Changes on campus and food hoarding (Rousse)

Posted on July 27, 2023 by Dreamaticus

I barely recognised PA on campus. A strict six-month regime of a decent diet and proper exercise had been transformational. He looked so much better. He said that he felt fantastic.

Meanwhile, DM was struggling. She had voluntarily stepped down from her senior role and taken on the task of allocating staff to desks in massive open plan offices. I lobbied for a corner desk, and also suggested that I was due a new Mac laptop.

Back at ‘home’ (in reality a temporary holiday let) TPR was dealing with my excessive food hoarding: fresh blueberries in a massive bowl on top of the tallest cupboards; cooked spaghetti under the sink; and spring onions forced between the taps and the kitchen wall.

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Anneka Rice: meter reader, window cleaner (Belle)

Posted on July 26, 2023 by Dreamaticus

I was waiting for the window cleaner and was surprised to find Anneka Rice at the front door, holding a ladder and offering to read the electricity meter before she started cleaning. She was wearing a blue jumpsuit. I completely lost my cool, telling her how obsessed I had been with her in the 1980s, that Treasure Hunt had been the best television programme ever, I loved her and her jumpsuit and this was the happiest day of my life. I saw her smile freeze momentarily but she managed to disguise her discomfort as I welcomed her into the house.

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Strip searching Robson Green (Belle)

Posted on July 26, 2023 by Dreamaticus

GH, Robson Green and I walked into the lobby of a publishing house and were directed to take the lift to the top floor. With a sinking feeling I realised I could not remember what we were there to discuss, and contemplated pretending I had lost my voice.

We sat down at the boardroom table and were joined by more and more people until the room was full. Glancing under the table I spotted four lapdogs doing synchronised somersaults. No one else seemed to think this unusual.

The mood in the room changed suddenly and the publishers turned aggressive. Their anger was directed at Robson Green – they announced he was to be forcibly strip searched and when I objected someone threw a blanket over me so I didn’t have to watch. GH and I escaped, but where was Robson? I felt guilty that we had left him behind and on the way to the train station I walked into a pub in Blackpool and arranged a singing gig for Robson with a man playing a squeezebox. My only problem now was how to let Robson know I had done this?

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A trespasser and a rapist (Rousse)

Posted on July 25, 2023 by Dreamaticus

We sold our beautifully proportioned Georgian garden flat and now lived in a narrow town house in a shabby part of town.

We had been persuaded to move by the ‘potential’ of the vast cellar at the bottom of the building. Our neighbour was already hosting fabulous parties there, demonstrating the value of the space. The only problem was that the cellar wasn’t hers to use and we needed to find a way to tell her to cease and desist.

While TPR dealt with the neighbour, my colleague BP took me aside to complain to me about my university friend GW. Could I do anything to stop him promoting rape as recreation?

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University reputation on the line (Rousse)

Posted on July 22, 2023 by Dreamaticus

JM came with terrible news. The authorities had sniffed out the rogue academic in our midst, and the University’s reputation was now on the line. Added to this, my former colleague VC was making accusations against me for supposed misdemeanours of the 1990s.

This might explain the discovery of the uniformed police officer who walked out of my flat just as I entered the front door.

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Making gravy (Rousse)

Posted on July 22, 2023 by Dreamaticus

Our new neighbours were BP, SF and their two daughters. Amongst the upgrades to their new flat, they completely renovated the kitchen, putting in the most enormous range oven. When my sister J called in, BP served her a plate of roast chicken and vegetables straight from the hob.

‘Who made this gravy?’ J asked. With one glance at her plate, I could understand her question. The thin grey trickle across the cooked chicken breast was hardly appetising.

Later that day, when the family went out for a walk, I broke into the flat. Armed with an Oxo cube and some fresh herbs, I would make some decent gravy, serve it to the family on their return, then teach them my winning technique.

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When Her Majesty meets the family (Rousse)

Posted on July 21, 2023 by Dreamaticus

Queen Elizabeth II and I held hands – or, more precisely, we interlocked little fingers according to the limits of royal protocol.

I wanted to introduce Her Majesty to my second cousin EB, but she was far more interested in another of my relations – my third cousin-once-removed PB. First, however, I would need to explain the child’s medical history.

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Crafty hotel jewel thief preys on wealthy woman (Rousse)

Posted on July 21, 2023 by Dreamaticus

When my necklace snapped and the chain and pendant fell to the floor, I considered it an accident – but then someone else joined me on the floor to scramble around hunting for lost jewellery. Was there a thief in our midst, tugging on the chains that decorated the necks of wealthy women in the hope of stealing their jewels?

This theory was tested when my cousin BB left her handbag stuffed with costume jewellery in full view on the hotel reception desk. I wasn’t sure if this was a deliberate act on her part, but I removed her credit card from her purse to minimise the potential for damage, should the thief make a visit. Sure enough, within minutes, the bag was gone.

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Touching the winking Prince of Wales (Rousse)

Posted on July 17, 2023 by Dreamaticus

William, Prince of Wales, followed me through the house, pen and paper in hand. Ignoring the antique furniture, he was most interested in the pictures – and completely oblivious to the mess in all the rooms.

This was so much fun that I forgot that I hardly knew this man and laid my hand on his arm. When I realised my mistake, the Prince winked at me. There was apparently no need to apologise for my breach of royal etiquette.

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A disputed art inheritance (Rousse)

Posted on July 16, 2023 by Dreamaticus

When we listed the art and antiques in my mother’s house, we missed the beautiful early twentieth century picture of a red-haired girl walking through a walled garden. It was painted in oils by my great grandmother, and had been lost in a gap between the bedside table and the wall of my bedroom.

I disputed my sister S’s claim that the picture was hers. This was on the basis of (a) the main subject – a child who shared my colouring – and (b) its storage location. I was determined to take the picture home and hang it in my newly decorated spare bedroom. Unfortunately my sister would not drop her claim (and nor would I).

When I later saw my other sister J with the canvas in brown paper, I was furious. She told me that she was wasn’t taking it for herself, but had wrapped it for S. I grabbed the parcel and tore off the paper, only to find underneath a dirty oil painting of an eighteenth century scene. It was only then that I realised that J was on my side.

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