A work affair avoided (Rousse)

A dip into time travel should have reminded my boyfriend of how he had changed over the past couple of years. To see him laughing and joking with his old colleagues only emphasised the dramatic shift in his personality. When he said that he was going away for a while I hoped that he would not return.

Meanwhile my colleague NTX walked into the time travel party in the belief that it was taking place in the here and now. He most curious to find out why he had not been invited to this event.

‘Look over there’, I said. ‘It’s a party from the past. Can’t you see the earlier version of yourself? Look how your hair is not quite so grey’.

NTX returned my kindness with an invitation to follow him along a corridor to a quiet part of the building. I didn’t have time to get dressed so turned up wrapped up in a bed sheet. I had a feeling for what was coming next, and also knew in my heart that my colleague’s intentions were not honourable. Simply put, his wife was no longer interested in him, his rumoured mistress had had enough of waiting for her status to be formally acknowledged, and I was more immediately available. It was also to his advantage that I found him very attractive, even though I knew that the feeling was not mutual.

In the event the thought of the reaction of my depressive boyfriend and possible fall-out at work gave me the courage to resist NTX’s advances. Instead I admired photographs of him of a young man with long red hair. I was also extremely grateful that we took things no further when FSTX passed us in the corridor. Had she spotted us, our careers would have ended there and then.

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A tale of seal spotters (Rousse)

We jumped deep into the cold water of the sea loch. There we played with the seals. They recognised us from our tails.

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Competing at the cloud computing headgear championships (Rousse)

TPR, JM and I were competing at the London Olympia cloud computing headgear championships. It was pretty obvious to me that JM would win with his baby blue mohair beanie.

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Bold in boots and bra under tight-fit trouser suit (Rousse)

I didn’t want to join the party too early so I took my time over my choice of outfit. My sister J walked into the room just as I was putting on a pale blue tight-fit cotton trouser suit with blue suede high-heeled boots. Both she and I agreed that there was nothing in my cupboard suitable to wear under the suit jacket, so I buttoned it up tight and hoped that nobody would notice my white bra underneath. We headed downstairs, leaving JG and others working their way through my wardrobe in an attempt to source suitable party outfits for themselves.

The party itself turned out to be some kind of work convention in Toronto located underneath a shopping mall near to a mini fake French chateau. I found part of the trade floor curtained off for VIPs like me. The first woman to greet me immediately issued an instruction that I head to Gap and buy myself a white scoop neck T shirt. I couldn’t possibly be seen at a professional event in such a state of undress.

I wanted to blame TPR for all this. Had he not left me I would have known what to wear. I left another desperate voicemail message on his phone pleading with him to return to his wife, even though I knew that this was completely out of the question. I had given my best years to him, yet now I was destined to see out the rest of my days as a sad, single, old woman.

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Phil Cunningham plays Edinburgh – to an audience of three (Rousse)

I took my seat in the fourth row of the concert hall and waited alone for Phil Cunningham to take the stage. The lyrics of his first song were displayed on a flip chart a few metres in front of me. I took a few minutes to write them down. As he took a seat next to me, PC mocked me for indulging in the old-fashioned practice of taking notes.

LM then joined us to bring the audience number up to three. My first priority was to ask her all about her move to her Edinburgh New Town flat. However, I was distracted by her hairstyle. Why was she going bald?

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Barbara Windsor’s body hair (Rousse)

Barbara Windsor led the line-up of a dozen semi-naked, middle-aged, dancing ladies well-known for their aversion to body hair.

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A failed burglary (Rousse)

I broke into the house that adjoined that of AT and JT, changed into a flouncy silk trouser suit and discarded my dripping wet tracksuit on the floor.

The woman who caught me was convinced that I was a common burglar, even when I reeled off the names of some of the people that I was pretty sure that she should know. She wanted me out of the house that minute.

I promised to leave, stole a bottle of Cava, and attempted a pathetic exit from a first floor kitchen window into a pit 100 feet below.

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The vengeful chicken (Belle)

It was coming to the end of wild chicken season at the allotment and we were all being encouraged to hunt them.  Although uncomfortable with this ‘sport’, I let myself be convinced that I should dispatch the Head Hen using a poison pellet.

A few days later I discovered the chicken had survived my assasination attempt and had given an interview to Tim Roth in which she named and shamed me and swore vengeance.  I was horrified.  Tim Roth would ensure my name was mud all over social media.

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Christmas present opening preparations (Rousse)

PB was teaching me how to use the Internet effectively when a message box popped up on the screen to announce that my sister was online.

‘But it’s only 08:30am!’ I protested. ‘Why is she awake so early?’

When I went through to the bedroom to ask her face-to-face she explained that she was practising for Christmas Day. She needed to be sure that she would be up and dressed in time to open her presents.

I almost asked her about the massive tattoo that stretched across her torso, but thought better of it.

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Soup honour (Rousse)

I was so famous that they named a bowl of soup after me.

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