A novel solution (Rousse)

Somehow we had to squeeze yet another desk into our crowded office. The obvious solution was for me to unpack the bookcase and take all my novels home.

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Unicycle motorbiking in the Scottish Highlands (Rousse)

I sped round Pitlochry on a unicycle motorbike. This was just as difficult as it sounds.

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The almost bigamist bride (Rousse)

At a workshop organised by JS, and attended by many of my friends (including JM), AC proposed to MSB. To everyone’s complete surprise, she accepted.

The next morning at breakfast AC refused his usual steaming cup of coffee for a pot of lukewarm herbal tea. It was as if drinking the pale purple liquid was a way of paying penance for his hastiness in inviting MSB to be his bride. He confessed that he didn’t want to marry her after all.

I volunteered to track down MSB to pass on the news. I suspected that she would be found at the Virgin Active gym at Edinburgh’s Omni Centre. I waited for her in reception. The gym staff regarded me with suspicion. Had I come to spy on their paperwork?

MSB emerged from her work-out and followed me out on to the street. As we walked along Queen Street (and before I had summoned up the courage to break AC’s bad news) MSB revealed that she deeply regretted agreeing to become AC’s wife. This made my job much easier. It was entirely sensible that the wedding now be called off, especially given that MSB was already married.

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Mislabelled marmalade crisis (Rousse)

I sat down to breakfast at my parents’ mansion. I was finally beginning to warm to the place now that I understood it layout, and was accustomed to the tourists who peered in to observe us every day.

When I put the slice of toast to my mouth I almost choked on the vile taste of marmalade.

“This jar says honey!” I protested.

“Oh dear, that would be your mother’s labelling” said one of the two servants hovering over me, as she whipped my plate away.

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Couple helpless as Royal Bank of Scotland head office goes up in flames (Rousse)

I was sitting on the concrete floor at Waverley Station, leaning against a plate glass window, when X approached me.

“What are you doing here?” I demanded to know. “Shouldn’t you be at a conference in Norfolk?”

X lifted me from the ground and attempted to give me a weak hug. His body felt very bony under his ghastly red chenille jumper.

“I had to escape from my nagging wife”, he replied. “I’ve always loved Edinburgh, so here I am.”

We stepped out from the railway station and walked up to George Street. At the far end of St Andrew Square we noticed an orange glare.

“Is that the Queen’s Hall on fire?” asked X.

“No, the Queen’s Hall is at the other end of town. That’s the Royal Bank of Scotland”, I replied.

We had nothing to offer the fire service so we headed out of town to spend the rest of the day in the sunshine on a beautiful two mile long sandy beach.

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A call for a highlands home (Rousse)

Normally JG would be the last one to pack up the island house at the end of the season, but this year it was me.

“You’ll need to have your cases ready by 13:00”, he instructed.

I reached over to put some cheery music on the CD player, then delayed the task of packing further by wandering over to the window. A small flock of oyster catchers span in the air, flashing black, white and red against the blue late summer sky.

It was sights like this view from the window that caused me so much pain. Why couldn’t we move to the highlands? Even Oban would be an acceptable compromise.

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Fight breaks out on A702 as couple takes the wrong road south (Rousse)

At best our relations might be described as “professional”. At worst they were “frosty”. On an average day we tolerated one another – so why did he have his arm around me, and why did it feel so natural to be cosying up to him?!

We decided that the next event would take place at Northumbria University in Newcastle, and immediately set off by foot to explore the venue. It was only when we were already a couple of miles along the A702 that we realised that we should have been following the A68.

Things were further complicated when we were attacked by a gang of strangers who tried to steal our equipment. We had to fight really hard to retrieve the sticks and pucks for the ice-breaker game, and reload them onto our trolley.

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What (not) to wear to your reunion (Rousse)

My mother-in-law told us that she was “just popping out” so why had she left us for hours with nothing to do other than put away the dishes? Eventually we gave up on her and caught a lift to the shopping centre.

On the lower floor I was surprised to find members of my own final year undergraduate class, all here for some sort of organised gathering. Although everyone else was in the know, I was clueless. Had I really planned another reunion? And what was this ghastly uniform that they were all wearing? My contemporaries looked terrible, all dressed in short boxy Channel-style suit jackets made of thick bouclé fabrics in a multitude of lurid colours. What had happened to their sense of style? Didn’t they know that this was not a good look?

Now I was faced with the challenge of being the one in charge of a huge group of badly dressed (mainly) middle-aged women, with no plans whatsoever. There was also the risk that my mother-in-law would reappear and expect my attention.

I approached a member of staff on duty at one of the food court stands and asked where we might hold the reunion. She pointed to some vacant shabby seats and tables behind her. This would have to do.

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Katie Price returns to work as earnings drop (Rousse)

Katie Price (AKA Jordan) was offering her services as a beautician at Edinburgh Royal Infirmary.

“Why would anyone with your wealth be waxing other people’s legs?” I asked her.

“I only earn £300,000 a year”, she replied as she called in her next client.

Meanwhile, led by a man in a grey cashmere scarf and his wife, a coach-load of Romanian pensioners waited outside the main hospital entrance. They were assisted by a young Scottish student, employed as their local guide. The student explained that the visitors were healthcare tourists. Each had paid a huge sum of money to come to Scotland for plastic surgery.

NHS Scotland was clearly pleased with this East European custom. A brass band played as the patients lined up to board the trolleys that would take them into theatre.

Katie Price is a Dreamaticus regular. Catch up with her here:

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Birmingham’s Grand Canyon (Rousse)

We now lived almost permanently in a tiny house on a rough estate in Birmingham. Even so, we welcomed many visitors, the majority of whom were young men taking breaks along the route of their very long journeys south. I remember one in particular who was in need of a good wash. Rather than dirty our white porcelain bath, he plunged into the lavatory bowl for his ablutions.

It was several weeks before I realised that our house was close to a site of outstanding natural beauty and geological significance. If you walked just a few steps beyond our front door you reached a massive canyon, so big that it rivalled the Grand Canyon itself. If I could only shake off the annoying teenage girls who followed me everywhere around the estate, I would head over to the canyon and take some photos.

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