Cooking with puffins (Rousse)

With a change of date for our annual Christmas party, TPR also altered the menu. He replaced the traditional crecy pies with homemade puffin meatballs. I wasn’t sure that many people would be tempted to try them. I for one could not bring myself to taste a delicacy made from such a cute little bird.

Meanwhile I had other things on my mind. I needed to repair TPR’s brown jumper, but our only supplies of wool were blue. I was also in trouble for “ignoring” the friendship of CP and FM.

If you are interested in other puffin recipes, please see A supper of puffin pie (Rousse).

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A life out of control (Rousse)

Could it get much worse? LC had accidentally timetabled me to teach on Mondays (traditionally my research day); nine other people had moved into my (now filthy) office; and I had a class in 10 minutes for which nothing was prepared.

My personal life was also a complete mess too. Now that I no longer had TPR, I was facing the prospect of spending Christmas as a single middle-aged daughter at my parents’ house. It was now urgent that I replace him. (The irony was that I had not yet signed up for Internet dating even though I enthused about it to others.)

The only good news was that AL, who was a first year HND student when I started teaching in 1989, had finally graduated with an honours degree.

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David Mitchell’s ancestors and Rabelais (Rousse)

David Mitchell and I were meant to be studying, but we kept on catching one another’s eye across the library table. As I wondered what it must be like to be married to him (lucky Victoria Coren) I found it very difficult to concentrate on my work. In the end, I abandoned my book and wandered around over to David, put my arms around his neck and asked him to tell me tales of his Scottish ancestors. I was particularly interested in his great-, great-, great-grandfather, the Reverend John Forbes, who served as a minister on the Isle of Skye, and had a rather cruel interest in the sinning parishioners of Sleat.

Of course this lack of attention to my studies had dire consequences. When I returned to the University of Birmingham for my fourth year I missed the Friday 10th submission deadline for my dissertation on Rabelais. I also had nothing ready for teaching any of my own classes on the first Monday of term.

I complained about this to LF as she prepared food for the THS reunion in her caravan. She showed no sympathy: I should have checked the e-mail last week from SR and AA and completed the work as requested.

David Mitchell is a Dreamaticus regular. See him elsewhere in An afternoon with David Mitchell (Rousse); David Mitchell’s photography one-upmanship lands university professor in trouble (Rousse).

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James Corden, Johnny Vegas, and a couple of neglected twins (Rousse)

James Corden – or was it Johnny Vegas? – was the father of my twin baby sons. In our unconventional family set-up he did his best to care for the children while I was at work, but never thought to take them for medical check-ups. Both boys suffered from eczema and it had not occurred to my husband that a trip to the surgery might be a useful way to have the condition diagnosed and treated.

Things went from bad to worse on the day that we played a juggling game with the children. Poor baby Stuart came out of the exercise shrunk flat to the size of a tea saucer.

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Husband leaves wife of 27 years for 18 year old (Rousse)

TPR had been behaving rather strangely of late, and now I knew why. He was leaving me for a slim, glossy dark-haired, 18 year-old sixth former. I tried to show the girl friendship, but in reality I was preparing to kill her. As for TPR himself, I screamed and shouted at him, disgusted at his lies of never-ending love. If he got his way, I’d never see his family again – she would take my place at all the fabulous parties – and I’d been so looking forward to his sister’s 50th birthday celebrations next year!

I couldn’t imagine life on my own. I just hoped that it would not be too long before I found a husband replacement. I had a candidate in mind, but was unsure as to whether or not he would take the bait.

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All eyes on the designer – and not the bride (Rousse)

Normally all eyes would be on the bride, but MSB looked so beautiful in her modest office outfit of vintage-style 1950s hyacinth blue satin underwear (a tape measure in her hand) that on wedding days crowds gathered at the studio window to watch the award-winning designer – and not her clients – in action.

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Barber Bruce Forsyth (Rousse)

Bruce Forsyth ran into the room brandishing a pair of barber’s scissors.

“Would you mind washing your hair in another bathroom love?” he asked. “I’ve got a client in for a hair cut.”

I said that would be fine, picked up my stuff, and headed out of the room. I smiled to myself when Bruce shouted after me “I wonder what will be on the buffet table tonight?” I would never tire of hearing his catchphrase of the 1970s.

The is Bruce Forsyth’s second appearance on Dreamaticus. You’ll also find him in Bruce Forsyth’s competition (Rousse).

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Kidnapped by acrobats (Rousse)

DT, TPR, LA and I met in a crowded bar. DT’s orange messenger-style handbag slipped off the back of the chair onto the floor and I stretched down to pick it up for her. It was at that moment that I noticed the acrobats. In spite of their extremely scruffy appearance, they were obviously professionals with special talents for folding up their bodies like squares of newspaper, and making themselves invisible.

Towards the end of the performance the acrobats passed through the audience. They occasionally stopped to take the hand of a spectator. I was thrilled that one of them invited me to join the chosen few.

“My” acrobat was wearing a rubber monkey mask to hide his identity. He took me miles out of town across a dangerous terrain that included a steep rocky hillside.

At our destination the training began. All those who had been selected were now gathered together to learn the company’s tricks. It was tough, dirty work, and I was extremely grateful to be wearing gloves when I learnt that the first exercise involved being thrown at a wall, feet first.

Then I remembered that I had planned to go running in the morning, and then on to a conference. I needed some sleep beforehand. I begged to be released.

They eventually let me go – but not until they made absolutely certain that I would never remember who they all were.

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Christmas plans 2014 (Rousse)

It was Christmas Eve and all that I had bought for the next day’s celebrations was a frozen turkey. There wasn’t a single carrot or brussel sprout in the house. Tesco would be heaving, and I doubted that the little market up the road would be open. Our unmodernised galley kitchen also added to my woes. How could I possibly cook a decent meal there for K and J?

At least my parents were sorted for the day. They would pop along Kenton Close to see S and S. Although my father’s leg was playing up, they’d still be able to get there by foot – thanks to the Kenton Close moving tarmac road surface.

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Brilliance and sweeties at a Nordic lecture (Rousse)

I didn’t recognised the speaker when she took the stage.

“Who’s that?” I asked GW.

“MH” she replied. “We all used to be terrified of her brilliance, but now we’re quite used to her”.

I settled into my seat to listen to our learned colleague, while munching on the sweets that the Nordic academics passed around the auditorium.

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