Unwelcome sister interference in matters of the heart (Rousse)

I had my suspicions that sixth form sweethearts G and JB had called it a day on their long marriage. That GB was a single man at last was confirmed when JB mentioned her ‘new partner’ to me.

I headed straight down the road to GB’s modernised blackhouse. He lived by the river and the steam railway line. Occasionally from here you could watch trainee tightrope walkers practise their art over the water.

I couldn’t believe my luck when I found GB at home, tucked up in bed. Now that he was separated from JB, perhaps our time had finally come? When I learnt that he had already rejected an approach from a young woman called Nicola that morning, I was convinced that this was in favour of my generous offer for later in the day.

Unfortunately, however, GB was not alone. My sister S was visiting too, as was my university friend HP. While neither of them had designs on GB, my sister was determined that nothing should happen between me and him.

Not long afterwards my other sister J also turned up (in a burgundy jumper dress). She started talking in a loud voice about TPR and his beautiful silver curls. It finally dawned on me that even if GB was single, I was not. I would not be spending the night with GB after all.

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Stitches of sisterly love (Rousse)

My sister S embroidered a green and yellow Laura Ashley tapestry for me overnight, just so that I could display matching cushions on my new blue sofa.

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Thrills of the naked Newbrough to Newcastle commuter (Rousse)

I commuted to Newcastle daily by bus and train from Newbrough, Northumberland – naked. I knew it was wrong, but found it so hard to break my habit.

It was such a thrill every morning to walk down Grainger Street in the buff, then travel up to my office in the glass elevator with my clothed colleagues (all aghast, but silent).

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Art distraction (Rousse)

TPR took down all the pictures in the hall and replaced them with a single massive canvas. It was so big that it covered both the wall and the floor. Friends, art lovers, and the general public from all around came to view the work, taking up nearly all the space in our otherwise tidy house.

Before long we were in chaos. First my shoes, keys and laptop went missing. Then TPR and I started to lose track of time. Two Saturdays in a row we set off to the airport too late to catch flights to celebrate the 30th wedding anniversary of L and T in (a) Bristol and (b) Middlesbrough. On the first occasion we didn’t even bother to ring to apologise.

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School for penguin cuddlers (Belle)

I was sent away to boarding school where the school game was penguin cuddling.  Penguin cuddling is scored on both style and endurance.

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The drunkard and the dead dog of the depths (Rousse)

GG was so surprised to find me outside her house that she collapsed on the pavement in a heap before I even had a chance to greet her. When eventually she came to, she was delighted to meet me for the first time, although puzzled as to why I would be there, making changes to the whiteboard menu for the café next door. I confessed that I thought that the whiteboard belonged to her.

GG had little planned for the day, but now that I was here a whole schedule was required. We set off to by car find KJD at the waterside garden centre café. She was seated at a table, tipsy on white wine at 10:00am. This woman was clearly a drunkard, and much larger in ‘real life’ than I would have anticipated from her online profile.

When we walked back to the car (TPR carrying KJD) I spotted a young couple, fully clothed, in the water. They appeared to be hunting for something, but waded straight past the corpse of a golden retriever. How could they miss it? It was visible in the depths all the way from the shore.

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Illegal immigration from Canada to the US with a stolen identity (Rousse)

The border between Canada and the US was due to reopen temporarily, but nobody knew for how long. I was determined to cross it. However, as a UK citizen, this would be illegal.

As part of my disguise as an American, I stole a small brown suitcase tagged for someone from the southern states. I emptied it in a toilet cubicle, away from the prying eyes of CCTV. From the contents of the case I realised that I should assume the identity of an old man with an enormous waist.

This would be tricky, but I would go through with it – and kindly post the belongings back to my ‘sponsor’ once I had completed my mission.

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Lego leisure wear (Belle)

My hair had been washed and I was waiting for my superstar hairdresser to enter the shop. I got up and wandered upstairs, where I bought  a pair of trainers made of Lego.

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Party date mix-up and chocolate Settlers of Catan (Rousse)

TPR caused chaos when he declared that we would host our Christmas party on Friday rather than Saturday due to the weather forecast. The last minute change meant that some people now couldn’t make the celebration, and there was a risk that others would still turn up on the original date due to the short notice with which TPR communicated the change of plan. Added to this, TPR had evidently forgotten that we had our own plans for the Friday night already: dinner at a pub in the Pentlands with RG-J, SG, LE and GE, followed by a trip to the Lyceum Theatre in town.

On the Friday itself, people did turn up, but not in the usual numbers. By about 9pm the few who were there were mainly old friends from our Birmingham days. Rather than dancing, they lay around the flat reading the papers. I tried to engage JS and a couple of friends from school (the T twins) in a game of Settlers of Catan, but this proved very difficult when all the counters were fashioned from large blocks of dark and white chocolate.

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Dead man chairs a game of classroom charades (Rousse)

Everyone was seated on rows of chairs in a classroom for the lunchtime game of charades. Those in the front row performed first. Then, as soon as someone in the audience made a correct guess, everyone moved forward a row and the next set of ‘actors’ took the ‘stage’.

Because I was ‘special’, I was not required to line up and wait my turn to entertain my colleagues. Instead I was matched with three others as soon as I entered the room. We had a quick discussion of Strangers in the night, then turned to the audience to perform our piece.

There was complete silence in the room as we mimed our way through the short scene. Rather than shout out multiple guesses throughout, only one person spoke, and he saved his comment until we finished. Happily, however, he came up with the right answer.

It was only when the chairman of the proceedings called for everyone to shift seats again was that I noticed MH was in charge. How could this be possible? Hadn’t he died in 2016?

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