Why to tack a horse (Rousse)

Posted on March 10, 2012 by Dreamaticus

The High Street was almost completely covered in droppings. The only way for me to negotiate it safely was to ride a horse of my own. I found grey one in a field back at the guest house. It didn’t take too long to catch, then I jumped on its back for a steady walk back into town. There on the links I caught up with my two friends and their mounts. They encouraged me to step up the pace into a canter. Then everything started to go wrong. It was all my fault for not tacking up properly.

Within moments I had slid off the back of “my” horse and it had disappeared into the distance. Then I lost my Joey D handbag. I ended up all alone on a dark, dirty beach, ashamed at my carelessness. My only hope of escaping this mess would be to pay very close attention to AC in the hope that he would take pity on me.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stationery heaven and an unpaid debt (Rousse)

Posted on March 9, 2012 by Dreamaticus

Normally we would have flown down to London to catch the onward flight from Heathrow. However, because we were keen to go to MS’s party on Saturday evening, we were obliged to drive down afterwards overnight. It was such a long journey, but at least the motorway was clear for most of the way.

At last we came into north London. It was early Sunday morning, so we were surprised to see a bunch of schoolgirls all dressed in their blue uniforms on their way to lessons. Their rucksacks were packed to brim: these children looked like they spent all their lives studying.

We followed the girls into a stationer’s shop. Once there I had no intention of continuing my journey any further – ever. I was in heaven amongst the beautiful displays of coloured cards, paper and pens. The table of origami sculptures was divine!

The only blot on the landscape was a scruffy man at the till complaining that he’d been unfairly treated by the shop staff. He was granted £30 compensation, took £10 and said that the rest could go to charity. What nobody else knew was that this man owed me an absolute fortune. When was he going to repay me?

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Giving up gossip for Lent: Rousse debates the Archers rules

Posted on March 7, 2012 by Dreamaticus

TPR and I poured all our savings into a property purchase. Our new flat was on the first floor of a Georgian square in London that actually looked like it belonged in Edinburgh. Its size and layout very much resembled Drummond Place.

With VJ’s help, we were renovating the flat as a holiday let. It would, however, take some time to work our way through the main rooms and then the four bedrooms in the servants’ quarters. I wondered whether we needed to replace the bouncy (and possibly rotting) timber floors, and how we could cut out noise pollution from the traffic running over the cobbles outside. One thing for certain was that the ancient rusting Victorian brass bedsteads would have to go.

The phone rang just before we went to bed. Why X was ringing me from Edinburgh, I had no idea, but she seemed to have forgotten that we were no longer friends. I politely joined in the conversation, desperately trying to work out how to get her off the phone. I wasn’t sure how to handle this. I had signed up to the Archers’ Lenten vow of not indulging in gossip until after Easter, but the guidance did not cover how to get out of conversations with anyone who was often a source of gossip amongst your friends.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Gay marriage shocker eclipsed by enemy bomb attack on UK airports (Rousse)

Posted on March 7, 2012 by Dreamaticus

I met my gay friend at Edinburgh airport. After he showed me his scars he introduced me to a tall, slim and beautiful African woman, her mother and two children. These were his “wife”, “mother-in-law”, and his own son and daughter. I couldn’t believe that he had the cheek to explain the cosy family set-up with his male civil partner standing right next to him. Apparently the domestic arrangements were such that my friend enjoyed a family life. Meanwhile this woman had leave to remain in the UK with her eleven off-spring. I wondered how many other “husbands” she had acquired?

We continued through to departures together. Along the way the children played indoor ice hockey on the shiny airport floors. I helped them whenever they lost the puck.

Then a shocking message came through on the public address system. All passengers were to be super-vigilant because of breaking news of an airport attack in England. Apparently Manchester airport was under fire in retaliation for the recent allied bombing of Delhi. The voice advised us not to panic. This was difficult when you knew that there was a high possibility of a coordinated enemy attack on all UK airports, and you were currently stuck in one of them.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Rousse’s killer presentation

Posted on March 6, 2012 by Dreamaticus

CO gave me a last friendly pat on the back for good luck as we negotiated the final set of stairs to the lecture hall. This was it then. It was finally time for me to deliver the closing keynote speech at the huge SLA conference in the US. Who was more excited over this eagerly-anticipated performance: the audience or me? It was difficult to tell.

