Moonlighting dancing girls and tiny high-kicking Koreans (Rousse)

Taking advantage of the coincidental timing of the Edinburgh Festival and Paris Olympics, the hotel proprietor organised pre-dinner entertainment for his guests.

First, a troupe of barely dressed dancing girls weaved their way between the dining room tables. Then a line of miniature Koreans in red costumes high-kicked around the perimeter of the room.

As the performers were preparing for a second round, I asked the dancing girls if I could photograph them. They refused outright. I could only conclude that they were moonlighting.

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Seal shot and skinned (Rousse)

‘Even my vegetarian ex-wife likes it’, boasted my former neighbour AS as he showed me the dead seal that he had just shot and skinned.

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Problematic property purchase prompts panic attack (Rousse)

My sister-in-law SG led us along the drive to the new house.

‘This is the piece of land that caused us so much hassle with the National Trust’ she explained.

We entered the house through the side door. The first room was not a porch as expected, but a lavatory. The door at the other side led straight into a tiny old-fashioned kitchen. ‘Oh dear’, I thought, ‘Why have they invested all their savings in this dump?’

Everyone else squeezed out of the kitchen and past a sofa squashed against the wall to reach the small dining room.  A panic attack suddenly overcame me. SG’s husband A grabbed me by the shoulders and laid me down on the floor.

When I recovered, I made way my through the dining room and into the sitting room. En route I passed SG’s cleaner, nanny, and handyman eating their lunch at the dining room table.

The sitting room was the only one in the house that made any sense. It was a good size with huge windows that looked out to a beautiful corner garden and the mountains beyond. Now I finally saw the attraction of the property.

Then I noticed that my sister J was also in our party. But where was our mother? Wasn’t J supposed to be looking after her?

‘I left her in Merchiston’ she confessed.

That reminded me that I needed to catch a bus to Biggar. As I made my way to the bus stop, I saw my confused mother on the other side of the road looking as if she was trying to spot a bus that would take her into town.

How on earth would our mother manage on her own? My sister J was so neglectful.

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Last minute Christmas party prep (Rousse)

Christmas was suddenly upon us and we had made no preparations whatsoever by the assumed date of our drinks party. Our friends piled round to the house regardless, many early in the day with suitcases expecting to be accommodated overnight.

So now we had a catering crisis on our hands. Would the butcher supply cocktail sausages at such short notice? Did we have enough supplies in the kitchen cupboards to make mince pies and mini quiches? What about the party playlist? What were we to do about the state of the house in general, including the cobwebs on the landing?

I offered to run along the road to the butcher, our guests argued that we should use ready-made pastry, and MC said that he would sort out the music. I would also deal with the housework.

In the meantime I needed to shift the Christmas choir that had taken up residence in our hall.

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Breakfast in the mountains (Rousse)

TPR’s new office was found deep in the mountains. The one café nearby appeared to be perfectly situated for breakfast before work.  Before TPR started his new role, we decided to give it a try.

The proprietor explained:

  1. A full breakfast was offered to construction workers at 6:00am.
  2. A cup of tea could possibly be provided to others from 7:00am.
  3. Full breakfast was back on the menu for everyone at 8:30am.
  4. Any left-overs were given away free of charge at 8:45am.

The proprietor had been forced to adopt this timetable due to the scarcity of staff in the mountains.

TPR concluded that it would be simpler to eat breakfast at home each day before he set off for work.

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News of a Chelsea pensioner (Rousse)

A scruffy man in a ragged soldier’s uniform turned up at our door.

At first I thought that he was wearing a Salvation Army outfit. Then I recognised the insignia of the Chelsea pensioners on his shoulder. He was dressed in the Royal Hospital residents’ everyday ‘Blues’.

Our visitor brought news of my husband’s long-dead grandfather, a one-time fellow resident of the Hospital.

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House clearance woes (Rousse)

We truly believed that our days of house clearance were over. So we were all shocked when my brother-in-law and I unearthed yet more (mainly) junk hidden in an alcove of my childhood home.

My brother-in-law took a fancy to some Japanese watercolours, and I wondered if my maternal grandfather’s walnut desk might fit in our study. However, this was little comfort when we realised that we now faced yet another cycle of clearing, sorting, cataloguing –  and dealing with the auctioneer.

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A non-drinking beer magnate (Rousse)

Everyone was squeezed into a massive circular arena. Some were on theatre seats; a few sat in open-top cars.

The announcer thanked PMF’s beer company for sponsoring the whole event, pointing out that it was curious that PMF was not drinking himself this evening.

I turned round to face Mr and Mrs G seated in their open-top sports car just behind us. ‘That’s your former business partner’s grandson’ I mouthed to them.

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Pilates pain (Rousse)

I walked into the pilates class to find my nemesis sitting on the floor at the back of the room, planning her next move.

She called me out on two counts: for being late (I was not), and my ‘enormous bottom’ (I’d seen larger).

The stand-in instructor immediately spotted the tension between us and marched us out of the studio. ‘She started it!’ I protested. My nemesis was enjoying this.

Not long afterwards the instructor chased after me. After five minutes alone in the company of my nemesis, she understood the problem. She welcomed me back to her class with an apology. My nemesis was banned from pilates forever.

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Graham Robinson identified (Rousse)

A rather handsome man with dark red hair, and smudges of black eyeliner around his eyes, took his place at the end of the table.

‘Well hello there Rousse!’ he smiled with a great degree of familiarity.

‘Here we go again’ I despaired under my breath. ‘Another former student who expects me to remember him’. He smiled and waited.

Then inspiration struck! This was not a former student, but one of the old EdCM crew.

‘You’re Robinson, Graham Robinson, aren’t you?’ I suggested. My response impressed everyone at the table, not least myself.

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