Sourcing a stash of hard-to-buy vintage anti-feminist placards (Rousse)

The research seminar was my responsibility and time was running out.

My main concerns were that: (a) I had confused everyone by corresponding with the speaker as Tivol (or Tivo for short) – my Aboriginal name; (b) the event was overbooked and there would not be enough space for all the participants; and (c) WC had forgotten to order the biscuits.

Then there was the question of my props. I had spotted some great vintage anti-feminist backlash material in a new antique shop on Edinburgh’s Broughton Street: homemade American placards from the 1970s that read along the lines of ‘A woman’s place is in the home’, each of which included a note of the US state in which it was created. If only the miserable shop assistant would let me purchase them, and the owner stop trying to drag me around the entire premises to show off all his wares.

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David Tennant leaves wife at home (Rousse)

When I married David Tennant I expected to be invited to all the showbiz parties and premières. Unfortunately I was unaware that he always left his wives at home.

When I dared to ask him about this he bundled me into a Victorian hotel kitchen and suggested that I might like to have a lie-down in the coal store.

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Edinburgh bike rage (Rousse)

Back on campus for the first time in months, X did not look her best. First I said how pleased I was to see her after so long, then I asked her what was wrong.

“Patrijca Allende just tried to run me over on her bike as I walked up from Haymarket Station”, she explained.

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A secret tryst at the White House (Rousse)

It was mid-January and high time that our Christmas visitors headed off home. While non-stop partying had its appeal, these so-called friends were eating us out of house and home, and TPR had strong suspicions that they were sponging off us.

Eventually only family members were left at the White House, and soon most of us would be on our way too. In my case I had to return to France – just as soon as I had finished my packing. I popped upstairs to check that I had not forgotten anything.

First I peered into my sister S’s mess of a bedroom. There was nothing there that I needed.

A guest was staying in the room next door, so there was no point in checking in there. I just made sure that the door was firmly closed – we had been trained to keep the heat in.

In the corridor to my bedroom I noticed a new piece of furniture. A light wood Chinese-style cabinet stood where once there were fitted cupboards. When I pulled open the cabinet doors and drawers I found paints, pens, and brushes all designed for creating Chinese artworks. Although I had no need for any of these items, I was interested in a stack of onion-thin paper. I considered stealing some of this for letter writing.

While I was considering this someone approached me from behind. It was N who, unbeknownst to me, had followed me upstairs. Earlier we had had a wee cuddle in the bed that he shared with his wife and a less attractive, muscly, stranger. Now that he had me on my own, N pulled me through the door of my own bedroom, then took me in his arms for a long kiss.

‘What are we doing?’ I asked, even though I fully aware of his intentions, and just how much I would enjoy what he had planned.

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From the Greek massacre to rioting on the streets of Edinburgh (Rousse)

G and LE started a fashion for building houses half way up the crags of Holyrood Park. My parents planned to do the same. In the meantime we lived in a small caravan in a car park next to Holyrood Palace. It wasn’t an ideal pitch, mainly because the field right next to us was used to lay out the bodies of the victims of the recent Greek massacre.

One day I left our temporary home to meet JS, who had promised to show me round the high court of Edinburgh. J’s role at the court was so important that her name was inscribed across the portal of its main entrance. I learnt from this that she had two middle names: Kay and Mali. I also met her family for the first time. She introduced me to her young husband, her 11 year-old son, and her 8 year-old daughter. Both children wore multi-coloured cotton jumpers.

At the start of the tour everyone was instructed to pick up a long staff and don a silk scarf, then line up for the procession. Meanwhile J and the other leading (and very glamorous) female lawyers took their places to explain the workings of the judiciary.

We were half way through the tour on the top floor of the court building when the trouble started. Beyond the roof-top car park in the street below I could see armed police, rioters, and members of the general public dressed in running outfits. When I heard the first shots I took immediate shelter under a table with TPR and my sister J.

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Transformation on Tayside train (Rousse)

The train crossed the River Tay, took a sharp right in the direction of Dundee, then suddenly veered off the track to avoid a herd of deer. Somehow it managed to jump back onto the track again almost immediately afterwards.

P and I did not discuss this incident. We were too busy listing all our complaints about a recent meeting of the British Computer Society.

When I looked up again I saw that P had transformed into a pale woman with fluffy dark hair.

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London to Loughborough by train (Rousse)

As feared, our meeting had over-run, and now it was impossible for us to catch the flight that we had booked to Loughborough.

Someone suggested that we go into central London and then take the train to the East Midlands from there. I was not keen on this at all. This was because I had witnessed all AM’s complaints about this service in the past.

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Wimbledon tennis star happy in retirement (Rousse)

The two international tennis superstars squealed with joy when they saw me.

“We’ll never forget your performance in the semi-final at Wimbledon 2013” said Charlotte as Natalia covered me with kisses. “Do you ever think of coming out of retirement?”

It was true that I had an amazing run in 2013, narrowly missing a place in the women’s singles final. However, we all knew that it was a fluke.

This had been confirmed in 2014 when I crashed out of the tournament in the first round – largely because I had not touched a racquet all season up until the point that I stepped onto the court.

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A cruel white lichen attack (Rousse)

I hadn’t appreciated the poor state of public transport in the US until I attempted to use the service to get from a conference hotel to an airport.

The driver and his lackeys were particularly unkind to passengers. They did not keep to a timetable, and if you were lucky enough to catch the service, you had to enter into negotiations to be allowed off it again.

The bus company workers were particularly cruel to the British. In our case, they separated me and TPR from the other passengers then peppered us with white lichen.

I could tell that TPR was very distressed by this. He forgot to pick up his black hand-knitted jumper when he left the bus shelter to board the bus. Fortunately I spotted it just in time.

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Paris holiday con (Rousse)

We thought that we were staying in a luxury hotel in Paris, but it was a complete con.

The façade of the building was genuinely in the French capital, but as soon as we exited the glass lifts on the floor where we expected to find our bedroom, we were shepherded into a shuttle bus with a bunch of other guests. We were all asked to state where we were staying, then labels for each city identified was pinned to our backs.

After a long bus ride we were dropped off outside an industrial unit. Inside this were bedrooms in the style of the major tourist destinations of the world. We were expected to believe that we were still in the city where we expected to spend our holiday, but I was not fooled.

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