The second baby that I kidnapped was much better than the first: it kept its nappy dry overnight, it didn’t mind the cold, and it smiled a lot.
Despite this, TPR was still not happy that we were harbouring other people’s ‘lost’ children in our flat. We were bound to be found out sooner or later.
TPR gave me a hard stare. How was I ever to lose any weight if I helped myself to cold Yorkshire puddings from the canteen whenever it took my fancy?
Belle wore a long green gown, cut deep at the back, just like newly-wed Helen Titchener’s. I had a good view of it from behind as I followed her into the countryside.
Meanwhile I was worried about my health. I’d been coughing up blood. I asked my LJ-lookalike off-duty doctor friend what to do. She told me to stop bothering her and go to my GP instead.
It took some time for me to realise that I had been flown into New York. They’d booked TPR onto a later flight too – and he would almost certainly upgraded to club class. I mentioned to my host that I really should get to know the layout of the city. For example, I couldn’t even be certain that the monument in front of us was the Statue of Liberty.
When we returned home we noticed strange going-ons in our hall. First a little old man was wandering around engaged in gentle exercises. Then EC could be seen masterminding the move of the kitchen table into the hall to set it up for breakfast. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, KT warmed up muffins in the microwave. We witnessed all this from the comfort of the memory foam mattress in our bedroom.
E was heavily involved in the wedding preparations, organising everything from her tiny flat. She even grew her red hair long for the occasion – or was that a ginger wig she wore with her green gown? When I called round to see how she was getting on she offered me the bath that she had run for me. I declined because it was just as easy for me to get ready at my own house two minutes away.
Amongst the other guests was OC-I, who arrived in Morningside by bicycle. I suggested the Canny Man as a suitable meeting venue for him and R.
My own contribution to the preparations was to help out with the children, including toddler TPR.
RG-J was far more excited about her family’s narrow boat holiday than her husband. I couldn’t quite understand her enthusiasm for travelling by canal, especially when she tried – and failed – to demonstrate how to steer a narrow boat around a 90 degree angle.
Gordon Brown was my travelling companion on the new fast train service to London. In real life he was much younger and trendier than the ex-Prime Minister I knew from old news reports on the television.
TPR thought that he was dreaming when KT climbed into bed with us and leant over to kiss him. I nudged him in the ribs and told him to stop. He’d regret it in the morning. He told me later in the bathroom (where we were trying to find some privacy ourselves) that snogging a smoker was not a pleasant experience.
The next day we set off along the Rue de Rivoli to meet VJ at a new friend’s house. The street was so crowded that I lost TPR almost as soon as we left. Once again I was extremely annoyed that he refused to carry his mobile phone on him at all times.
Dreamaticus 