Saucy seaside postcards come to life in Whitley Bay (Rousse)

Posted on October 11, 2012 by Dreamaticus

Our journey south was delayed somewhat in Jedburgh due to the density of the Jedforest. For a 100 metre stretch you had to bend double to get through the trees.

We didn’t stay long at our final destination. There was only time for a quick dash around the exhibition and then we needed to head back to Edinburgh. TPR cheerfully jumped onto his bike and left me to work out the route home by foot all by myself.

There was no way that I was going to walk that kind of distance. I caught a National Express service from Jedburgh coach station and enjoyed the slow trundle home along the north east coast.

There were great views from the coach window. Best of all it was possible to see into the holiday camp gardens in Whitley Bay. Every square inch of grass was covered with enormous ladies sunbathing in their swimsuits. They reminded me of the characters depicted in saucy seaside postcards.

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What to feed babies (Rousse)

Posted on October 10, 2012 by Dreamaticus

I herded my class of blue-uniformed 15 year-olds into a queue outside the remote former school house. The retired head mistress emerged to invite them in, and they settled into their places for an authentic school dinner of past times. One of my colleagues shamed us all by asking our hostess whether there might be a “wee drink” before the meal. “Of course” the school mistress replied sarcastically. “You can take the tube directly home from here afterwards as well.”

Meanwhile I had to deal with the baby. After one week of motherhood I wasn’t coping well. Today I had forgotten to dress her, and had made no arrangements for feeding while the children enjoyed their school dinner. I asked the school mistress what I could give the baby to eat. Perhaps there was a shop nearby where I could buy a jar of baby food? It turned out that there was no need for me to hunt for a shop. Instead I could use supplies from this very kitchen. I soon learnt that new-born babies simply adore lemon curd spread thickly over slices of French baguette.

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Resurrectionists active in the north east (Rousse)

Posted on October 9, 2012 by Dreamaticus

TPR had developed a process to bring the dead back to life. So now I found myself in a bar in Hexham chatting to both my grandmothers and my great-great auntie S, plus other assorted relations (officially still alive).

Unfortunately what TPR had not yet mastered was how to keep his subjects in the land of the living long-term once revived. When he noticed that Granny H was starting to fail, he rushed over to fold her up, pop her into a shopping trolley, and get her back to the cemetery in Newcastle. Here he could deposit her back in the locker where she really belonged until the next family gathering.

TPR had done well to keep his resurrectionist process secret for so long, but I knew that eventually someone would question how an ancient aunt born in the 1800s could be enjoying a drink with family members in 2012. What worried me on this occasion was that my school friend HP and her son had also been in the same bar as us when Granny H keeled over. They surely must have spotted something.

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The dangers of dyed pig meat (Rousse)

Posted on October 9, 2012 by Dreamaticus

My mother and I dived into the undergrowth to hide from the natives. When they passed by we could make out their cargo piled high on the trolley. Neatly stacked like a Tesco pallet delivery, it carried a variety of dyed pig body parts: heads, ears, trotters etc.

I considered crawling out to take a photograph of this multicoloured meat spectacle, but my mother cautioned against this. It would simply be far too dangerous.

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Hibs Hearts derby ticket hunt (Rousse)

Posted on October 6, 2012 by Dreamaticus

For authentic Saturday afternoon entertainment I decided to take my weekend guests to a football match. The Hiberian ground wasn’t too far away, so I slipped out of the house first thing on Saturday morning to go and buy some tickets.

Although it was before 09:00am when I arrived, I was surprised to find that the ground was already busy with football fans, some decked in green, and others in maroon. Then I remembered that this was the big day of the Edinburgh Hibs-Heart derby. I’d be very lucky to get tickets at all, even after blagging my way into the members’ common room where the less rowdy fans were collecting tickets ordered in advance. I considered stealing some of the labelled white A4 envelopes laid out on the table, but this would be very difficult due to the number of plain-clothed security men in attendance.