My presentation was a complete and utter disaster. In spite of the months of preparation and weeks of rehearsals the whole performance failed miserably. I forgot the main line of argument completely (even when I referred to the notes) and all the supposedly clever jokes, witty asides, and entertaining anecdotes fell flat. Then the microphone broke. Each and every audience member was appalled: they couldn’t wait for me to leave the stage.

When my 45 minutes were finally up TPR rushed over, caught me in his arms, and carried me off to safety away from the braying crowd.

Meanwhile my career was officially declared dead at the scene.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A cocktail goes global (Belle)

Posted on March 5, 2012 by Dreamaticus

I was the inventor of a new, globally famous cocktail. The ‘Angel’s Delight’ was enormously tricky to prepare, as each layer had to remain separate from the others.

Crouched by the fax machine, I was busy slicing blood oranges to sit on top of the glasses. The cocktail had all the colours of a Spanish sunset. No wonder it was a worldwide success.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

A pony, plastic surgery, and a visit to the mosque (Rousse)

Posted on March 5, 2012 by Dreamaticus

JW looked down on me from her vantage point atop a pretty white pony and launched into a speech on wrinkles and plastic surgery. I wondered if she was trying to tell me something? Perhaps she’d tried botox and was recommending the same to me?

Afterwards I popped into the newsagent’s shop. Due to the ban on all Western media there were only a few Asian magazines left on sale. I didn’t bother buying anything and instead went to join the other women in the queue to visit the massive mosque. Nearly all were dressed in abayas. I hoped that I would be allowed into the monument even though I was just wearing shorts.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Red wine stains no longer a problem with Rousse’s special distillation

Posted on March 3, 2012 by Dreamaticus

We were meant to be discussing PhD studentships, but I could tell that the committee members were far more interested in the four unopened bottles of red wine in my possession. When I eventually suggested serving a few glasses, D almost fell off her chair in excitement.

Before pouring the drinks I first needed to conduct some blending experiments. I laid out a selection of glassware – including a couple of test-tubes – on our green oriental silk rug. Then I uncorked the bottles and set to work. Meanwhile behind me TPR was in a flat spin of panic. “Get that off the carpet NOW!” he shouted, “Haven’t you forgotten that the rug is our most precious possession?!”

What TPR didn’t appreciate was that this was very special wine: it did not stain when spilt. I demonstrated its magical properties. TPR was satisfied. However, when I also explained that each bottle came from my parents’ dodgy collection of home brew, he banned me outright from serving it.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Admiration for the ultimate Huf Haus garden accessory: a neolithic stone circle (Rousse)

Posted on March 3, 2012 by Dreamaticus

I looked through the vast downstairs window of my friends’ Huf Haus and out across the Borders countryside. Strange in itself was a purple-blue sunset, but of far more interest to me was the neolithic stone circle in the foreground. How could I have missed such an amazing set of garden furniture on my previous visits? No wonder the house was so expensive and P & S were obliged to take in bed and breakfast guests to cover their mortgage repayments.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The battle of the laundry basket (Rousse)

Posted on March 2, 2012 by Dreamaticus

Before TPR had pegged even a single item on the line in the garden of our holiday cottage a local woman appeared at his side, super-keen to take charge of the laundry basket. “Let me do that” she said. TPR responded that he was perfectly happy to hang out the washing himself. However she insisted loudly that this should be her job.

As I watched the scene unfold from the back door I gradually worked out what was going on. Taking care of the tourists’ laundry was probably one of the few ways that locals could earn money on this impoverished island. I called over to TPR in French to hand over the basket. It might cost us £10, but this woman’s family needed the cash more than we did.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment