A secret non-affair (Rousse)

Once again I had sneaked up the stairs to PL’s tiny garret flat and climbed into bed with him. Nothing much ever happened on these visits. Even so, we kept them secret.

Then I looked out of the window. In the garden below was TPR in a suit, on his mobile phone. No doubt he was trying to call me, completely unaware that I was watching him from upstairs, dressed in my nightie, with my phone switched off.

I quickly pulled on some clothes, trotted downstairs, and innocently sauntered over to my husband. He was never to know of my secret non-affair.

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Dangerous driving at the McDonalds drive thru (Rousse)

My American friend was showing off big time. When she saw the McDonalds drive-thru at the top of the peak she revved the engine and set off at full speed, almost taking out an ambulance on the way up the near-vertical hillside. I was convinced that I would throw up.

As soon as it was safe, I leapt out of the car and headed for a café. There I ordered tea and a scone, grateful to escaped the lunatic driver, but sorry to be on my own without the company of my husband.

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Eminem and a marriage proposal (Belle)

It was Eminem week at Aldi and I had bought a Toby jug with the star’s face and a matching bath towel. Later, when we met for tea, Eminem was surprised to hear of this initiative. I gave him the jug.

CM burst in with three syringes and proceeded to inoculate me so we could “travel somewhere nice”. The experience was painful and only later did I discover that this was the world’s worst proposal. The diamond was small too.

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To Redcar on a grey marble chopping board (Rousse)

We travelled by grey marble chopping board to the north east of England. In Redcar I asked our driver (BC) two questions: (1) why were we going by way of the beach; and (2) wouldn’t a taxi be a better form of transport, especially if it were to rain?

BC replied that it was much easier to steer the chopping board over sand than it was on tarmac, and that she was certain that it wouldn’t rain because she had checked the weather forecast earlier in the day.

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A busy seaside highland hotel (Rousse)

I hoped that all this cycling was helping me to lose weight. I’d seen a shocking video of myself in a mustard yellow shift dress over black leggings and did not the idea that kindly people had taken to describing me as ‘curvy’.

When we reached the small seaside town I propped the tandem up against the sea wall and we checked into the busy hotel. We could tell that its main business was coach parties from the clear labelling on the bedroom doors. Each room had a different number according to tour company and bus service.

The hotel was swarming with wedding parties and traders out to make money from hotel guests and tourists. Amongst them a man and a woman were approaching people with an offer to take their portraits, then snapping them on their mobile phones for 50p a shot. I also overheard an young Indian woman explain to someone that she and her companion weren’t Indian at all, but Ghanaian.

By the time that TPR went back outside to check on the tandem the tide had come in and swept away our bike! TPR was distraught to find a couple of wheels floating in the water. Then I pointed out that the wheels were green and that I had parked the bike on the car park side of the wall. It was safe after all.

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Helping out with a history essay (Rousse)

I sat next to Colin in the reading room of the library. I had thought he was my niece AF’s boyfriend, but then remembered that she was going out with DL. Perhaps Colin was her ex?

Whatever his status, I didn’t think much of Colin’s history essay. The opening line reminded me of TPR’s ‘You may or not be aware…’ response to a physics question in 1982.

I asked if I could take control of this laptop keyboard to at least fix the introduction.

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Neil Diamond concert gate-crasher (Rousse)

I gate-crashed the Neil Diamond concert in Paris.

I ran to the front of the auditorium, grabbed a seat at a cabaret table, then plonked myself down between DP and AD.

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Bike theft at Queen Margaret University (Rousse)

The Californian sunshine lifted my spirits so high that I was convinced that it was unnecessary to padlock my brand new bike outside Queen Margaret University. Of course, when I came back out of the building, my bike was gone.

Now I had to call TPR from a rickety public telephone to confess my stupidity.

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A caravan, a conference, and carbonara (Rousse)

I elected to sleep in the static caravan, along with the students. However, I had hoped that I would still be allowed to use the bathroom in the house. When the students told me that they used the caravan shower, or  the one on the lorry outside, I felt obliged to do the same.

It would be a lot easier when we travelled south to the conference venue. There everyone was staying in the same hotel. The only way to differentiate between the status of delegates would be the ribbons on the lanyards around our necks.

Back in the caravan, the students were surprised at the frequency with which I suggested that I make them pasta carbonara for their supper.

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Monkeys and kangaroos stalk the glens (Rousse)

The monkeys and kangaroos that recently escaped from Edinburgh Zoo have colonised vast swathes of the Scottish Highlands.

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