Donald Trump will run for President: exclusive interview from David Elstein’s offices (Rousse)

Posted on February 6, 2023 by Dreamaticus

Donald Trump’s fall from power was so great that he now worked in advertising sales for David Elstein’s media empire. My good friend JM also worked for Elstein, so gave me access to the once ‘great’ man.

One day I took advantage of my connection to the former president and chatted to him about his future plans. He lapped up all the attention, especially since most of his workmates actively ignored him whenever possible. Very subtly, I brought him round to the question of the next presidential election. Would he stand? It seemed that he would, and the scoop was mine.

One of the other colleagues told me that he was about to leave the company. He asked if I could pass a parting gift on to JM, who out of the office that day. I willingly took the small square plate of steel, engraved with words of admiration and thanks for JM. JM’s soon-to-be former colleague proudly told me that he had composed the string of kind words all by himself.

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Ape World attractions (Rousse)

Posted on February 5, 2023 by Dreamaticus

I took the coach to Ape World with a bunch of school friends. All were in the same form as me, but with the exception of KM, they were in a different class. Amongst my travelling companions were Dippy Dawn and Loopy Lorraine, and a couple of scary school bullies.

My first impression of Ape World was one of great disappointment. With its sticky carpets and forlorn displays, it gave the impression of a cross between a Wetherspoons pub and a once state-of-the-art, but long since abandoned, museum.

I wandered through three of the four main halls – ‘Human world’, ‘Nature world’, and ‘Animal world’ – completely unimpressed by the static models and the dull text that accompanied them. When I reached the entrance to the fourth, I hesitated at the sound of animal screeches and human screams. Were those real apes behind the dark panels? What were they doing to the unseen museum visitors? Was the main attraction to be chased by primates through dark corridors?

I was not prepared to find out. Instead I wandered upstairs to join my Canadian cousins NT and DT, and hunt down some lunch.

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Holiday home pros and cons (Rousse)

Posted on February 4, 2023 by Dreamaticus

At the top of the hill, I jumped off the bike and passed it to PMF. This was because I was too scared to negotiate the steep incline on the other side. He would ride, and I would run behind him.

Our destination was P and C’s new holiday home. They had bought a flat above a shop in a village just outside Manchester. I couldn’t work out whether the permanent funfair that ran every weekend in the ground directly opposite the flat was a bonus, or a terrible post-purchase shock.

The shop below sold cut-price Highland Stoneware seconds. This counted as an advantage of the location – at least to me.

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Tubby topless teen teacher (Belle)

Posted on February 3, 2023 by Dreamaticus

I was out for my afternoon walk when I saw a pasty shirtless teenage boy dancing salsa with a middle aged woman. He was twirling her around and calling out the steps – “One, two, THREE, four”, and she was spinning and laughing. As I got closer I realised the teenager was Bobby from King of the Hill.

The next afternoon, there he was again, teaching a different woman. I approached slowly and realised he was a terrible dancer, and an awful teacher. Yet here he was, wobbling around the mews with a delighted partner. What body confidence, I thought bitterly. How long would it be before I was begging Bobby to teach me how to dance really badly?

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Wellies at work (Rousse)

Posted on February 3, 2023 by Dreamaticus

Four inches of water lay across the floor of every lift in the office building. This explained the new fashion for work footwear: green wellies.

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An almost doctor (Rousse)

Posted on February 3, 2023 by Dreamaticus

My sister S revealed that she too had undertaken doctoral studies, so why did she not use the title ‘Doctor’?

She confessed that she had submitted her work and passed her viva examination, but couldn’t be bothered to deal with the minor corrections to her thesis. She therefore never graduated with a PhD.

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Sheffield trains and brothels (Rousse)

Posted on February 2, 2023 by Dreamaticus

A tall French woman in a long white cotton dress stood perplexed on a platform at Edinburgh Waverley railway station. When I offered to help her, she held up her phone to me to display her train ticket. She complained that she couldn’t find the service to Sheffield at the time specified on her device.

‘That’s because your ticket is from Sheffield to Edinburgh, and not the other way round. The time you have here is the time that the Sheffield train departs for Edinburgh’, I said in French. ‘When we board the Sheffield train later, I can explain to the guard the mistake that you made when booking your ticket. If you are lucky, he won’t charge you for a replacement.’

Our new friend Julianne boarded the train and sat opposite us in the same carriage. I hoped that she couldn’t follow our conversation in English as TPR started to confess all his brothel visits to me.

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A cycle ride across the US (Rousse)

Posted on February 1, 2023 by Dreamaticus

I cycled miles and miles across the US.

The most terrifying part was on the inside lane on the freeways; the most adventurous through dense forests, where the trees and the sky were my only company.

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An ancestral soup tureen (Rousse)

Posted on February 1, 2023 by Dreamaticus

I spotted an enormous Victorian china soup tureen inside a glass-fronted display cabinet in the British Library. Amongst the pastoral scenes that decorated the white porcelain was some elaborate script. This indicated that the tureen was given in commemoration of dedicated service to the Freemasons.

The first recipient was JPT, the second JP. This astonished me.  These two men were my great-great-great grandfather and his son-in-law (my great-great grandfather).

The curatorial staff at the British Library, however, couldn’t have cared less. To them, the tureen was just another shabby old scrap of china.

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Belle rescues conference at the Hilton London Olympia (Rousse)

Posted on January 31, 2023 by Dreamaticus

I was back at the Hilton London Olympia running a one-day conference.

The morning sessions went very well. My former colleague PT was the star of the show as he peppered his presentation with witty asides. I knew it! He really did have a sunny side, but was just reluctant to expose it in everyday exchanges. In the past I had also suspected that he might have a penchant for cross-dressing. I was correct on this count too. On the podium he wore a short-sleeved, green lawn cotton dress with a large slit up the back, high heels, and subtle make-up. The majority of the delegates accepted him as he was, although one of his graduates chased after me in the break to express her surprise at the change in the demeanour and dress of her former tutor.

It all started to fall apart at lunchtime. First, KB announced that one of the key afternoon speakers had pulled out. Then I spotted that the presentation slides from one of the company information providers indicated that the slot would be a simple sales catalogue walk-through. Meanwhile there were problems with the venue. These included water leaking through the restaurant ceiling, and filthy lavatories.

I also lost track of time during the lunch break. This was partly because the delegates kept coming up to me to ask questions. Some of these were completely irrelevant to the conference theme. A father and daughter combo, for example, demanded a detailed explanation of the list of letters after my name.

I was desperate for some extra help as the conference organiser, so was very relieved when a familiar figure approached me after lunch. Dressed in a man’s Tweed suit matched with a Fair Isle tank top, here was my saviour. ‘Welcome Belle. I have missed you so much’, I said, grinning from ear to ear.

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