Suffrajet ban on the Isle of Man (Rousse)

TPR explained that he could not possibly live on the Isle of Man because the song Worthy by the Suffrajets was on the island’s banned music list.

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A Russian spy and dangerous old English sheepdog in John Lewis (Rousse)

The University Principal found out that we were harbouring a Russian spy. She first tried to capture him by inviting us all to breakfast at her town house (with newly astro-turfed front lawn). Her servant served us, taking our orders by number Chinese restaurant-style. The plot failed. We managed to leave freely after the meal, our contact still with us.

The Principal’s second attempt to make the spy give himself up was to leave an anonymous note on our kitchen table. The deal that it described would free the spy on the condition that he revealed details of the whereabouts of all his contacts. There would also be a substantial cash reward for him. However, as a man of honour, the spy refused to play ball. He was perfectly happy to continue sheltering with us.

Meanwhile I had another problem to deal with: V and Tz’s poorly cat. I agreed to take it in a basket to the vet. This also turned out to be a dangerous mission when, en route, an enormous old English sheepdog bit my hand in the electrical department of John Lewis.

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What not to take to a beatification (Rousse)

I shamed myself at the beatification for two former popes by carrying a bottle Heinz tomato sauce in my right hand all the way through the ceremony.

Even at the conclusion of the formal proceedings, when the two appointed choir boys jumped up and down and waved banners displaying the names of the new saints, all eyes were fixed on my precious condiment.

Things not did not improve later when a beautifully coiffed, yet seriously overweight, employee of KPMG was appalled at the state of my hairbrush.

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A visit to the Manchester United and BBC comb factory (Belle)

I was guest of honour on a tour of the comb factory. Away from the production lines the offices doubled as BBC newsrooms while the glass windows looked out over the Old Trafford pitch.

They showed me a video of old TV adverts for their product. First, Ken Dodd playing a nit-comb like a musical instrument. Then they explained their decision to audition Angela Rippon by making her repeat a tongue-twister.

Later I worked for the BBC alongside Noël Coward.

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Arran by bike (Rousse)

I was the front passenger on a blue five-saddle tandem steered by my nephew P from very the last seat at the back of the bike.

To ride the winding one-track roads of the Isle of Arran without protective clothing, steered by a pilot who couldn’t see where he was going, was extremely dangerous. We were forced to bail out into the hedgerow overgrowth on a couple of bends along the route.

However, it was all worth the risk when my sister J admitted that she finally understood the attraction of the Scottish islands as a holiday destination, drawing particular attention to its pretty beaches and quirky folk museums.

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Reality TV dating and the joy of comfy slippers (Belle)

I couldn’t shake off the film crew and it dawned on me that my entire date would be televised. I wandered from shop to shop in Blackheath trying on outfits. Oddly everything looked just great on me and I bought a ruby red nylon vintage negligee.

Later on, I escaped from the date and joined my old college friend RC in a horse-drawn carriage to visit the beach. I was wearing a pair of tartan pom-pom slippers and was thrilled with how comfortable they were.

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Airport pranks with Stephen Hawking (Belle)

We were causing absolute chaos at the airport gate. Stephen Hawking was deliberately driving his wheelchair into staff members. Then he took the microphone off a staff member and started to give an impromptu lecture about ‘the mathematics of flight’. I was embarrassed and humiliated and really regretted marrying him. Also, I was pregnant with twins.

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A mistaken case of coronavirus (Rousse)

At night the streets swarmed with Chinese nurses clothed head to toe in blue scrubs and heavy duty PPE. When I returned home I found a team of them around TPR’s bed. His lips were blue and he was complaining of a terrible headache. Had he fallen victim to coronavirus?

Apparently not. He was simply paying the price for a heavy night of drinking.

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Victorian dental bills, exotic animals and a marriage (Belle)

It was ‘Victorian times’ and a mysterious stranger gave me £50 to undertake a voyage to Australia to get my teeth fixed.

My plan was to gather exotic animals while I was there, transport them back to London and sell them to repay the debt. Then I realised this wasn’t my life at all. Instead I was researching a novel about an intricate pre-nuptial agreement between a Victorian woman and a lawyer from China.

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Free-riding on the Granton ferry (Rousse)

I cycled back from town along the Forth estuary. When I reached Granton I had two options: to cross the water by ferry or to cycle inland to avoid the crossing.

A little old lady advised me that the ferry would be faster, so I lifted my bike up the gang plank and on to the vessel. Then I saw the fare for cyclists. I was not prepared to pay so much for a short five minute journey.

Instead of travelling inside the cabin, I stowed away on the ferry’s main rudder, keeping my head just above water the whole way. Beside me was a former coast guard helicopter pilot who knew my friend CM.

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