Banned from aquafit (Rousse)

Posted on September 15, 2025 by Dreamaticus

I was expelled from my aquafit class for making 16 errors in the morning’s routine.

(I had also worn my outdoor shoes at the poolside – a much greater crime in my books – but nobody seemed to have noticed.)

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Marriage break-up consolation prize (Rousse)

Posted on September 15, 2025 by Dreamaticus

While TPR insisted that our marriage was over, he offered me a consolation prize. From the back seat of the car, he told me that his predecessor ST was currently available.

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Belle becomes a royal bodyguard and is rejected by Ren

Posted on September 10, 2025 by Dreamaticus

I was travelling on the upper deck of a old-fashioned red London bus when I realised two things simultaneously. A teenage Prince William was sitting in a seat in front of me, and we were being sprayed with bullets from outside. I leapt out of my seat and pushed William, head first, onto the floor before throwing myself on top of him. “I’m not even a royalist”, I yelled.

When the danger was over, the bus had turned into a tour bus and I was hugging my favourite musician, Ren. He was really not into this, and I was forced to kiss him on the cheek and retreat.

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Julia Roberts’ best friend (Rousse)

Posted on September 9, 2025 by Dreamaticus

My planned move to the US would be an adventure, although not without regret. I knew, for example, that I would miss the pals that I left behind in the UK.

‘Please don’t worry about us’, actress Julia Roberts assured me. ‘You and I will always remain best friends, wherever you end up’.

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Investing in Walker’s early works (Rousse)

Posted on September 7, 2025 by Dreamaticus

P and SM’s latest holiday adventure was a month long trip to Northumberland via New York, Valencia, and the art galleries of London.

At AF’s request, in London P and SM had bought several small scraps of sugar paper covered in childish scribbles. They had paid a small fortune to the Royal Society for this pile of litter.

Supposedly this was a curated collection of the early works of the now-famous modern artist Walker. AF was only too willing to hand over a large wad of cash for the whole lot.

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Travel to Shetland by helicopter (Rousse)

Posted on September 5, 2025 by Dreamaticus

The twin who worked at the gym, and her sister who was a student at Queen Margaret University, organised the holiday in Shetland.

TPR and I volunteered to fly there by helicopter. At the time we were unaware that this would mean hanging on to the outside of the aircraft rather than travelling seated in the cabin.

Also, before we reached the airport, we underestimated the length of the journey and so did not pack the Scrabble. However, we managed to fashion an operational game of sorts from some old cardboard boxes that we found scattered in the waiting room.

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The end of the affair (Rousse)

Posted on August 30, 2025 by Dreamaticus

As we were approaching the end of a marvellous summer holiday together, I felt that the time was right to bring up the subject of my husband’s mistress.

He couldn’t avoid the subject if I challenged him directly when we were both in the bath together. I complimented his lovely long dark locks and strong muscular body, then told him that I knew that he had a lover.

My husband realised immediately that it would be pointless to respond to my accusation with anything other than the truth. He admitted that he had been sleeping with Alice the vet for several months. They met for secret trysts whenever she had a moment between house calls.

I said that I was not prepared to share my husband any longer, and insisted that he end the affair as soon as we returned home.

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Expelled for missing the bus (Rousse)

Posted on August 28, 2025 by Dreamaticus

It was a huge honour to have been appointed to this high profile expert panel to work with the most senior UK academics and the country’s top civil servants.

After Day 1 of important confidential debate, the chair released us for the evening with strict instructions to return on time in the morning. Anyone who dared to arrive late would be expelled.

I spent the evening at my cousins’ farm in Somerset, happy to take a break after the serious business of the day. The next morning, it felt like therapy to sit on the floor and play with my tiniest relatives.

Then I noticed the time. If I didn’t move quickly, I’d be late for Day 2 of panel work. I raced out of the house and tried the flag down the bus that was just pulling away from the stop.

The mean driver refused to wait for me. In that moment I knew that I was doomed to carry forever the shame of being expelled from the most prestigious role of my career.

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A chaotic evening in Peckham (Belle)

Posted on August 27, 2025 by Dreamaticus

My friend S encouraged me to attend what promised to be a ‘spectacular’ event hosted by the Peckham Society.

Things went wrong immediately when S handed me her phone and told me I was now the official videographer for the evening. However, she refused to give me the code to unlock the phone, so I found myself in an endless loop of walking to where she was sitting, having her enter her code, walking to the front of the stage, finding the phone had locked again, and back around.

The first performer arrived. It was an elderly man weaving on an ancient loom. He explained what he was doing in a foreign language. No translator was provided. Then several dancers took to the stage. It was clear, however, that dance partners were meeting for the first time on stage, there had been no rehearsals and none of them knew how to lindyhop.

The evening dragged on. I hadn’t eaten all day. I started to giggle hysterically and other audience members joined in. I knew I was going to be blamed for this fiasco.

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A bonus bungalow (Rousse)

Posted on August 26, 2025 by Dreamaticus

TPR and I thought that we had bought just one house in the country. Then the estate agent pointed out that the dormer bungalow along the lane was also ours. This would be a great bonus for our guests. If it suited them, they could have the complete privacy whenever they came to stay with us.

RH was our next visitor. After some debate over the location of white cotton bed linen, TPR and I wandered along the road to check whether the bungalow was in a fit state to receive guests.

It was not. The previous owners had not fully cleared the house before the sale. Instead they had left behind hundreds of ugly ornaments on every available surface. With the exception of an angular glug jug, these knick-knacks were not to our tastes at all. But now we faced a dilemma: to take everything to a charity shop, or start selling to collectors on eBay?

The next problem was the upper floor of the bungalow. Of the three internal staircases that appeared to lead there, only one actually did.

There was also an external set of steps and this was teeming with people. Above us we found that the entire top level of the bungalow was used by the locals as a community centre. They were horrified to learn that we – as the new owners of the property – might close down the facility.

It seemed to us that RH would be staying with us in the main house after all.

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