Christian evangelists invade Florida (Rousse)

TPR and I came into ownership of a hotel in Florida. Whenever we visited, we stayed in a separate adjoining apartment with access to three private swimming pools.

One day as we crossed the hotel lobby on the way back to our quarters, a very tall pale young woman with lank dark hair, and dressed in an old fashioned cotton smock, approached me.

‘I’ve just landed in the US and I’m here to do my internship’, she announced. ‘Where should I put  my stuff?’

Until she explained that she and I had corresponded by email briefly about eight months earlier, I had no recollection of this woman. Then I remembered seeing a very bare CV on three slips of paper. However, I had certainly not made any offer of a position for her at the hotel. I told her that since we were returning to the UK in a couple of days, she was welcome to take a holiday in our apartment and make the most of our swimming pools.

Then the woman’s loud mouth Geordie father came into view – followed by her smiling Afro-Caribbean mother, and a succession of eight or nine small siblings. It was not long before the father started preaching his brand of Christianity to anyone who would listen, and I deeply regretted my offer of accommodation. This woman had not come to work for the hotel, but to spread the Lord’s word through the foghorn mouthpiece of her father.

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Fast yoga teacher performs the plank naked (Rousse)

LM had warned me that her teacher practised ‘fast yoga’. Regardless, I signed up for the open-air class. There were two other newbies, both of whom looked extremely unfit. I’d be fine with some pilates training already under my belt.

As soon as the class started, the regulars started complaining that the three of us had been permitted to join the class.

I was more minded to protest that the teacher had removed all her clothes and was now performing the plank completely naked.

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Kitchen cupboard killer (Rousse)

I could have done with TPR’s help as I hosted a small dinner party. Had he been around,  the guests would have probably eaten at the kitchen dining table (rather than in our bedroom), I would have remembered to serve the sherry, half the chocolate mousse mixture wouldn’t have ended up on the floor, and the washing up would have all been done before we had even sat down to eat.

Disaster struck when RL and another male guest decided that a tall kitchen cupboard crammed with heavy earthenware and cast iron Le Creuset pans would fit into a more ‘convenient’ space against a wall. All that they needed to do was to shave a little wood off its side. As they attempted to do this, the cupboard toppled over and flattened RL. His wife SPL and I looked on in horror.

Was he dead?

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Swimming and a badger hair shaving brush (Rousse)

First I visited my new gym for a swim in the beautiful, calm, quiet pool.

Then, by-passing the card swipe system, I sneaked back into my old gym. The pool here was very crowded. Many swimmers sported tattoos, some even swam naked.

As I dressed in the changing room of my old gym, a woman that I used to know peered over the lockers and handed me a badger hair shaving brush. She hinted that I would have a use for it. I didn’t. I would pass it on to TPR.

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Magpie and Mouse (Belle)

My resident magpie returned from his morning walk leading a mouse on a tiny leash.

I’d never really considered that my pets would want pets of their own and I wasn’t too happy about a mouse moving in. However, within the hour the two were squabbling in the kitchen and the mouse stormed out of the back door. I heaved a sigh of relief.

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A regenerating man in Highland holiday accommodation (Rousse)

Our Highland holiday accommodation was more like a hostel than a hotel, full of young people who signed up for activities each day. I quite fancied joining them on the morning that they floated down the rapids of the nearby river inside enormous rubber rings.

A small proportion of the guests were closer to us in age, and profession. In fact, a few recognised TPR from his working life – and they did not like him. It appeared that they had never forgiven him for causing chaos when he died in the States about a decade earlier.

I was just grateful that he had regenerated after his death and became my husband once more.

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Squirrel zoo escapee helps with hopeless antique car (Rousse)

BM and RG ditched their Morris Minor for a very early black motor car.

They filled their new vehicle with random passengers including a toddler, a sheepdog, and an exotic rare squirrel ‘acquired’ from the zoo.

Whenever they reached a steep bank, everyone – including the animals – had to get out and push.

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Fear of the dentist cured by beans (Rousse)

We returned to our old dental practice, hoping that they would take us back. The elderly dentist ushered us into his premises through the tatty hall (littered with spent tissues and lumps of chewing gum).

At the waiting room counter, he took down our details. While I was happy to wait until December for my next check-up, TPR insisted on the earliest available appointment.

Meanwhile other patients created a queue behind us. They stood in a mound of dried pulses, reputed to calm the nerves.

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A motorbike and tummy sparkles (Rousse)

My last two trips across the city on my motorbike from Merchiston had been fraught with danger. On the first I rode with my eyes closed (I was tired) and could have easily taken out any other road user or pedestrian. On the second I was TPR’s passenger. He disregarded any aspects of the Highway Code that interfered with his journey, such as waiting for the traffic lights to change at busy junctions.

Now I was much safer, travelling by bus with my precious cargo of smart work clothes, including a blue Brenish Tweed jacket and my Christian Lacroix suit. My school friend GT was with me, fully expecting to be asked if she wanted my cast-off clothes. However, she wouldn’t hear such an offer. This was because I was going to wear these clothes with sparkles across my tummy. I just had to find my box of black sequins, which was rolling around somewhere on the floor of the bus.

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Police take out University terrorist cell while Rousse cleans up (Rousse)

Due to my early morning routine of walking the city streets, I witnessed the 6:00am raid on the hall of residence by the canal. The rumour was that the police took out a terrorist cell that was operating out of the University.

On my way home I called in on PhD student JM. A young woman (a girlfriend?!) answered the door. ‘I’ve come to see my brother’, I explained. ‘That’s fine’, she replied as she let me in.

JM’s flat was very busy. It was almost as if a party had been organised and I had been deliberately excluded from it. When I told EH about the raid on the student halls, she burst into tears.

It was soon obvious that the young woman was a long-standing girlfriend. She had put a lot of effort into catering for the guests and I felt (as her quasi sister-in-law) that it was my place to help with the clearing up. The main issue was that she had over-estimated numbers and there was an excess of vegetables to either repurpose or throw out. I offered to take them home to transform into delicious vegetarian dishes to share, and/or to add them to my compost heap.

A Danish boy stood over me while I was washing up. He was just as surprised as me when I said to him in good Norwegian that he ought to help. He obeyed my instruction before I had to chance to practise any further my Nordic language skills.

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