Speeding in Stockton-on-Tees (Rousse)

Posted on June 21, 2020 by Dreamaticus

TPR drove at top speed along Bishopton Avenue, then continued straight on at the junction with Bishopton Road West and into Oxbridge Avenue. What he didn’t appreciate was that since his last visit to this part of Stockton-on-Tees two decades ago, this main road had been downgraded to a gated traffic-free cul-de-sac.

The car  smashed through the barrier and spun to halt in front of a row of modern ‘executive homes’. I declared that TPR must now call 101 to report the incident to the police.

TPR was very reluctant to do this, especially since he had consumed a bottle of red wine with his lunch just a couple of hours earlier.

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County Durham coal mine confidences (Rousse)

Posted on June 21, 2020 by Dreamaticus

My sister S whispered over the telephone that she’d heard about a woman from County Durham, now living in Sydney, who had sold secrets about British coal-mining to the Chinese.

When I next saw her in person, my sister confided that she now feared for her own life because she had unwittingly passed on this ‘classified information’. In response I whipped out a copy of a library book that featured a glossy picture of Sydney opera house on its front cover.

‘Don’t be daft’, I said. ‘She’s already published the entire story here’.

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Failed seduction in a Birmingham bedsit (Rousse)

Posted on June 18, 2020 by Dreamaticus

Even though I vowed to him that I would never stray from the arms of TPR, my father’s cousin did his clumsy best to seduce me.

His attachment to a thin ornamental walking cane – supposedly a support for his weak wrist – was enough to put anyone off. Add to this dry kisses in his shabby brown Birmingham bedsit and it was obvious that this would never be the start of a passionate love affair.

His whole mission fell apart when railway hospitality staff started popping in and out of his bedroom to collect glasses for the evening service on trains leaving New Street station. By the time his flatmate turned up I was dressed in a yellow summer 2019 season retro cotton sundress from C&A and fawn ankle boots, ready to make my escape for a night on the town with an overweight bottle blonde friend from Newcastle.

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Banter with Chris Packham and the deathbed wedding of a soap opera character (Belle)

Posted on June 17, 2020 by Dreamaticus

I stood at the prison gates to see my friend PB released. He had been (wrongly) accused of being a suffragette and had been subjected to force feeding.  We went home and when I opened my fridge, every item in it had turned mouldy.

Meanwhile the sparks between me and Chris Packham were really flying. I’d been playing it cool, casually turning up to the bar on Monday evenings and ordering vodka and orange. Our banter game was strong and there was electricity in the air.

I wandered away from him because I was needed at the deathbed wedding of Raquel from Coronation Street. After the ceremony, we stood her up so she could wear her going away outfit and the heel on her gold shoe broke. I rolled my eyes. What a waste of money.

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Cat photos lead to fame (Belle)

Posted on June 14, 2020 by Dreamaticus

I became world famous for my photographs of cats lounging on and in limousines in India.

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Magic tricks for UK research council panel members (Rousse)

Posted on June 13, 2020 by Dreamaticus

I had a busy day ahead with a research council panel meeting in the morning followed by an operation to remove a facial skin cancer in the afternoon. CO was on the same schedule as me so – as a distraction – we spent our last night of relative freedom performing card tricks on other members of the panel.

While CO played magician, I took on the role of a regular punter. In reality, however, I was covering up for CO’s mistakes as he handled the deck. Happily the panel members were completely fooled and enjoyed the show.

Afterwards I asked CO about AM’s whereabouts since I had not heard from her for some time. ‘She’s working in Finland during lockdown’, he replied.

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Avocado bathroom suite in the museum of sanitation (Rousse)

Posted on June 12, 2020 by Dreamaticus

Dozens of bathtubs hung on the walls and from the ceiling of the saleroom. The most precious and elaborate had been recovered from ancient archaeological sites. Much of their value lay in their beautiful mosaic decorations.

To my surprise and delight, several modern coloured bathtubs formed part of the display. Some were even corner baths. I was particularly interested in the orange and green samples, delighted that these were ready for sale. Now I would be vindicated for holding on to the avocado bathroom suite in my own flat for 30 years.

However, I was to be disappointed. This was not a saleroom, but a museum of sanitation. The likelihood of anyone wishing to install an avocado bathroom suite in 2020 was the same as that for the accidental discovery of an ancient mosaic bathtub under the lawn of a suburban back garden.

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A fat boyfriend and flowers (Rousse)

Posted on June 7, 2020 by Dreamaticus

The small reunion organised our university friend JK gave my sister J the opportunity to relive one of her wittiest comments. With my ex-boyfriend ST seated at the table quite close to TPR, she reminded everyone that her first comment on my new beau in 1983 was ‘Isn’t that ST, just a bit fatter?’

Meanwhile my attempts to encourage JK and JM to converse on the topic of the Netherlands fell flat. This was because JK was embarrassed that JM had brought me a bouquet of flowers, whereas he had not.

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An unplanned wedding and retro hooligans (Belle)

Posted on June 5, 2020 by Dreamaticus

When I checked the agenda at the Women in Industry event, I was horrified to see that an afternoon session had been set aside for me to marry D, a married man with a thousand children I’d crushed on for years.

It was unclear whether he knew anything about this scheduled wedding. I was already wearing a vintage wedding dress that I had last worn to a university formal in the 1980s, but I was wearing bedroom slippers. My hair was a mess, my face was ugly, and I had no friends with me. To make matters worse, delegates were expressing their anger that a wedding had been scheduled to take place in the middle of their conference programme. I tried texting D, but my phone wasn’t working. This was the most humiliating day of my life.

What saved me was the entire conference was evacuated via bus to Oxford. There we gathered in a town square while police approached two older men, dressed in black and white stripes, larking about in a fountain.

“We identify you as the Blackburn Rovers Bovver Boys, and you are arrested”.

I was then called upon to explain 1970s football hooliganism to my fellow delegates. My reputation was restored.

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New boys in town (Rousse)

Posted on June 5, 2020 by Dreamaticus

The first duty of CM’s three boys when they moved up to Edinburgh from Leeds was to surprise me at 6:00am on my birthday.

The little one was most enthusiastic, especially when I said that I would play board games with him. Monopoly was his first choice. To the eldest I explained that I was also skilled at the more serious games, should he ever like to indulge in Settlers of Catan or Carcassonne.

They were all interested in my birthday presents. These mainly comprised slabs of expensive chocolate. CM himself reckoned that many of my well wishers were sycophants, attempting to curry favour by sending me birthday cards.

Meanwhile TPR wondered whether CM would make a good running partner.

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