An unconsummated marriage and home delivery comfort food (Rousse)

Posted on May 19, 2016 by Dreamaticus

I wed BB around ten years ago, but we never got round to consummating our marriage – which was just a well because we both had ‘real’ spouses of our own. An occasional quick hug and chat was all that we expected of one another.

I last saw BB on the day that XY ordered in a big plate of home delivery pork to cheer her up over her awkward doctoral supervision arrangements. She ordered the same for me, and a duck breast. The delivery man lingered for some time in expectation of a tip that never materialised.

After the meal we discussed weight and diets with my cousin EV at a table inside a big white marquee.

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Princess Anne’s trip to Jenners (Rousse)

Posted on May 18, 2016 by Dreamaticus

I bumped into my old pal Princess Anne (the Princess Royal) in Jenners. TPR and I were there (having arrived by helterskelter slide) to purchase some large electrical goods. The Princess was rather confused by the layout of the shop, so I agreed to show her around.

Most other customers in the shop gave my royal friend a wide berth. However, a couple of over-excited teenagers could not contain themselves. One stuck her mobile phone in the princess’ face in an attempt to take a close-up photograph.

‘Please stop that. She’s not an animal in the zoo!’ I shouted.

The princess herself was very polite. She was full of apologies when she accidentally bumped into a woman in a wheelchair . I wondered whether this was because she had suffered a reputation for rudeness in the past, and wanted to be sure that no such stories ever reached the press again.

I left the princess on the ground floor of the shop so that I could return to TPR. I glanced back to check that she was OK and saw that she was deep in conversation with a short Asian man. I was astonished that she appeared to know XY quite intimately, and wondered what terrible things he might be telling her about me.

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A wife denies an affair (Rousse)

Posted on May 16, 2016 by Dreamaticus

My boss took me to one side. He didn’t believe me when I told him I knew what he was going to ask me, but I was right.

I responded that I did not have an affair with BT in the 1990s. There were three main reasons for this:

  1. My husband
  2. His body
  3. The fact that he tracked my every move
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Lottery winners on a plane (Rousse)

Posted on May 15, 2016 by Dreamaticus

I was extremely lucky to have two seats to myself on the long flight across the Atlantic. I even managed to get some sleep in the first couple of hours of the journey.

However, I was very curious about the couple at the front of the plane. They were seated in a very comfortable cabin all to themselves.

Scruffy and loud, they didn’t look like typical first class passengers. I wondered if they were lottery winners.

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Will Young entertains a convict (Rousse)

Posted on May 14, 2016 by Dreamaticus

The bride had somehow managed to escape the bail house and make a trip to London.

Dressed in her long, white bridal gown, she took advantage of her rediscovered freedom to accompany her husband to a Will Young concert.

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The extraordinary habits of men (Rousse)

Posted on May 14, 2016 by Dreamaticus

As a guest of the convent I was let into an astonishing secret: at least half the sisters were really brothers!

Grey-bearded men applied in great numbers to undergo the transformation. Each entered a blue and white striped tent as a regular bloke in trousers, then reemerged as a nun under a long grey habit. Nobody on the outside ever saw through their disguise.

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Maddening Microsoft Word download (Rousse)

Posted on May 14, 2016 by Dreamaticus

The new update for Word was driving me insane. Now that Microsoft had made keyboards redundant I struggled whenever I started a new document.

I couldn’t understand why they thought that touching small three dimensional plastic icons that represented words would save time typing. I looked down in despair at my current choice of ‘text’: a tiny purple teapot with matching cup and saucer. How on earth could I compose a sensible paragraph with that?

Later E explained to me that I had probably downloaded the preschool version of the program.

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Hanky panky with a young project manager (Rousse)

Posted on May 13, 2016 by Dreamaticus

I got off with Stuart, a young friend of TPR’s former colleague MS.

Stuart worked as a project manager. This was useful for PS’s Masters project. He also drove a fast car.

But this romance would never work. For a start Stuart was frightened of my University pals JG and RA. More importantly, I was far too old for him.

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Lost in the airport with David Beckham (Belle)

Posted on May 13, 2016 by Dreamaticus

A scatty older friend had mislaid her glasses and scarf and I set off to retrieve them. What should have been a simple task was complicated by my unfamiliarity with this airport. Every escalator seemed to take me further away from where I started. As I travelled on yet another escalator, I met David Beckham. He was holding a clipboard. “Good morning, Belle”, he said. “Morning, DB”, I said.

I’d never felt so alive.

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Partying with Monkhouse and a monkey (Belle)

Posted on May 12, 2016 by Dreamaticus

Miss P invited me to her garden rave and we all had a marvellous time dancing into the lilac-scented night. I was surprised that events were slowing down by 1.00am. The DJs were contractually required to stop playing music and be interviewed, Match of the Day style, for television. (“It was a team effort, but there was one drop I was so happy with, I’m glad it was me”.)

While waiting for a lift, I had to collect the monkey’s cage from the cloakroom and asked a child if the monkey would run off if I left it loose in the back of the taxi. He rolled his eyes at me. The stupidest question ever asked.

I wandered into the mustard yellow library and was overjoyed when Bob Monkhouse entered, wearing a midnight blue dinner jacket. Fiddling with his cuffs, he told me he was off to a late-night gig and he hoped people liked the material. “How could they not?” I asked. Meeting him was a highlight of my life.

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