Barefoot travel crisis (Rousse)

Posted on February 6, 2021 by Dreamaticus

After taxi dropped me off at the airport, I found a quiet spot by the entrance where I could sort out my belongings. I had my cashmere Tweed jacket (even though it was summer), my passport, and my purse. But where were my shoes? I knew that I would not be granted access to the plane barefoot.

I had two options: to buy a pair of shoes in one of the airport shops (expensive) or beg a pair from a stranger (no cost, if I was lucky). I targetted the National Library of Scotland for my begging, and walked into a large open plan office that housed cataloguers. Although the workers offered sympathy for my plight, none was willing to give their footwear to me.

In the end, on the road I found a pair of white leather Jesus sandals that just fitted me. These would have to do.

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Barry Manilow keynote (Rousse)

Posted on February 5, 2021 by Dreamaticus

It took a few minutes for me to take in that we had secured Barry Manilow as the keynote speaker for our next networking event.

Who would have ever guessed that the American superstar singer would join us as a favour for his personal friend (our event committee member) MMcC?

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Lost in Edinburgh with lacrosse at the castle (Rousse)

Posted on February 3, 2021 by Dreamaticus

The University chauffeur drove us through the Edinburgh Streets in the posh yellow car. This was extraordinary service for the two PhD students beside me. That said, the chauffeur obviously didn’t know the city that well when he took a turn towards Leith rather than the New Town.

I remembered the short cut that PD and WB had used through Holyrood Park the previous week, so advised the chauffeur that we take this route. This ‘road’ was a grassy track with a large deep puddle half way up the hill. We held our breath as the car sped through the water.

Our final destination was a fee-paying school based within a handsome castle. Grey and red uniformed pupils milled around the entrance, some brandishing lacrosse sticks. RS was agog: was this the school on which Hogwarts was based?

The chauffeur told us that he had to leave us here so that he could set off on his next assignment. His instruction was to track down a lecturer called Gordon Sinclair in the far north of Scotland. Sinclair was apparently living a life of luxury on a University salary, even though he was no longer employed by the institution.

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Construction worker weather forecast (Rousse)

Posted on February 2, 2021 by Dreamaticus

Construction site workers were issued with a new national duty: to relay the weather forecast to the urban populations.

They positioned themselves high up the buildings on which they were working to shout news of sunshine, wind, and precipitation. Yellow hard hats were mandatory.

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Mr Stephen Fry (Rousse)

Posted on February 2, 2021 by Dreamaticus

Following yet another awkward encounter with Stephen Fry, I resolved to cool our ‘friendship’. I called him ‘Mr Fry’ from that point onwards. I expected him to use my formal title in the same manner when addressing me.

The next issue to tackle was TPR’s habit of visiting the open air market to meet his 30 year-old mistress. I was keen to avoid divorce at all costs.

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Lazy Lady Gaga (Rousse)

Posted on January 31, 2021 by Dreamaticus

I gatecrashed a gathering of famous female pop stars and actors in the Durness community hall. I persuaded them that I was their fitness instructor and insisted that nobody was exempt from my exercise class. None of them really wanted to participate, least of all Lady Gaga.

Afterwards I had to rush off to prepare dinner for my sister J and her family. She requested no cheese, and told me that the meal would need to end promptly so that they could all leave at 1:00am.

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Free trial liposuction, force-fed kipper, and ferocious wolves (Rousse)

Posted on January 29, 2021 by Dreamaticus

I was disgusted at the rope of white marshmallow-like goo extracted from my midriff by the white-uniformed beautician. My first experience of liposuction was definitely going to be my last. I asked the beautician to stop my free trail, gathered up my clothes, and left the treatment room. I had apparently ‘benefited’ from £3000 worth of free treatment.

Next, a hairdresser try to tempt me to a cut and blow dry. Her sales patter invoked a long list of names from my past, including JS – my quiet, red-haired, brainy primary school friend.

‘I can take you to JS right now’, the hairdresser boasted, ‘She’s in the café with her mother and her siblings’.

JS looked terrible. Her beautiful red hair had thinned to almost nothing and, now in her 50s, her shyness had rendered her mute. Meanwhile her mother appeared to be in complete control of her. When their food was delivered to their table, it was the mother who took control of JS’s kipper, force-feeding it up her daughter’s nose.

‘It’s the only way that we can get food into her’, claimed the mother claimed cruelly, ignoring her daughter’s evident discomfort.

I left in digust for my next adventure: to be chased through the forest by loud, ferocious, sharp-fanged, wild grey wolves.

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Kneeling toilet is a safe haven for jewellery stash (Rousse)

Posted on January 25, 2021 by Dreamaticus

No wonder I kept getting lost in the hotel. Due to a booking mishap, every day TPR and I were moved from one bedroom to another. Although annoying, it would have been so much worse if the weather had been good and we’d been dealing with wet swimming costumes each day too.

Of greater concern was my jewellery. Why had I thought it a great idea to bring every piece of value half way across the world with me to the Caribbean, and what had prompted me to unfurl my brown and red leather jewellery roll in front of everyone, including a bunch of school friends? I really was asking for trouble.

Dressed in a thin white dressing gown, with a pair of knickers in one hand and my precious jewellery collection in the other, I set off through the hotel corridors hunting for TPR.

He was nowhere to be seen, so I ended up hiding with my booty in the ‘kneeling toilets’ for Chinese and Japanese guests.

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Turning down Loughborough (Rousse)

Posted on January 23, 2021 by Dreamaticus

I performed well in my interview for a chair at Loughborough University, and it came as no surprise when Eric (the Head of School) offered me the job. I was delighted with this outcome, as was AM, who had always wanted to work with me.

My return journey home, however, completely put me off moving to the Midlands. Just before I left campus I saw uniformed staff grab a very tall naked man, force him onto a stretcher, and carry him away against his will. Then – despite the help of my soon-to-be new colleagues – I ended up on the wrong bus to the airport. While it was fortunate that I realised this in time, forgetting to take my belongings with me when I switched buses was a complete disaster.

I came to the conclusion that, on balance, I would be better off not taking the job at Loughborough.

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Disguised David and Victoria Beckham murder distraction (Rousse)

Posted on January 21, 2021 by Dreamaticus

While sharped-eyed tourists spotted semi-disguised David and Victoria Beckham strolling down Edinburgh’s Royal Mile, my murderous rampage around the city was still secret – but not for much longer…

I thought that it would be safe to store the latest corpse in the boot of an old black Volkswagen beetle destined for scrap – until my mother and husband decided to check the contents of the abandoned car parked at the bottom of Victoria Street.

They would soon be dreadfully disappointed to discover that I was murderer. The revelation of my evil antics was unimportant to me. Rather, my main concern was the prospect of spending the rest of my life in a prison cell.

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