Man rides whale in surf (Rousse)

I grabbed my ‘hand luggage’ of soap bag, a pair of black ankle boots and a pair of socks, and headed to the meeting point at Reception. There I greeted the others. Then, with just a couple of minutes to spare, I decided to go and clean my teeth.

The ladies’ room was packed, and I only managed to get a basin to myself by pushing others out of the way. In the meantime, my friends had left Reception to board the huge limo destined for the airport. I had to hurry to be certain that the driver would not leave without me.

The route to the airport wound along narrow lanes, and the driver did well to negotiate all the bends in so large a vehicle. At one point, however, she needed to take a break from concentrating on the road. She pulled up into a lay-by on the coastal road. Here all the passengers disembarked, walked down the a path to the shoreline, and transferred to a waiting boat.

I was left behind because I wasn’t paying attention to the instructions for the next stage of the journey. Instead I was distracted, watching in fascination at a man riding through the surf on the back of a huge whale.

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An aristocratic amour (Belle)

My new boyfriend was obsessed with me. He was an aristocrat and heir to a large estate and a stately home. He liked to wear high heels with his Savile Row suits. Due to his status, and me being common, we had to keep our affair a secret.

Unfortunately, his parents found out about me and made it their life’s work to split us up.

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Olympic hell in Helsinki (Belle)

I had made arrangements for a group of colleagues to attend a week-long conference in Finland. However, I had forgotten that the Winter Olympics were scheduled at the same time, and my colleagues were going to find it almost impossible to travel across the city. Realising my mistake, I warned them that a new sporting venue had been built between their hotel and the conference venue. Sadly I couldn’t remember the name of the sport and called it “the fancy toboggan”.

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New miniature railway attraction in formal French garden at Uig Sands (Rousse)

The proprietor of the bed and breakfast was just as surprised as we were to find a formal French garden, complete with a miniature railway, laid out between his guest house and the vast beach of Uig Sands.

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‘War’ is terrible (Rousse)

I lay in bed late one Wednesday morning with SM. He begged a favour of me: please would I persuade his wife PM that booking tickets for War was not a good idea?

I had never heard of this film, but SM assured me that all the reviews were terrible.

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A jet and a jetty (Rousse)

Fitness trainer MM selected just a few clients to take a trip on his private jet – and I was one of them!

The start of the return journey proved rather tricky when MM declared that the water was so low in the river runway to allow the plane to take off.

Only when the locals lowered the concrete pier was there enough space for the vehicle to build up to full acceleration.

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Dead Dad’s diamond (Belle)

My recently deceased father walked into the room, his hands cupped in front of him. He was cradling a massive diamond. I was overwhelmed with a feeling of well-being – he looked so happy.

Then he gave the diamond to my sister, J.

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Private audiences with Matt LeBlanc (Rousse)

Matt LeBlanc was such an obliging professional. Whenever I asked, he would entertain me by reciting his lines from episodes of Friends.

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Pasadena Roof Orchestra tunes, yellow Crocs, and an unsuccessful job application (Rousse)

On the basis of his sudden disappearance, it was obvious to me that TPR had been lying when he said that all he wanted in life was to have me to himself. I wandered around the Manor House reunion on my own, lingering for a while next to the string quartet that was working its way through the repertoire of the Pasadena Roof Orchestra.

Later, a young man attempted to chat me up. His strategy was to compliment my yellow Crocs, ask to try them on, and the delight in the ‘amazing co-incidence’ that our feet were about the same size. Unfortunately for him, I was not in the market for a relationship with a small-footed man.

Finally I received a text from TPR. Although somewhat garbled, I was able to make out from it that he had just returned from a day trip by car to Fleet. When I found TPR in the corridor, dressed in suit and tie under his hooded Barbour jacket, he explained that he had attended a job interview with a computer company called Alacrity.

Just as I was pointing out the insanity of his plans to re-enter the job market (especially given that I had recently given up my own job so that we could spend more time together), TPR received a phone call from the interview panel. He wasn’t the type of candidate that they were seeking after all.

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Chaotic couriers get called out (Belle)

Unable to sleep, I got out of bed and looked out the peephole in the front door. A hipster food van had pulled up outside and three people were unloading boxes outside my front door. I was immediately incandescent with rage and flung open the door, demanding to know what they were doing and why they were doing it at 2.45 in the morning. “Delivering these parcels”, one of them said, as if I were an idiot.

I stepped outside to look at the boxes. The labels featured a photograph of my front door, but the address was not mine. “This label clearly says ‘Southampton'”, I screamed. This caused much hilarity from the couriers and I went into an epic, sweary rant. This made them laugh even more. I had lost my cool and my dignity.

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