A nightclub, a gift shop, and plastic surgery secrets (Rousse)

I didn’t normally frequent nightclubs, but TPR was away and I wasn’t going to stay in on a Saturday night. I jumped into a taxi with three young men, muttered an apology for hitching this free ride, and travelled with them to a club on the outskirts of town. The smart one in the suit made to pay my entrance fee, but I pulled out a Scottish £10 note just in time to stop him. (I later discovered that I needn’t have paid at all. My membership of another club in town was also valid here.)

I spent a long time chatting with two boys on the club reception desk, entertaining them with the contents of my handbag. These included a pile of unopened bills that I had stuffed in there, originally with the intention of paying at some point, but subsequently forgotten. We also watched live footage of the American plane crash on a huge television screen.

Eventually I left the boys at their desk and went upstairs. Here the nightclub transformed into a gift shop. Once again, I spent nearly all my time there with the two staff, and before long I was serving customers. I also bought lots of stationery and nick-nacks for Christmas stockings. I thought my father would particularly like the multicoloured sticks of sealing wax.

I was just about to leave when I saw a semi-familiar face. I was unsure if it was who I thought it was at first. As far as I knew, J was on holiday. In addition, this person looked like she had been wounded. As she approached me I understood what I saw. J had used the excuse of a holiday to spend a few days in hospital, and her face was still bruised as she recovered from surgery for a facelift. Even her partner N had no idea of her secret mission.

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Scandal of coffin-carrying caretakers and their enormous retirement lump sums (Rousse)

I was hidden from view, looking for something in the cloakroom under the stairs, when I heard the men clutter in. I could tell that they were heaving something very heavy. I peered round from my hiding place and saw a tiny bald man dressed in a brown caretaker’s coat, carrying the narrow end of an enormous coffin. It looked like he could barely keep hold it and I feared that he would drop it.

As he struggled to keep the coffin aloft the man swore loudly at his colleagues. Then he boasted loudly that he would soon be out of here spending his £600,000 retirement lump sum on a life of luxury in Spain.

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Britain versus France: dress, architecture and smoking (Rousse)

I lived all alone in a one-bedroomed apartment in Paris. Today I was heading to the airport to meet AM. It was very cold outside so I wore several layers: a long emerald green satin ballgown, topped with a long-sleeved white cotton shirt, all hidden under a heavy brown overcoat. It took a while to find them, but I was very happy to complete the outfit with a pair of heavy brown loafers.

The French laughed at my choice of dress, but I didn’t care. “At least my clothes are clean!” I shouted at a woman in mud-spattered jeans. I also pointed out other evidence of British superiority: (1) British architects don’t waste valuable living space on large, elaborate rez-de-chaussées; (2) the British banned smoking indoors in public decades before their continental neighbours.

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Kenneth Branagh pays homage to Sir Laurence Olivier, Shakespeare and Henry V (Rousse)

On our way home by car CI and I stopped off at the latest literary monument. We found it in a small car park, just off the main road.

Inside a glass pyramid not much bigger than a telephone box, and in full theatrical costume, Kenneth Branagh performed Shakespeare’s St Crispin’s Day speech from Henry V over and over again. It was a fitting homage to the work of Sir Laurence Olivier, Shakespeare and Henry V.

However, I later voiced my suspicions that this was not a live performance. Dare I suggest that this was not Branagh for real, but merely a holographic recording on loop?

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Former Sun Microsystems employee turns to a life of crime (Rousse)

The Australian lady appeared to be doing the woman at my table a favour. She said that she was returning the lime green purse that had dropped out of the other woman’s handbag. I, however, was unconvinced that this was true.

As she made to sneak off I grabbed her by the wrist, we grabbled for a couple of minutes, and I eventually pinned her to the ground. Meanwhile the owner of the green purse checked its contents and, sure enough, all the cash was missing.

Closer inspection of the thief revealed that “she” was in fact a “he”. His wallet, extracted from the inside pocket of his jacket, also showed that he was not Australian, but of Chinese nationality, and a former employee of Sun Microsystems.

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Last words of tragic crash victim two days before silver wedding anniversary (Rousse)

It was two days before my silver wedding anniversary and things were not going well at work. GR accused me of spying on him. I argued back that anyone sensible would put their job application into the post inside an envelope and not leave it lying around for others to read. Later on another colleague unfairly mocked my pronunciation of long words beginning with the letter E. He did have a point, however, when he complained that I’d been dribbling chocolate and left stains all over his white shirt sleeve. Eventually we made up and he invited me as a last minute guest on a special work trip.

We were travelling to Stockton-on-Tees by London double decker bus when the disaster struck. One minute we were on the road and the next I felt like I was flying through space. I knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t feel any pain. Then I suddenly understood that this was the end. I was dying and there was no way back.

For just a couple of minutes I managed to delay my death. I woke on the floor of the Shambles market hall on Stockton High Street, forced my eyes open, and found two caretakers peering over me. They were discussing “the crash” and my chances of survival given my hideous abdominal injuries.

“Please get me a pen and paper”, I croaked. My scribbled dying words to my husband read: “I am sorry that I have died and we didn’t make it to 25 years. Please marry someone else and make her as happy as you made me.”

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New canoe-carrying Dr Who takes to the Tardis (Rousse)

TPR signed up as Dr Who and appointed me as his assistant. To make the role his own, he took his canoe whenever he went. This meant that there was not enough space for me in the Tardis, so I always travelled separately.

My own Tardis was a little basic, the size of a phone box with a concrete floor and a dirty top window. However, the sensation of flying through the air off to my new adventures (writing taxonomies with P and E at the Corstorphine branch of the British Library) was really something else.

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A carnival career and a secret husband (Belle)

I had been working on the carnival for many years now, travelling to dusty towns and living in a covered wagon.

I had worn the same ring for almost 20 years. Made of a dull, grey metal, it featured an empty setting where a jewel should have been set. What most people didn’t notice was that it had been fashioned from an old-style coca-cola ring pull. Suddenly infuriated, I threw the ring down on the floor in front of the man running the ‘test your strength’ stall. “For goodness’ sake, isn’t it about time you bought me a PROPER wedding ring?” I screamed.

This was the first time I had ever asked for anything from my secret husband.

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A fortune in ‘frothing foam’ (Belle)

This was a truly amazing revelation. Not only did my mother have a boyfriend, but he was a multi-millionaire. He had just sold his music business and was looking forward to a life of leisure with my mother alongside him.

Infuriated, I determined to make my ‘frothing foam’ business a success.

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Undercover mission goes awry (Belle)

I was tall sandy-haired boy. Although still only 15 I had been entrusted to undertake surveillance at the new cafe on Hilly Fields. Sipping a vanilla milkshake I saw a middle-aged man pushing a tea trolley. By dropping my napkin, and stooping down to the floor to retrieve it, I was able to see that he had attached three Domestos bottles full of chemical weapons to the underside of the trolley with black tape.

I stood up and denounced him. He immediately attempted to throttle me, but having failed that we sat down together and ate baked potatoes.

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