I spotted a vintage poster with the headline “I love drawing pens”. I couldn’t help but notice the typesetter had left a space between the “n” and the “s” so I decided to amend the poster to read “I love drawing penis”. I laughed so hard in the most self congratulatory way possible. How was it possible that I was so funny and clever?
Then I cut myself a terrible fringe with the kitchen scissors. Suddenly I wasn’t as clever as I thought I was.
After months of coronavirus lockdown, we were let back on to campus.
I followed AD and LK along the corridor to my office. There we found a couple of admin staff using the room for a meeting. It didn’t take long to shoo them out, then we sat down for our discussions of thesis external examiners.
It was good to be back in my room, but when had they built the train line and passenger platform outside the window? I remarked to the others that I could easily serve tea to the railway workers at such close proximity.
EH and I were reminiscing about her old wardrobe. We spoke fondly of her purple party dress from Phase eight. ‘It even won me AHRC funding’ gushed my admiring friend.
I hadn’t seen TS in years, yet he treated me like a long-lost sister. His generosity knew no bounds when he presented me with a family heirloom to take home: an antique Christmas-decorated serving dish.
When he wandered off through the house to look for something else, I noticed his distinctive dress. He was wearing the garb of medieval knight, identical to that in one of LBL’s watercolours. How was he connected to her? Was the plate really one of her belongings?
We would surely lose the competition if the black Labrador – friendly up until this point – continued to refuse to be carried on my back.
When it bared its teeth at me yet again, I suggested that perhaps we should call Mary and ask her to do this round?
I invented a new paint colour – “Italian Holiday Green” and it was a roaring success.
Then I got married to a celebrity. The wedding was ‘promenade style’. My new husband and I walked through a succession of Arts and Crafts era wooden homes and I wore a floating lilac dress. Then we happened upon a ‘stadium funeral’ for six families. I tried to buy tea and fairy cakes for my new husband with a 500,000 Euro bank note. Fortunately my husband intervened before I made even more of a fool of myself.
When we got home we dried the dog on the radiator.
When TPR cruelly divorced me, I was desperate to find a new partner. It soon became obvious that the gap in age between me and my first choice second husband (VJ’s son C) was too big to bridge, so I had to seek elsewhere.
I approached Susan Calman’s ex. To my astonishment she immediately accepted my proposal! We quickly married in a leather sofa-ed hotel lounge in front of a random set of witnesses: two nurses, my old boss JH, and gatecrashers RK and TMcE.
I soon wished that I had spent more time getting to know my new wife before taking her down the aisle. I was appalled when, straight after the wedding, I discovered that she was a smoker.
I was probably an easy target after TPR left me. When I awoke, I knew that I was in a hotel bed in Italy. I could also remember taking a walk through the woods with a nice man called Peter the previous afternoon. However, I had no memory at all of the evening.
When I went downstairs, the staff congratulated me on my auction ‘wins’. I took a bar worker aside and asked about my purchases – and my drinking. Seemingly I had spent a fortune on fine art but very little on alcohol.
Then I found a scribbled note and a photograph in my pocket. Peter, who thanked me for a lovely night, was looking forward to seeing me the weekend after next. I recognised him in the photograph standing next to one of the T twins, most probably HH.
I could only conclude that Peter had spiked my drink and taken advantage of my unconscious state. When I next saw HH, she confirmed that she knew Peter and that this was the kind of behaviour to be expected of him.
It was an easy drive in two cars to the Yorkshire Dales for a weekend away to celebrate my birthday. It was only when we reached our destination that we understood why the roads and villages were deserted: coronavirus pandemic lockdown. Our hotel was probably closed too!
It was too late to turn around and drive home again so instead we continued on to AG and LG’s farm. If they were also in lockdown, then their rental cottage would be empty.
LG did well to hide her shock at seeing us. She graciously showed us around the accommodation, made us all a bowl of porridge, and left out boxes of cereal for our breakfast.
Once settled, we discussed our plans for the next day. If everything was closed, how would we entertain ourselves, and where would we eat? GC held up his gout-ravaged hand and pleaded with us not to abandon him in the lonely cottage all by himself. It seemed that the only real option would be to set off straight home again after breakfast.
A small brown cloth badge stitched in white with the letters T, H and S caught my eye on eBay. Someone from my old school must be selling on the site.
The same seller had posted a chipped Blue Peter badge (not in such good condition as my own). Then I spotted a small white card badge with the word ‘Team’ written across it in biro – in my handwriting.
Somebody, somewhere, had raided some of my most precious items and was selling them online!
Dreamaticus 