Cake and a corpse at the bank (Rousse)

I stepped off the bus, annoyed that I hadn’t checked the proximity of the stop to my ultimate destination. Now I had quite a long walk back along the main road.

On the street, I noticed that a delivery of square cakes in a clear plastic bag had blown off the doorstep of the bank. When I made a move to pick up the bag and return it to the doorstep, the bank manager came out of the heavy door. He invited me to help myself to as many cakes as I liked.

Then he asked whether I would like to look at some other objects that were being offered free of charge by the bank. He led me along a corridor to a tiny sitting room at the back of the building. En route, two women pushed past us, heading in the opposite direction. The first was carrying a plastic baby doll, the second a doll’s pram. I wasn’t sure that I would find anything of interest here.

Two disabled women seated in top-of-the-range wheelchairs occupied the sitting room. They didn’t appear to have anything further to give away. Instead they focused their attention on a tall, thin, dark brown, wooden cabinet.

‘Would you like to see the corpse?’ asked one.

Without waiting for my reply, she pulled open the cabinet door to reveal a tiny shrivelled body wrapped in a stained brown shroud. I hoped that this wasn’t meant to be my free gift.

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Advice from Rishi Sunak (Rousse)

Who better to offer advice on personal financial management and setting up domestic CCTV to catch a jewel thief than the UK Prime Minister (and former Chancellor of the Exchequer) Rishi Sunak?

I found him in the unisex toilets at then gym. He was handsome in a crisp white shirt, and a very attentive advisor.

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Strange speech in Corstorphine (Rousse)

I travelled to Corstorphine confident that SM would be able to help me.

A man in overalls reluctantly answered the door. ‘Is SM in?’ I asked politely. ‘Next door’ he replied gruffly, waving his paint brush in the direction of the house to the right.

I crossed the concrete drive and rang the next house’s doorbell. The door opened directly into a room that would normally be used as an open plan sitting and dining room. In this case, however, it looked more like a bedroom. Three couples, dressed in night attire, lay on double mattresses placed directly on the floor. They were all listening intently to a woman who was delivering a very strange speech.

SM was nowhere to be seen. I wanted to ask about her whereabouts, but I felt that it would be rude to interrupt the speaker. While I waited for her to end her piece, I entertained myself by performing my party trick, hanging unsupported in the air above the beds. Two people, now bored, pulled themselves up from their mattresses and left the room

By the time the speech was over, I had developed a thorough dislike for this woman. I was grateful, however, that I was finally permitted to ask about SM. Where was she?

‘Right here!’ said the speaker, identifying herself.

I couldn’t stop myself uttering my thoughts out loud ‘But you give the impression of being such a nice person when online!’

 

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Drug use in forced cult recruitment (Rousse)

When I first fell back into the arms of EH’s husband JH, I felt comforted. Then I saw the syringe attached to my arm.

JH  had sedated me in the first stage of his kidnap plan. The next was forced recruitment into his cult.

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Unlicensed taxi driver axe murderer (Rousse)

I knew that it was risky for us to climb into an unlicensed cab, but banked on my belief in safety in numbers.

After the driver dropped the other couple off at their destination, he turned to ask me and DM to confirm our address.

This was the first time that I had seen his face. His dead expression and empty black eyes shocked me somewhat. The axe that he wielded in his right hand was even more terrifying.

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A return to a simpler time of four TV channels (Rousse)

Principally so that my mother could operate the television, but also to make her feel more at home, TPR switched all our sitting room furniture for mid-century items that he had kept in storage since his grandparents had died. He also placed a baby grand piano between the long radiator and the big sofa.

This was a kind gesture, but how could anyone in 2023 survive on just four television channels?

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Old tech requirements for office Christmas party (Rousse)

EH invited me to her research group’s Christmas party, provided that I would make the meal. I happily agreed, but with one condition: I would need some acetates.

I also took the opportunity to complain to her about the long hours that I had devoted to my work over the course of my career. I referred to entries from my old work diaries as evidence.

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From new born to Mappa Mundi (Rousse)

TPR enjoyed fostering so much that he decided to adopt an eight year-old boy and a toddler. This was a great surprise to me, but I if he were to become a parent late in life, so would I. I selected a baby girl as my new daughter.

TPR was very unhappy with my choice. To get rid of the baby, he pricked her with a pin. All the air expired from her tiny body, then her skin flattened out into a medieval map of the known world.

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Thirty unexpected minutes in Newcastle-upon-Tyne (Rousse)

An announcement came over the tannoy when the train drew into Newcastle Central railway station: ‘Due to circumstances beyond our control, this service will wait here for thirty minutes. Please could all passengers disembark and return after supper.’

By the time that we had prised my elderly mother out of her seat and crossed the road to the cafés and restaurants, the thirty minutes were almost up. We had only walked a short way when TPR suggested that he best return to the train with my mother. In the meantime, I should seek some takeaway food for us all to bring back to our carriage.

Having lost track of time looking for something decent to eat, I needed to ring TPR and tell him that I might not reach the train in time. But I no longer had my mobile phone! Had I lost it, or was it stolen?

I ran down the steps of the grand Victorian town hall in the direction of the station. Half way down, a smartly dressed man popped out of a red telephone box and handed me a small object – the missing mobile phone. Across the screen was some wording to apologise for the earlier theft. This man was a phone pincher with a conscience.

In my hurry to reach the train I mistakenly entered the station by an entrance that was officially closed. Climbing over the makeshift barriers wasted even more valuable time. Would the train leave without me?

As if in answer to this question, two members of LNER staff stepped forward on the platform to welcome me back to Newcastle Central station with a glass of chilled white wine. They then escorted me to the waiting carriage.

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Pregnant widow was not carrying deceased husband’s child (Rousse)

While I was at the bar at the other side of the pub, CA struck up a conversation with the single woman at the table seated next to her.

‘How kind to chat to somebody on their own’ I thought – until I recognised CA’s new friend as X, the widow of my late colleague Y. This could be awkward.

When I returned to our table X was explaining to CA that the death of Y risked an already difficult pregnancy. I wondered whether she would also include the detail that the father of the baby (now a grown woman) was not the deceased?

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