Dot.com heyday reunion party gatecrashed by secret lover (Rousse)

The huge Sun Microsystems Sunrise reunion was hosted in a massive chain hotel in a major US city. It was almost as if the heady days of the dot.com boom had never ended.

My boat was so late docking in port that by the time I reached the venue nearly everyone was already dressed in their DJs and ballgowns, all ready for the no-expense-spared evening of feasting, dancing, and other entertainment. I didn’t have much time to reach my hotel room and get changed. There was also the question of my missing dancing shoes (no replacements found in the antique shop).

After much time wasted trailing the many corridors of the hotel, I realised that I simply couldn’t remember my room number. I found TPR in the same predicament. Together, we found the hotel reception desk. Here we were directed to a rude receptionist bot that did everything it could to dismiss enquiries, even those of the disabled – in this case a cheerful disembodied head in a pushchair. When our time came, I made my responses to her questions so difficult to understand in my English accent, that human agents took over the bot interface. I eventually confirmed my identify by explaining the difficulty of plagiarising final year essays in the UK HE system when assessment strategies are well designed.

Towards the end of our interview with the human version of the receptionist bot, I was told that there was one final question. However, I had to answer it with my husband out of earshot.

‘Do you know Simon Moore?’, she asked.

Of course I did. Moore had been pursuing me for months! It was only then that I realised that he had also booked into the hotel and would be waiting to pounce on me at the first possible moment.

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Louis Theroux’s lover (Rousse)

I helped clear the ornaments from the table. Now that the last green china dog was hidden, nobody would ever suspect that Louis Theroux was having an affair.

I was not the object of Louis’ affections, sadly. Although he listened attentively when I poured my heart out to him, he was never going to fall in love with the likes of me.

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Mystery grapes found in death-trap car in Newcastle (Rousse)

Sandyford Road was almost empty of traffic, most likely due to the pandemic restrictions. This suited me as I drove to my new seconded post at the University of Northumbria. I’d easily make it to the office on time.

Then I took a wrong turn, tried to correct it, drifted back onto the main road into the face of oncoming traffic, and my brakes failed. The car eventually came to a halt in the gutter outside a row of terraced houses.

One of the brightly-coloured terrace doors opened and a man emerged to check the commotion. He was appalled at the state of the car and its contents. He pulled a bunch of solid clear glass (or plastic?) grapes out of the glove compartment. With a quick glance and a grin he declared ‘Aha, SEH!’ then disappeared back into his house once more.

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Face-to-face with the SEB (Rousse)

I maintained my composure when I came face-to-face with the SEB.  She was with a group of women all dressed up for a ball.

I wondered if the others knew her reputation. I guessed not (yet).

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Downward mobiity (Rousse)

CA was going to kill me. We sold our Edinburgh flat (complete with made-over garden) to buy 32 Abbeydale Road, Northfield, Birmingham.

The West Midlands looked very scruffy when compared with Georgian Edinburgh.

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Loch action at Langass Lodge (Rousse)

RG bought a wing of Langass Lodge on North Uist. Here he would spent the rest of his days gazing out of the window of his wood-panelled quarters, checking the action on the loch.

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A marble staircase to the Église Saint-Sulpice, Paris (Rousse)

I agreed to cross the stage at the graduation ceremony as a proxy for LA. This meant that I would go last. This was at the same time as the executive members of the Student Association who failed to complete their degrees, but instead were being honoured for their contributions to the University.

The problem was how to access the McEwan Hall. I was stuck at the top of an old University of Edinburgh building with two options for descending to ground level: a steep, dark, dank staircase or a narrow chute. The staircase would be very hard on my arthritic knees; the chute was unsuitable for someone who was claustrophobic.

When everyone else took one route or another, I was left with a disabled student unsure of our course of action. He eventually spotted a wide set of marble stairs, so we followed these. We walked out into daylight to discover that we were no longer in Edinburgh, but instead outside the Église Saint-Sulpice in Paris.

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Naughty tea time (Rousse)

We were in a huge amount of trouble with L and T. They’d baked cakes and invited us to a tea party in Morningside at 4:30pm on Sunday. We ‘cancelled’ by telephone two hours ten minutes after the appointed time.

We failed to turn up as expected because instead we had spent most of the afternoon chatting to our old friend AW outside Mansfield Church, not far from where she lived as a PhD student in the early 1990s.

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William and Harry join team to clean up and revitalise Leith Docks (Rousse)

As if I didn’t have enough to do, a posse of senior Fellows of the Royal Society of Edinburgh bullied me into leading a task force to clean up and revitalise Leith Docks.

The one saving grace was that I had two volunteers before I even announced the project: the Dukes of Cambridge and Sussex.

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Queue jumping at the museum (Rousse)

When 0ne person pushed into the queue ahead of me to buy her museum ticket, I let it pass. However, I was not prepared to let a second to take advantage of me, so I challenged the next one as she stepped forward.

I expected this elderly woman to apologise and move out of the way. Instead she spouted a vile speech about my selfishness. Apparently she was a former work colleague of mine who had never forgiven for me for stepping down from a role on April 1st one year. Since senior management had not found a replacement for me, she was lumbered with a pile of extra admin. The workload was so great that she was forced to cancel a foreign holiday with her sister, and missed out on a visit to a building with elaborate ‘iced’ ceilings.

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