Just as I was about to leave the ground (ticket-less) JM appeared. He was dressed very smartly in a suit, and a looked a little shorter than usual. “I’ll be right with you” he called, and dived through a door off the members’ common room. When he reemerged we left the ground together and I attempted to persuade him to come back with me to my flat. I knew that my sisters-in-law JR and SMcC, and former colleagues AT and JB plus JB’s wife E, would love to meet him. He was interested in the invitation, and would come over from Portobello beach just as soon as he finished his morning conference call to the US.

A more urgent priority, however, was to shake off the woman following closely behind us. We knew that she was called Catherine, but we had no idea why she found it so amusing to creep up and poke us in the back.

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The secret London wedding venue (Rousse)

Posted on October 3, 2012 by Dreamaticus

All we wanted was some peace to enjoy a quiet barbecue for two in our little Edinburgh yard, but every so often friends would run down the steps to interrupt us. First came the F family, then LF and IF (no relation), followed by J and BG from Ireland armed with enormous bouquets of flowers.

Two hours later we were in London trying to locate the wedding of R and CA. The fact that they had been married already for almost twenty years seemed to have been forgotten. The whole point of the ceremony, which we only discovered much later, was to give their red-haired toddler the chance to play a starring role as a bridesmaid.

In the meantime, we struggled to locate the venue for the celebrations. It was very well hidden in one of London’s great parks and I became increasingly flustered trying to find it. Thankfully my mother appeared at just the right moment to calm me down.

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Hypnotic cat dancing routine reveals hidden skills (Rousse)

Posted on October 3, 2012 by Dreamaticus

I wandered around the crowded room and performed a little dance. I hoped that this would please my new friend and that she would agree that I had mastered the “dancing like a cat” routine. She observed my technique, then snapped her fingers to bring me out of the trance.

The verdict was good. Not only had I passed the cat dancing test, but during my short period under hypnosis they had discovered that I was a skilled hypnotist myself. Apparently I had been practising unknowingly for years.

Now there was an explanation for the amazing attendance rates for my modules. Everyone had suspected for ages that none of the students were genuine, willing, participants. Finally here was the proof that every student had been unwittingly coerced into class.

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A PhD in Paris (Rousse)

Posted on October 3, 2012 by Dreamaticus

I was living in Paris, where I shared an enormous communal bedroom with a bunch of strangers. However, I was not always completely friendless: one day PA, JB and CS from my first secondary school passed through as temporary residents. Two of them – JB and CS – were using the boarding house as a temporary stop-off on their way to work contracts in Philadelphia.

My main priority each morning was to dress appropriately for the changeable weather, preferably in clothes that fitted me. Unfortunately my over-indulgence over the summer meant that I struggled to get into much of what I had packed. I could feel the pitying looks of my room-mates as I discarded yet another piece of underwear that would not stretch around my fat back.

I also missed TPR terribly, but I stuck to my resolution to stay here for the rest of the year. This was the only sensible strategy if I were to find the peace and quiet required to finish my (second) PhD.

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Little Red Riding Rousse wins a dinner invitation

Posted on October 3, 2012 by Dreamaticus

When on a Little Red Riding Hood mission to deliver a supply of cottage cheese in my wicker basket to the S family, I came across TF digging muddy trenches in a field. He and has son T were committed to spend the entire weekend labouring at their country cottage. T’s wife L and daughter K were nowhere to be seen: it turned out that they were in town (shopping).

T was so delighted to see me that he invited me in for a cup of tea. We made an arrangement there and then for TPR and me to join him and the rest of the family for dinner that evening.

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Basking sharks and dolphins “spotted” in the Tyne (Rousse)

Posted on October 2, 2012 by Dreamaticus

Were those basking shark fins cutting through the water? How marvellous that a shoal had made it all the way up-river to Hexham! I’d never seen basking sharks in fresh water before, and what a thrill to find them in the Tyne.

I was mistaken. These were not basking sharks, but dolphins. From the river bank I watched their cheery faces popping out of the water and wondered how close they would let me come. By the time I reached them, however, I realised that I had been taken in completely. These weren’t sea mammals at all, but children from the local primary school out for a late-summer splash in the river.

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