Leg resurfacing beauty treatment (Belle)

Posted on July 30, 2019 by Dreamaticus

Initially I was delighted with my new ‘leg wrap’. It folded around my entire lower leg and knee to form a new, attractive skin. Only after the seams had magically joined together did I worry about the fact that now one leg was considerably fatter than the other.

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Cliff Richard love interest (Rousse)

Posted on July 30, 2019 by Dreamaticus

Cliff Richard showed an extraordinary degree of interest in my love life, and was rather surprised when I admitted to having three ‘proper’ boyfriends plus a husband of 30+ years.

He had assumed that only a mad spinster would send him such bizarre fan mail and beg to accompany him on his next flight. While we sheltered from a downpour in a huge commercial garage, I hunted for a photograph of TPR in his ‘pool lizard’ pose to prove that I was not lying about my marital status.

As soon as the rain stopped I led Cliff along the pavement, shielding him as best I could from the prying eyes of the general public. It was clear that many people recognised him, but most were kind, allowing us to go about our business without interruption.

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Dangers of regifting unwanted presents (Rousse)

Posted on July 29, 2019 by Dreamaticus

I was on stage facing a line of dignitaries, including Donald Leach and former Moderator of the Church of Scotland Alison Elliot, to be awarded my latest undergraduate degree (classification 2:2).

I took great care when asked to sign for the certificate, deliberately flourishing the beautiful red-barrelled pen that KT had recently given me as a present. I did so in the full knowledge that Elliot had initially offered the pen as a gift to KT herself. Elliot was quick to notice this. When she asked in loud stage whisper about the origins of my pen, I told the truth: ‘It was a present from my friend KT’.

As soon as I was out the hall I rushed off to find KT. I needed to warn her that she might be in trouble with Elliot for ‘regifting’ a present to me. I found KT just along the corridor from the classroom of Upper Five Alpha, undertaking some work for the school bursar (her ‘office husband’).

KT didn’t care about any offence that the former moderator might take. ‘Doesn’t everyone pass on presents from time to time?’ she asked.

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A cycling cheat in Cumbria (Rousse)

Posted on July 28, 2019 by Dreamaticus

The blue tandem split as we were cycling through Cumbria, just moments after I mentioned to TPR that it would be interesting to call in on locations along the route that were associated with my Lancastrian ancestors.

TPR didn’t appear to have noticed that we were no longer connected and, despite my calls, continued to pedal at high speed into the far distance until he was nothing but a speck on the horizon.

Four days later I eventually caught up with him in a Lake District holiday resort. He towered above me in his blue professional cycling outfit, muscles bulging through the lycra.

TPR admitted that he had heard my cries when the tandem had first split, but had ignored them because he did not want his holiday ruined with nostalgic trips to sites of dead relatives. So that was the reason why he sped off – with all our cash and the car keys.

I suspected that he had been up to no good in the time since I last saw him. He soon confirmed my fears. He’d enjoyed liaisons with four women so far, yet he would not reveal whether or not he had paid for any of their services.

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A jewellery box burglary (Rousse)

Posted on July 28, 2019 by Dreamaticus

It had been a sticky meal all round and now my cousin’s wife SB was bringing a tray of red jellies out of the fridge. Meanwhile her daughter PB was ruining a pale leather jewellery box as she poked it with her grubby little paws.

I pick up the toddler and took her into my bedroom to show her my wooden – and less destructible – jewellery box.

When I reached my dressing table, however, I was alarmed to discover that the lid was off my jewellery box and that it was completely empty of its rare and valuable contents. How long ago had we been burgled, and why had we not noticed this until now?

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Anti-gravity children and the bonus Bakerloo line station (Belle)

Posted on July 28, 2019 by Dreamaticus

I couldn’t seem to shake this man off. At one point we were sharing a London taxi over Deptford Bridge in the 1990s. Then we were walking through a Liberty-style mock Tudor shopping mall. It was here that I saw two small children outside a newsagent bobbing up and down as if they were in a space capsule. I was curious but too embarrassed to ask questions.

Eventually I arrived home and my share of the taxi ride was £20. I stared out of my bedroom window, craning my neck to the left and for the first time realised that I had lived very close to a Bakerloo line tube station (‘Waterloo North’) for many years without realising it.

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Christopher Walken, dancer and time traveller (Belle)

Posted on July 28, 2019 by Dreamaticus

The venue was pretty run down but we were trying to make the best of it. A fellow traveller ran up to me. “Say, do you remember that film?”. I did not. Then she brought out a 1970s ‘movie viewer’ which I was able to wear like a pair of bulky spectacles.

Suddenly I could see Christopher Walken and two lovely women dancing glamourously down a staircase in 1930s evening gowns. It was the exact staircase we were standing near, but in its Hollywood heyday.

“Well aren’t you a clever thing?” I said. I just wanted everyone to be friends.

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Recording artiste AND Big Bang Theory landlady (Belle)

Posted on July 28, 2019 by Dreamaticus

I was running a ‘competitive Airbnb’ and was looking to buy a present for my next guest (Raj from The Big Bang Theory) that wasn’t just ‘a boring sweater’. I had also recorded a semi-successful record, and a pretty smooth video, called “Nothing I’ve Seen”.

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A bigamist and big birds with red breasts (Rousse)

Posted on July 26, 2019 by Dreamaticus

I married my husband’s niece in a small but intimate ceremony with most of my in-laws in attendance. None of the family thought it odd that I was committing bigamy. Even I had convinced myself that it was permissible to have a two spouses – one male and the other female.

Meanwhile my parents moved to a big bungalow in Edinburgh. Its massive garden was crowded with robins the size of seagulls. I was delighted when my mother said that she would be employing a gardener.

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Police presence in Leith blocks smooth passage to underwear Albert (Rousse)

Posted on July 24, 2019 by Dreamaticus

When I saw that Leith Walk was swarming with police, I began to understand why my colleagues in Engineering had expressed concern that I was walking down to the waterfront on my own. I couldn’t work out the reason for the huge police presence, but I was amused to see some very young officers – presumably on work experience – dressed in standard issue jackets with multi-coloured shorts.

It took some time for me to pick my way through the crowd of uniforms and make it to the bar where I was meeting TPR. Once there, I found my husband desperate to hand over his latest present for me.

I thought it a complete waste of money. Why would anyone pay £830 for a small plastic container about the size of an old-fashioned portable CD player, designed to hold a small supply of underwear? And who came up with the ridiculous idea of calling this contraption an ‘Albert’?

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