M is for Manchester (Rousse)

At the meeting in Manchester B outlined a range of duties that I had not before realised were part of my role’s remit. He explained that these were bound to increase as he loosened his connection with work to explore “other interests”. I wondered whether I should show enthusiasm for the opportunities that this offered me, or was someone just taking advantage of me (again)?

Our conversation was interrupted when a contractor arrived carrying enormous multi-coloured acetate slides. Each slide was the dimension of a household door, and I couldn’t imagine the size of the projector that would be required to display them. B seemed very happy with the work completed and asked me to take over from this point onwards.

Then I remembered that I had left my MacBook Air on charge in a hut at Manchester Polytechnic. If I did not hurry to retrieve it, the machine would be stolen, along with all my passwords. With TPR at my side, I dashed out of the meeting, across the marble pavement that indicated the route of the Manchester city motorway that ran silently underground through the centre of town, and over the wasteland to the polytechnic building. I considered inviting PF along, but I didn’t know if he would be in lectures at the University of Manchester that day.

Unfortunately we got lost along the way and ended up driving into the hills of the Peak District along a single track road without any turning places. The further we drove, the more I panicked. My MacBook Air would surely have been stolen by now – and how on earth would I reach B’s meeting in London at 4pm if we were to spend the rest of the afternoon driving in the countryside miles from a mainline railway station?

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Why Diet Coke is bad for you (Rousse)

EH and I plus a couple of others joined the queue at the canteen. My choice of dinner plate was obvious: not the plain white china, nor the bright orange-glazed rough pottery, but the Highland Stoneware Celadon rock pool dish. I filled it with smoked meats. The venison looked especially appetising.

At the table I discussed Throwing sheep in the boardroom with a Danish colleague. I had forgotten that I had lent it to her and couldn’t even remember whether I had read it myself.

Then I fancied a drink. I walked over to the canteen fridges to see what was on offer. Diet Coke was my preferred option, but all I could see was a row of Coke “mix” cans: Coke with beer, Coke with spirits. “That’s interesting,” I thought. “They haven’t marketed these products in the UK – yet.”

A member of staff approached me and I asked whether there was any plain old Diet Coke. “We’ll have some next week”, he replied. This was too late for me because I was due to catch a flight from Denmark to Finland in the next couple of hours. I picked up a bottle of Apfelsaft instead and returned to my table.

All my friends had left without saying goodbye to me! “How rude”, I thought, then checked my watch and realised why they had disappeared. I was running very, very late.

As I ran to the canteen exit I bumped into JH. His plea to me to eat with him was hopeless. If I didn’t leave that very minute, I would surely miss my plane.

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Hugh Grant lookalike cited in affair accusations (Rousse)

I tried to work out why TPR and I were staying in this business hotel by peering at the badges of the other guests. One man appeared to be “the friendliest of the friendly”. This didn’t help, other than suggest that there was a cult in town.

When I discovered the extended family of DM in the hotel room next to ours I wondered whether there was some sort of court case or appeal in process. It appeared that DM had now left her young husband and child, and that I might be to blame. One of the aunties accused me of embarking on a relationship with her niece. This was a ridiculous suggestion. I told this woman so, highlighting the likeness of TPR to Hugh Grant.

I then popped into the bathroom to wash my hair. I suffered a severe shock when I glanced in the mirror: my golden locks had turned raven black, and my forehead had disappeared under a thick fringe. I was unrecognisable, even to myself.

“Don’t worry”, said JLW, who was standing next to me. “Your new look suits you very well.”

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World’s stinkiest cheese (Rousse)

The world’s stinkiest cheese is Andate. From a safe distance I watched as a gleeful TPR unwrapped a wheel of the famous French delicacy.

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A catering nightmare with Ambrosia Devon custard (Rousse)

The house was packed with guests, all of whom expected a pudding after their main course. What would I serve them? I had nothing planned. Then I remembered that we had a few bananas and some Ambrosia Devon custard in cartons in the fridge. If I chopped up the bananas and poured custard over them, this would provide a pudding of sorts.

The only problem was that the custard had gone off in its packaging. The yellow gunge that emerged from the carton was streaked with green mould. It was revolting.

I abandoned all attempts to feed my guests and sat on the pavement outside. Here I wrote my thank you letters. Kev F Sutherland happened to walk past and encouraged me to come to his new run of shows of the Scottish Falsetto Sock Puppet Theatre on the south coast. I was happy to oblige – anything to escape from my catering nightmare.

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BBC sponsors Fife summer fair (Rousse)

Just across the Firth of Forth in Fife a state secondary school hosted an annual summer fair. It was odd that we had never known about this, especially given the BBC sponsorship of the event.

I turned up on the tandem, taking care not to get stuck in the muddy lane leading up to the school. A couple of old ladies latched on to me, then led the way to a beautiful yellow sandy beach. Along the distant shoreline I could see the emergency services putting on demonstrations. What a fun afternoon this would be!

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The cost of milk and kittens (Rousse)

They’d been messing around with our office accommodation again. My temporary desk at the side of an enormous public room was the first port of call for any student enquiries.

The latest question to come my way was ridiculous. A young woman asked “How much do things cost?”

“That very much depends on what kind of “thing” you are talking about”, I replied. “A litre of milk is about £1 at the corner shop. You can probably get a kitten for no cost at all if it’s from an unwanted litter that’s about to be drowned”.

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Beyond the office window (Rousse)

After all the fuss over our new accommodation I was anxious to learn whether I would still merit a sole-occupancy office. We’d all be informed that nothing was guaranteed.

At 01:00am I learnt that my new work space could be found in an old classroom that had been partitioned into four units. My neighbours were SS, JB, and an (as yet) unidentified stranger. I was reasonably pleased with this arrangement.

Best of all was the view from my new office window. Stretching into the distance were rolling hills, and in the foreground a clutch of trees that was turning brown in the autumn sunshine.

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How to write a novel: Rousse explains her strategy to imposter “Dave”

“Dave” claimed that he was a veteran of the Edinburgh Coffee Morning, and old friends with “Andy”. I couldn’t ever remember seeing this Dave at the Friday gatherings before, and on close questioning he couldn’t come up with a surname for his Andy, even though there were plenty of regulars of that name. Yet I still had a feeling that I knew Dave from long ago. Was he perhaps my school friend SA in disguise?

Still curious as to his real identity, I led Dave to the table at Centrotre and introduced him to the others, including my university pal MP and his soon-to-be-wed son SP. I was disappointed that Dave showed little interest in them.

However, Dave listened very intently as I explained that my visits to the coffee morning would soon be less frequent. I confessed that I was giving up my job so that I could pour all my energies into writing a novel.

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Cool accommodation in Edinburgh (Rousse)

Our student accommodation was the best in Edinburgh. SL, ED and I shared a cool open-plan penthouse of pale wood and glass, with its own eight-person indoor jacuzzi bath. Everyone wanted to come and stay with us, including TPR and AC (an Irish girl who I knew from external work events on research methods).

This was in complete contrast with the student union building up the road. In freshers’ week I experienced the filthy state of the toilets, at the cost of 20p per visit. Fortunately I was not obliged to spend long there and instead enjoyed watching Fringe shows on the big screen in a narrow corridor while TPR peered into a maths lecture.

We would have also attended a seminar at the Royal Society off the Strand, but we couldn’t reach London in time.

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