A Portobello prison – with magnificent sea views (Rousse)

Posted on November 5, 2023 by Dreamaticus

PB was renting a second floor flat in Portobello with the most magnificent sea views. I took him across the road one day to point out Berwick Law and the Bass Rock in the distance, and to introduce him to the gannets and their feeding habits.

When I checked my watch, I saw that I was running horribly late. I needed to get back into town quickly, but I was barefoot and my red Mary Jane shoes were still in PB’s rented flat.

I grabbed PB’s keys, crossed the road, pushed open the unlocked main door, and climbed the stairs to the second floor. The key ring was very full, but I soon picked out the key for the front door.

I reckoned that I could have found the right key blindfold. After all, it was not that long ago that my cruel lover held me captive in this building, taunting me daily with a key that he believed that I would never dare use to regain my freedom.

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Queue karaoke at the Edinburgh Breastival (Rousse)

Posted on November 5, 2023 by Dreamaticus

PMF was desperate to perform at the Edinburgh Fringe, but it was now far too late to secure a show entry in this summer’s programme.

‘Here’s an idea’, I suggested. ‘”Queue karaoke” could be the top performance of the Fringe! All you need to do is print off lyric sheets, distribute these amongst audience members stuck in queues at the larger venues, and encourage everyone to join you in song. You could pass a bucket around to collect your ‘ticket sales’ immediately afterwards.

‘Better still, you could donate all your proceeds to Cancer Research UK, while branding your performance as the single show of the “Edinburgh Breastival” .

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Return to handsome Redcar (Rousse)

Posted on November 4, 2023 by Dreamaticus

I shoved the shopping list into TPR’s hand and said that I would meet him at Tesco. Then I jumped on the train.

Settled in the carriage, I was enjoying the company of my former colleagues AT, JB, and MG when I realised that the train had been travelling for some time without calling into any stations en route. My heart sank when the others explained that this was the non-stop service to Redcar. Poor TPR would be stuck in Tesco without me!

The single positive outcome of my mistake was the opportunity to pay a return visit to the handsome Georgian seaside town. Here I admired the white-painted townhouses and shops on the wide high street.

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Alan Turing back from the dead? (Rousse)

Posted on November 4, 2023 by Dreamaticus

EH was convinced that her husband had met Alan Turing at the 2023 AI safety summit at Bletchley Park.

I wasn’t so sure, not least because Turing had been dead for almost 70 years.

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An insane love (Rousse)

Posted on October 30, 2023 by Dreamaticus

Now there were three men in my life:

  1. My husband, who barely tolerated me.
  2. My stunningly handsome, wealthy, on-off lover, who resembled Jonah Hauer-King crossed with a young Hugh Grant.
  3. A friendly, tubby Irish lad in his twenties, who was almost certainly still a virgin.

Following a disastrous night with Number 3, I was desperate to reunite with Number 2. This was despite knowing that Number 2’s mental health had worsened in the time that he wasted hanging around his ‘cool’ set with friends with ridiculous names (e.g. ‘Bunny’).

When I found Number 3 in Dumfries and Galloway, I confessed to him my undying love. He responded that he and I had no future due to his insanity.

I replied that his state of mind only made me love him more. I was prepared to give up everything to move to south west Scotland to look after him. I also claimed that my husband would be glad to join us in our future life together. This was a huge lie: my husband would be furious at such a prospect.

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Edinburgh to Australia via Perth in a House of Bruar cashmere coat (Rousse)

Posted on October 28, 2023 by Dreamaticus

The long haul flight took an interesting route.

Its first stop after leaving Edinburgh was the city of Perth, 32 miles north of the Scottish capital. The plane travelled here by road, and collected extra passengers from the High Street. Then it took to the air to reach Kuala Lumpur. Its final destination was somewhere in Australia, but this didn’t interest me because I was only travelling as far as Malaysia.

I happily boarded the flight at Edinburgh and was delighted when a friendly woman wearing the same navy House of Bruar cashmere overcoat as me took the seat to my right. We were actually the only passengers in seats; all the Malaysians preferred to lie on the floor.

Everything started to fall apart after I disembarked at KL and realised that I should have carried hand luggage only. Meanwhile my big suitcase was on its way to Australia in the plane’s hold.

Added to this, when I was reunited with TPR he appeared to have suffered a nervous breakdown. He embarrassed himself in front of a huge audience unable to finish the first sentence of his speech that began ‘My career in the computer industry…’

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David Beckham’s affair and an athletic hairy beast (Rousse)

Posted on October 26, 2023 by Dreamaticus

David Beckham and I snuggled up together in bed. We hadn’t known each other very long, and were still married to our spouses, so our relationship was a very special secret.

Our game was up on the afternoon that three giggling teenage girls managed to snap photos of us wrapped around one another. It wasn’t long before their blurry iPhone pictures were all over the media.

My students thought it hysterical that their dull lecturer was involved with an international super-star. Such was their amusement that they ordered multiple cardboard cut-outs of a mostly naked Beckham to line the steps up to the main library. My fear was that their prank would generate even more press coverage of our illicit liaison.

Meanwhile Beckham’s latest television ad campaign was about to go live. This drew on the Greek belief that eating the flesh of one creature gave you its powers. In this case, the advert was based on a dozy sheep that grazed lazily on Beckham’s torso, then suddenly bounded across the screen, transformed into an athletic hairy beast.

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The princess and the pee (Rousse)

Posted on October 24, 2023 by Dreamaticus

I should have followed my instincts and refused to allow my colleague to bring his puppy to our meeting, but I didn’t. So now everyone – myself included – was focused on the cute little dog instead of our business.

It was just my luck that when it was my turn to pet her, the puppy chose this moment to demonstrate that she was not yet toilet trained.

Thankfully Catherine, Princess of Wales was seated just far enough away to avoid a soaking.

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Superior smoked salmon (Rousse)

Posted on October 23, 2023 by Dreamaticus

The melt-in-the-mouth smoked salmon was of the best quality.

What else would you expect from top caterer, the British Library?

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Cat food and shameful northern roots (Rousse)

Posted on October 22, 2023 by Dreamaticus

‘Cat food! You need to do more investigations into cat food!’ screeched the scruffy man as the smart black Citizens Advice limo drove past him.

‘And bitcoin too’, muttered my friend JT as she sat down next to me. She looked so glamorous these days with her glossy dark bob. The shedding of a couple of stone also contributed much to her refined new look.

Just as we began our catch-up over coffee, another elegant woman walked over to our table. It soon became obvious that she was also a friend of JT so I introduced myself, and began to explain that JT were childhood friends who grew up together Stockton-on-Tees.

JT interrupted me with a sharp nudge. I quickly understood that she did not want her shameful up-bringing in the deprived North East of the 1970s to become common knowledge amongst her posh new southern friends.

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