David Baddiel and love (Rousse)

Posted on April 14, 2023 by Dreamaticus

There was nobody more astonished than I was when David Baddiel fell in love with me.

We first met through friends, and now we were inseparable. We chatted for hours (I confessed that I used to listen to his football world cup shows with Frank Skinner on Radio 5 Live, hardly understanding  of his commentary), and I even plucked up the courage to take him to my mother’s house (although I didn’t let him see the mess upstairs).

David was incredibly caring and polite. He did not seem concerned that my advanced age would rule out our ever having children together; he dodged my question about his relationship with Rob Brydon by pointing out that Rob spends much time out of the country these days.

The best reaction to my new boyfriend came when I introduced him to one of my old admin colleagues. She first glanced at him, nodded a polite hello, and started to turn away. Then something made her take a second look.

‘Oh, he’s that David!’ she exclaimed. Now, strangely, she was extremely interested in my love life.

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Watch Lola! (Rousse)

Posted on April 12, 2023 by Dreamaticus

I screamed at everyone in the railway carriage that they must watch the just-released cinematic masterpiece Lola.

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Inappropriate ecclesiastical furniture (Rousse)

Posted on April 10, 2023 by Dreamaticus

The grandfather clock was very big. Indeed, it was so huge that it was hard to imagine that it would fit into any domestic setting.

Then LM pointed out the matching alter.

This antique shop specialised in ecclesiastical furniture. It was not the place to select pieces to kit out a small flat.

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A Teesside child bike thief (Rousse)

Posted on April 10, 2023 by Dreamaticus

You could say that it was my own fault that 9 year-old Tory stole my bike. TPR would be aghast to learn that I had left it unlocked outside the pharmacy, even if I argued that I was in a ‘nice’ part of Teesside.

I scoured the ads on Facebook Marketplace to see if Tory was trying to sell my steed. However, it looked like he was keeping it for himself.

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The flying academic (Rousse)

Posted on April 9, 2023 by Dreamaticus

Even though I gave the new professor a public dressing-down for instructing me to make the arrangements for the staff night out, I still went ahead and made some enquiries. I really needed to get used to the idea that I was no longer ‘in charge’.

One compensation was that I was still the only person in the group who could fly. I exerted my special super power as I cruised back through the air to campus to tell the others about possible venues for our celebration.

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Thirsty in Tain (Rousse)

Posted on April 8, 2023 by Dreamaticus

By the time that we arrived in Tain, my throat was so dry that I could hardly speak.

TPR and I stood by JS and AT’s garden wall and waited until one of them appeared. Soon JS returned to her house, smartly addressed after a long day at work.

I lost TPR when he followed JS indoors. I ended up in a neighbour’s carpentry workshop. This was a vast room, with stuffed deer head shooting trophies staring down from every wall. The neighbour ushered me back next door.

I settled in the kitchen for the rest of the afternoon, focusing on the washing-up.

Later, I was delighted when MH came to the door. She was completely soaked due to a sudden highland downpour.

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A single-handed ski pole assailant (Rousse)

Posted on April 6, 2023 by Dreamaticus

My 83 year old mother tossed her sturdy walking sticks to the kerb, then scampered up the road towards a group of young men. There she identified her quarry, then attacked him single-handed with a ski pole.

She was clearly not as feeble as we thought.

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Conquering the Andes for £55k (Rousse)

Posted on March 29, 2023 by Dreamaticus

KJD stood up from the table, grabbed her wine glass, and invited her closest friends to join her at the other side of the room. When everyone apart from her two sons followed her, I felt that I had the right to do the same.

Once we were all settled in our new seats, KJD made her announcement. She recalled her previous ‘adventures’ such as wild swimming. She dismissed them all as passing fads now that she had splashed out £55,000 on a trip to South America. Next month, she and her husband would conquer the Andes.

When I raised the risk of death in the perilous mountains, KJD responded that this would be fine, so long as she and her husband died together.

‘Hear, hear!’ said the old lady seated next to me.

‘Oh, are you a widow?’ I asked her.

‘No’, she replied, ‘My husband is at home. I can’t stand him, so I come to the pub as often as I can’.

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Scruffy cellar dwellers (Rousse)

Posted on March 28, 2023 by Dreamaticus

I dropped a line of muddy footprints along the pale blue carpet when I came into the house from the garden. I really should have taken off my wellingtons at the back door. Now I would have to waste time cleaning up the mess. I opened the hall cupboard door to pull out the Hoover.

On a shelf high in the cupboard I spotted a VHS tape. What could this be?

When we played the video back later that same day, we discovered footage of our house in the early 1980s. From this, we learnt that our garden flat had previously been the lower part of a very smart single dwelling comprising our floor and the one above.

The former owners would be terribly disappointed if they were ever to return and visit our scruffy basement.

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Pitlochry: the Cotwolds of the North (Rousse)

Posted on March 26, 2023 by Dreamaticus

JS and RR moved with us to Pitlochry, recently declared the ‘Cotswolds of the North’.

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