A deadly bed and breakfast (Rousse)

It must have been cold in Susan Morrison’s bed and breakfast because TPR was wearing JH’s woollen beanie hat in bed (while JH slept on the floor beside us).

It was a dangerous trek across the field to breakfast the next morning. The third day I slipped, fell under the barbed wire fence, and slid all the way down the grass bank to the edge of the snake-infested river. I tried to climb back up again, but the bank was too steep and slippery. My only option was to jump in the water and swim to the dining room.

TPR could not leave me to brave the river and the snakes alone, so he joined me in the water too. We drifted along with the flow quite happily until we reached a high weir. The fast flowing torrent here was highly dangerous and we needed to get out – fast!

Back on land again we raided the cubicles in the public swimming baths for a couple of discarded towels. We had surely missed breakfast, but at least we were out of the water.

A few days later, safely back at home in our enormous mansion, we learnt that the bed and breakfast was a front. The proprietor was a murderess whose habit was to stack up the multiple rotting corpses of her ‘guests’ in otherwise unoccupied beds. Even though she hadn’t managed to kill us, she still sent us a bill for three nights accommodation (including breakfast). This infuriated TPR.

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Is Dr Who to blame for a shrinking world? (Rousse)

When the elevator doors opened I was disappointed to see that the lift was minuscule. How would we all fit in there?

‘Just go in one at a time’ my colleague suggested. It was clear that she could not see the problem.

I pulled the carriage out of the lift shaft, placed it on the floor, then put my foot on top of it. This made it obvious that the carriage was smaller than my shoe.

In the distance I could see the BBC buildings. I wondered whether this shrinking world might have something to do with Dr Who?

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Tea with President Trump (Rousse)

I foolishly agreed to take tea with President Trump during his official visit to the UK. However, there was some question as to whether or not I would make it to our date.

My mode of transport was my mother’s old Ford Granada. I could barely reach the pedals from the high armchair-style driver’s seat. Once in position, I struggled to remember how to manouevre a car, and ended up driving on the pavement rather than the road.

If I were to reach President Trump at all, I would be very late.

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Hugh Grant purchases train ticket in public (Rousse)

There was Hugh Grant at the station ticket booth chatting with railway staff on the same day that I was trying to make arrangements for a trip to London with DTJ and KJ.

I knew that Hugh Grant had met CM on a couple of occasions and was much a fan of his comedy as we were. This gave me an excuse to speak to the movie star.

When he shook my hand, Hugh Grant gave the impression that he was aware of my identity. Whether or not this was just an act, I did not care.

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Bubble wrap tests for athlete’s foot (Belle)

I was given a playing card sized piece of bubble wrap and shown how to use it to test for athlete’s foot (I didn’t  have it) and to measure sugar consumption (I had eaten way too much mousse and needed to lose weight).

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Noisy clothing (Rousse)

There was such a loud rustle every time that I budged in my seat that the other cinema goers were leaning over to tell me to shush. I couldn’t understand why my jacket would make such a racket until someone suggested that it was perhaps due to its age and state of cleanliness.

I left the screening early to investigate the reasons for my noisy clothing. I discovered that the jacket was so old and dirty that a family of chattering insects had set up home within the purple fleece fabric. I needed to find a washing machine – fast.

BC offered me the facilities in her ramshackle house. Although there was no washing machine to be seen, there were bath tubs of various sizes in just about every room. I was also welcome to make use of the numerous lavatories scattered around the building.

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A narcoleptic puffin hunter (Rousse)

I was a narcoleptic.

In some circumstances my condition was barely noticeable. For example, whenever I was late joining SL for our 09:00am yoga session, she simply concluded that I had slept in.

Otherwise it could be highly dangerous, as on the day that I passed out while hunting for puffins on the high cliffs above the North Sea near Whitby.

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Killer eggs of Hollywood (Belle)

The TV was on in the bar but the sound was off. It was the perfect opportunity to show off my knowledge of mid-century historical dramas filmed in technicolour. I took full advantage.

I explained that the gilded carriage was – in theory at least – simply transporting the fairy tale king around the land. His people were waving banners and cheering.  But all was not well. The camera zoomed in onto half a dozen eggs in a carton sitting next to the coach driver. Unbeknownst to everyone, these eggs were spreading an invisible fug of disease around the entire land and thousands were doomed.  Later a simple son of the forest will find the cure and marry the king’s daughter. It was a little known classic.

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To Hexham for celebrities, and to Perth for the pantomime (Rousse)

A crowd of posh pensioners carrying cameras obstructed my way as I attempted to drive my little buggy (illegally) along the pavement of Temperley Place, Hexham. They had their long lenses fixed on a doorway, in eager anticipation of snapping a celebrity couple.

‘Who are you waiting for?’ I enquired of an old lady who was almost bent double by the weight of her camera.

She named a distant member of the royal family, and former consort of the Queen, who  (with her ancient husband) was on her way to a reception at the cinema. I had never heard of this woman. I didn’t even recognise her when she eventually emerged into the daylight.

A member of cinema staff later repeated my description of the supposed celebrity couple as ‘So old and decrepit they might have stepped out of the Thriller video’. She put her job at risk by saying this within earshot of the elderly photographer fans .

Meanwhile, in a section of the cinema that was partitioned off from the main event, TMcE was chairing a meeting of the British Computer Society. He explained to a less than enthusiastic audience of programmers that the next event to be sponsored by their professional body would be a trip to the pantomime in Perth.

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Failing your finals (Rousse)

Now that we were in the second term of the final year of our degrees it was high time that I started work on my dissertation. I caught Mrs S heading into the staff room and confessed to her that I didn’t have a topic.

This, apparently, was ‘No problem at all’, and she told me not to worry. I considered her advice very irresponsible: the deadline was fast approaching, and it was probably now impossible for me to research, write and submit anything of value in time.

Then I paid HB a visit. She was lying flat on the floor, very straight and still, like a mummified body. GG was watching over her.

We all felt terribly sorry for HB. She had suffered an accident on the ice rink when the blade of another skater’s boot had sliced off her nose. It would be some time before she would recover, and highly unlikely that she would take her finals with us.

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