garage, I hunted for a photograph of TPR in his ‘pool lizard’ pose to prove that I was not lying about my marital status.

As soon as the rain stopped I led Cliff along the pavement, shielding him as best I could from the prying eyes of the general public. It was clear that many people recognised him, but most were kind, allowing us to go about our business without interruption.

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Dangers of regifting unwanted presents (Rousse)

Posted on July 29, 2019 by Dreamaticus

I was on stage facing a line of dignitaries, including Donald Leach and former Moderator of the Church of Scotland Alison Elliot, to be awarded my latest undergraduate degree (classification 2:2).

I took great care when asked to sign for the certificate, deliberately flourishing the beautiful red-barrelled pen that KT had recently given me as a present. I did so in the full knowledge that Elliot had initially offered the pen as a gift to KT herself. Elliot was quick to notice this. When she asked in loud stage whisper about the origins of my pen, I told the truth: ‘It was a present from my friend KT’.

As soon as I was out the hall I rushed off to find KT. I needed to warn her that she might be in trouble with Elliot for ‘regifting’ a present to me. I found KT just along the corridor from the classroom of Upper Five Alpha, undertaking some work for the school bursar (her ‘office husband’).

KT didn’t care about any offence that the former moderator might take. ‘Doesn’t everyone pass on presents from time to time?’ she asked.

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A cycling cheat in Cumbria (Rousse)

Posted on July 28, 2019 by Dreamaticus

The blue tandem split as we were cycling through Cumbria, just moments after I mentioned to TPR that it would be interesting to call in on locations along the route that were associated with my Lancastrian ancestors.

TPR didn’t appear to have noticed that we were no longer connected and, despite my calls, continued to pedal at high speed into the far distance until he was nothing but a speck on the horizon.

Four days later I eventually caught up with him in a Lake District holiday resort. He towered above me in his blue professional cycling outfit, muscles bulging through the lycra.

TPR admitted that he had heard my cries when the tandem had first split, but had ignored them because he did not want his holiday ruined with nostalgic trips to sites of dead relatives. So that was the reason why he sped off – with all our cash and the car keys.

I suspected that he had been up to no good in the time since I last saw him. He soon confirmed my fears. He’d enjoyed liaisons with four women so far, yet he would not reveal whether or not he had paid for any of their services.

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A jewellery box burglary (Rousse)

Posted on July 28, 2019 by Dreamaticus

It had been a sticky meal all round and now my cousin’s wife SB was bringing a tray of red jellies out of the fridge. Meanwhile her daughter PB was ruining a pale leather jewellery box as she poked it with her grubby little paws.

I pick up the toddler and took her into my bedroom to show her my wooden – and less destructible – jewellery box.

When I reached my dressing table, however, I was alarmed to discover that the lid was off my jewellery box and that it was completely empty of its rare and valuable contents. How long ago had we been burgled, and why had we not noticed this until now?

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Anti-gravity children and the bonus Bakerloo line station (Belle)

Posted on July 28, 2019 by Dreamaticus

I couldn’t seem to shake this man off. At one point we were sharing a London taxi over Deptford Bridge in the 1990s. Then we were walking through a Liberty-style mock Tudor shopping mall. It was here that I saw two small children outside a newsagent bobbing up and down as if they were in a space capsule. I was curious but too embarrassed to ask questions.

Eventually I arrived home and my share of the taxi ride was £20. I stared out of my bedroom window, craning my neck to the left and for the first time realised that I had lived very close to a Bakerloo line tube station (‘Waterloo North’) for many years without realising it.

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