Super-friendly furry animals, early blooms, and stolen chocolates (Rousse)

Four grey squirrels, each accompanied by a tiny rust-coloured baby kit, leapt from the treetops into my coat as I passed through the market. I managed to shake the squirming animals out of my clothing by the time I reached home.

There I found TPR painting the yard a brilliant white in readiness for the annual display summer flowers.  My sister J had already supplied various bowls and tubs of foliage – but it wasn’t even April yet, and nothing would survive the risk of further cold weather until at least the start of May.

Later, when the rest of our family arrived laden with boxes of chocolates, TPR and I stole the best ones and took them to our room.

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Junkie Genesis journal article theft (Rousse)

I pushed past the junkies in the dark alleyway at the top of Edinburgh’s Broughton Street to enter Crombies’ temporary butcher’s shop. The butcher business taken over the halal meat emporium/paperback library/convenience store while its main shop several yards down the road was being renovated. When I reached the head of the queue, I picked up the pack of bacon that TPR had ordered earlier in the week, and engaged in a short conversation with the staff about the contents of the book shelves behind them.

On my way out of the building I pulled out my big camera to photograph the temporary set-up. Then I negotiated a route past the junkies for a second time and set off again down Broughton Street.

Half way down the hill I could hear someone behind me joining in my rendition of Genesis’ ‘I know what I like in your wardrobe’. When I turned round I saw that the person accompanying me was a skinny blonde woman dressed in rags. I recognised her as one the junkies that I had seen earlier at the top of the road.

This woman initiated a conversation with me, then lunged for my backpack. She managed to unzip it, then pull out a slim bottle of vodka and a blue silk scarf. I fought with her to retrieve my belongings, but failed miserably. Soon she had my entire rucksack in her grasp, and ran off into the distance.

Gone were my camera and my laptop, but – worst of all – the only copy of the manuscript of the journal article that I had promised to complete for PC over the weekend.

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Dog becomes monk (Belle)

T the dog joined a monastery and started to wear a tiny brown habit. His official role was mouse-catcher although he let the mice go after he caught them.

The CEO arrived at a building site to address a small group of men. Instead of making the expected business announcement, he said “Four of you are gay” and left the room. Everyone cheered.

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A toilet knee-trembler with Tom Hiddleston (Belle)

Tom Hiddleston locked us into the hotel lobby toilet. He was much more into it than I was. I kept thinking about the bathroom I was supposed to be deep cleaning.

Later, outside in the slush and snow, local yobbos were throwing grit onto the roads, flagging down passing motorists and then hanging on to their rear bumpers to go ‘poverty snowboarding’.

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Long lost auntie turns up in Brazil (Rousse)

I was in Brazil to learn Portuguese. One day when I was out on the street (to steal a pair of black knickers to go with my navy blue patterned T shirt) I noticed from behind an old lady edging along the pavement. Balanced on two walking sticks, she was dressed in beige trousers and a yellow crocheted top.

Not long after I returned home I saw the old lady again. She walked into the house where I was staying and revealed herself. Now her face was visible, her identity was quite obvious. She was the image of JC! Since she was not JC’s mother, I could only conclude that she must be her long long auntie.

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Shopping disturbances (Rousse)

VAE and CM telephoned me from a ‘country fare’ style gift shop. VAE leant against a display of pink stilettos as she was speaking to me. She shouted in alarm when the first one on the shelf toppled over and the others followed domino-style.

It soon became obvious that every item displayed in the shop was attached to the one next to it. Within minutes the whole showroom was in complete disarray.

When TPR and I turned up at the shop soon afterwards the manager took one look at me and recalled in disgust that I had once shop-lifted a water bottle from her gift shop in Allendale.

VAE was ordered to clear up the mess, or pay a fine of £653.

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Marine stegosaurus stalks walkers on Edinburgh canal track (Rousse)

All the animals – including ferocious lions and tigers – broke free from their enclosures at Edinburgh zoo. Fortunately I was in complete safety, high up in the cabin of my red tractor.

However, my fortunes changed when I later took a walk along the side of the canal. There  I came face-to-face with a marine stegosaurus. I screamed, turned on my heel and ran – and counted myself lucky to escape with my life.

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Car jack lover (Rousse)

FJ jumped into the car, grabbed the wheel, and declared his undying love for me.

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Morpeth train disaster (Rousse)

Whatever the reason that TPR stepped onto the platform at Morpeth, when he attempted to rejoin the service he accidentally climbed into the carriage of a different northbound train – non-stop to Pitlochry!

I screamed at him to disembark, but by the time that he heard me the Edinburgh train had already started to pull out of the station. It was all his fault that we were stranded.

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Triple dating with James Corden (Belle)

I had no idea why current boyfriend (TM) had invited former boyfriend (JHI) out on a date with us. Everything was made more awkward by the addition of James Corden to our little group. Then JHI was kidnapped outside of Angel tube station and corralled into a sort of holding pen outside the bingo hall. Worst date ever.

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