TV crew trapped in Cary Grant’s Bristol dining room (Rousse)

The presenter turned to camera and proudly declared “And this, ladies and gentlemen, is Cary Grant’s dining room”. Out of shot, I fingered the tatty lime green wallpaper and concluded that the flower design dated from the 1950s at the very earliest. By this time Archibald Leach would have already lived in the US for three decades. Once again I had doubts over how authentic our TV series “Famous people of Bristol” would appear to the viewing public. A more immediate problem, however, was how we were going to get out of the room once the filming was complete: there wasn’t a single door or window through which to exit.

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Loss of voice and mind (Rousse)

When I returned to work after a bout of illness I discovered two things. First, builders had demolished all the women’s toilets in my wing. Second, when it was announced that I was off sick, colleagues had queued at KC’s door to ask after my health. This was not because they were concerned for my well-being. Rather they were engaged in a gossip competition and racing to see who would find out first the name of any deadly disease that I might have contracted.

Of course, on this occasion I was only suffering from a prolonged throat infection. However, as far as my mind was concerned, I was definitely losing it. On a recent holiday I could remember hiring the kayaks and paddles, and going back to the car to find my sunglasses before we set off. Equally I recalled returning to the car park afterwards. However, I had no memory whatsoever of being on the water. SY, in a boat with her husband N, suffered the same affliction. When VE told me that she and CM had moved house to the coast of Denmark so that they could have easy access to the water every day I concluded that this would not work for us: I’d lose half my life through lack of recall.

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Belle’s birthday bash

Considering this trip to Stoke was my birthday treat, I seemed to be having quite a lot of work to do. I had to supervise the rehearsals of the trapeze act, buy the train tickets and rearrange the UK train timetable so we could buy stewing steak from the box office and still arrive in Stoke in time for a traditional three o’clock kick-off.

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Dead grandmother finances tricky train travel (Rousse)

I’d over-stretched myself with a busy morning of cycling to the Welsh border combined with talking to strangers along the route, and now it was time to head home to Newcastle. It was only when my family gathered at Waverley station to see me off that I realised that my train ticket was not in my purse, but in a box in the study at the flat. There was no time to go back and fetch it, yet the purchase of a new ticket would cost over £100. This was a figure that I could not afford. When Granny H pulled out her purse and offered to pay, I felt terrible, but my mother urged me to accept her generous offer. Nobody questioned how or why my grandmother had returned from the dead to dish out cash to her favourite grand-daughter.

At our destination there was further confusion. Between us my young step-sister and I managed to leave a small suitcase on the train at Newcastle. As it travelled west on the train towards Carlisle we sought advice from station staff. When the cartoon station master on the poster didn’t respond to my questions I asked a tall policeman called Gil what we could do about our lost suitcase. He suggested that we phone ahead to Carlisle and – if we were lucky – we’d be able to persuade the staff there to put the suitcase to one side for us, rather than blow it up (which was the usual practice for lost belongings at the end of that particular train line).

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Father Christmas explains quantum mechanics (Rousse)

The first guest speaker was an absolute marvel. Anyone would surely struggle to beat that performance.

When GR invited TPR to take to the stage, I really felt for him. He, however, showed no concern. The session began in a rather unconventional way. TPR wandered the room whispering to small groups of students in turn. His only teaching aids was a set of miniature Father Christmas models. Most were china, some were metal, and all could be used to explain quantum mechanics. I admired the show at a distance, all cosy in my red tartan brushed-cotton pyjamas.

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For our first date my new boyfriend Richard took me to a cramped kitchen showroom. I wasn’t impressed by any of the displays. The old-fashioned units, and everyday mess on the counters, were far too realistic for my liking.

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Improvised jazz George Melly style, and a nightie (Belle)

I hadn’t seen Russell for twenty years, and yet he had booked me to play jazz cornet at a corporate bash. The silver instrument had been delivered and I knew I had less that six hours to carry out the biggest bluff of my life. Astonishingly, while all Russell had to do was to play the piano, I was expected to sing as well as improvise an entire set in the style of George Melly.

Even more extraordinary, SH, who I hadn’t seen since school, had her own escort girl. Was this really the girl who once asked me “Do you think you should keep your nightie on on your wedding night?”.

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Family life: a cure for obesity (Rousse)

AD had shrunk into a neat tweed suit worn under a brown overcoat, with the whole outfit topped off by a forest green felt hat. When we found him on Darlington Road he thanked us for the offer of a lift, but said that he would rather catch the bus into town. My companion, clearly worried about AD’s apparent weight loss, remarked that perhaps he needed some food. “That’s what happens when you get lumbered with a wife and three children”, I replied.

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Three in a bed(room) and an unusual pet (Rousse)

What kind of “romantic” hotel squeezes an extra bed into the room, then lets it to an additional guest? This one, apparently. It wasn’t until after breakfast that we met the small dark woman who had spent the night just three inches away from my side of the bed. I asked her how she had slept and was not in the least surprised to hear that she’d suffered a very disturbed night due to our snoring. I certainly wouldn’t choose to share a room with us, and suggested that she complain to the management.

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Puppies were everywhere! In my arms I cradled a tiny white toy poodle bitch, while I debated with a neighbour the breed of what looked like a large Yorkshire terrier at the other side of the room. The long-haired black and tan sweetie was eventually identified as a Lakeland breed. This was such a great photo opportunity, so I asked TPR for the camera. He handed over a compact SLR from the last century which I barely recognised – and had completely forgotten how to use. It took quite a while for me to get everything set up, but eventually I was ready. Then I heard someone mention the terms “vet”, “disease” and “amputation” and spotted my first photographic subject: a fully functioning healthy dog’s head with no body, perched happily on the shoulder of its owner.

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Secrets of the royal bride-to-be (not Kate Middleton, but Rousse)

My royal wedding was just a couple of weeks away. How extraordinary that I had been chosen to marry a prince of the realm (groom as yet unspecified). My school friend AH (now AR) was green with envy. In spite of this she was still kind enough to host my final weekend of freedom. The night before my last solo cycle I slept in a bedroom crammed with yellow flowers and hung with three long cages full of chirping canaries.

The next day I drove through the mountains along the single track roads looking for a village where I could leave the car and continue my journey by bike. As I daydreamed about my possible new husband – Prince Charles, Prince Andrew, Prince Edward or Prince Harry (I heard that William was already taken) – I had no idea that AH had forgotten to load my bike onto the roof of the car.

My eventual destination was Hartlepool. In a cafe overlooking the high cliffs TPR was waiting for me. We stood outside in the cold and watched the surfers in the grey sea below, then enjoyed a quick roll-around in the melting snow. How could I admit to him that the press would soon be full of the news that I was the secret royal bride-to-be?

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Rousse makes her choice from the Scottish Falsetto Sock Puppets, Ruby Wax, and Clive Anderson

At last a taxi stopped in Bruntsfield and three of us jumped into it to shelter from the pouring rain. LM, however, couldn’t face the mess of discarded chicken bones, cold chips and KFC wrappers on the taxi seats and floor. She forfeited the ride to the theatre to catch part two of the Scottish Falsetto Sock Puppet Theatre’s latest show.

In the end I missed the Socks too. I don’t know what happened to KC and the other member of our party, but my eventual destination was Ruby Wax’s house in London, where I was welcomed like a long lost friend. Ruby took me up to the spare bedroom that also served as her studio and I set to work selecting pictures for purchase. Amongst her sketches and paintings I hoped to find a piece of art that referenced Ruby’s friendship with Clive Anderson. On display in my flat, this would serve as a souvenir of my time with Clive on the Isle of Lewis in summer 2004.

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