Tributes to the O level and the horror movie Carrie (Rousse)

Posted on May 15, 2011 by Dreamaticus

I had never appreciated just how resource-hungry exam invigilation could be. In this instance two of us were responsible for watching over MG as she tackled the 1979 English language O level paper (even though she was already a graduate of QM). It would have been very easy to cheat with the three of us sitting together so closely and nobody else in the room to observe us. However, we were professional to the end, and I entertained myself by admiring the dinky exam stationery and accoutrements. The exam paper itself came in a beautiful blue-bound booklet, about the size of a US passport, and students were supplied with squares of old-fashioned correction tape in case of grammatical emergency.

Afterwards JH gathered all the QM staff together to celebrate the end of the academic year with an impromptu drinks party, complete with Champagne. Here we planned our next social gathering. I was quite shocked at the suggestion, but was eventually persuaded of the fun we would all have re-enacting the horror movie Carrie.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Belle bluffs about kids’ TV

Posted on May 14, 2011 by Dreamaticus

My new job was to act as an expert on a children’s cultural movement. It seemed that a TV programme about the manager of a boys’ football team was now must-see viewing and I was expected to interpret this phenomenon to MPs and on national TV. I tried to bluff by using the phrase “pedagological expert” but stumbled over the big word. I put too many ‘gogs’ into it.

Every time the lift door closed someone outside pressed the button and the lift doors opened again. More people wanted to squeeze in and I felt myself getting both panicked and cross. I screamed at a woman, “stop pressing that button and wait for another lift. I am claustrophobic”. Astonished at my own assertiveness, I was even more amazed when she did as she was told, only to call the lift again as soon as the doors closed.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Good enough for Sting and Trudie, Jeremy and Sinéad, and even the Queen – but not good enough for Rousse

Posted on May 14, 2011 by Dreamaticus

When I signed up for a “small celebration” I didn’t expect a whole week away on a cruise ship. However, such was the excitement amongst the female colleagues who had organised it that I felt that I couldn’t back out. What sold it to them was a single holiday snap taken by a mutual friend. It showed Sting, Trudie Styler, Jeremy Irons and Sinéad Cusack sunbathing on a private deck of the same liner onto which we were all now booked. I wasn’t quite so impressed. Indeed what interested and concerned me most were the dodgy reports on TripAdvisor.

Unfortunately all my fears were realised. The ship was absolutely filthy, and kitchen “hygiene” unbelievable. The toilet facilities and food preparation area were in the same room, where the catering staff worked at floor level. My enquiry about food safety procedures was initially met with a blank look, then reassurance came that the chicken pieces were “always cooked for 12 hours”. There were so few staff that the passengers spent much of the day queuing for food. In some respects this didn’t matter because there really was nothing to do on the boat other than wish that you weren’t there. I tried to do some work, but it was too noisy (mainly teenagers singing with the skill of X Factor contestants from the early rounds), and then my iPad got wet when I swam with it in a bag on my back in one of the pools.

The only enjoyable aspect of the whole experience came when PC and I were summoned to cabin 56 for afternoon tea to chat about one of our research projects. Very slim, and looking a good decade younger than her 85 years, Queen Elizabeth II exhibited an astonishing familiarity with our work.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Hugh Bonneville stars in Dreamaticus (Belle)

Posted on May 13, 2011 by Dreamaticus

Dreamaticus was now a successful TV programme. The viewing figures kept rising and the director had signed up famous actors to re-enact ‘the dream of the week’.

This week Rousse’s dream starred Hugh Bonneville playing Roddy McDowall playing Galen (Planet of the Apes) playing a Jane Austen-esque hero.

Every element of the dream was being recreated to Rousse’s exact specifications, and there was an intense discussion about the fireplace and the linoleum.

As I watched the filming I wondered why Rousse dreamt about Galen so often. Wasn’t this the second time this week? Then I admired Mr Bonneville’s acting. Somehow he seemed to make me see beyond the Galen mask and straight into Georgian England.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Fish and lamb (Rousse)

Posted on May 13, 2011 by Dreamaticus

P and SM had secretly amassed a vast collection of enormous glug jugs, now displayed with pride in their sitting room. Some hung from from hooks, and the rest were arranged higgledy piggledy on a high shelf. I particularly admired the pink one styled as a salmon, and another where an old-fashioned Coke bottle had been fashioned into the the fins of the fish to give the impression that the fish itself was taking a drink. TPR was itching to climb up to the shelf and set everything straight, but just at the moment that he announced that he would do this the ceiling fell in from above us. We all ran upstairs to check the damage. Under a dusty red oriental rug we discovered a huge hole that looked down to the sitting room below. I wasn’t terribly interested. I was more concerned with P’s earlier revelation that all the glug jugs on display downstairs had been bought in Hexham. Why hadn’t my parents spotted them first and bought them for me?

On another occasion we were heading north for a holiday on Orkney. Apart from his boy racer style of driving, our friend NS was the perfect travelling companion. Not only was he a fan of Radio 4, but he also tolerated the Archers. As darkness fell we stopped off at a visitor centre for our evening meal. We also looked around the shop and it was here that I had a fantastic business idea: fossil jigsaws! Meanwhile TPR was told off by the shop assistant for playing with the squeaky plastic pocket money toys. Apparently only students were permitted to do this. Back in the car again, we almost had an accident on a bend in the road where people had gathered to watch sheep die. We parked the car safely nearby and joined the crowd. I was horrified when NS stepped forward with a mallet and started bashing one of the sheep. Then I guessed that he was hastening the poor beast’s death, hoping to soon put it out of its misery. I couldn’t have been further from the truth. This was all part of an ancient Yorkshire lambing ritual. Five minutes later NS delivered a baby lamb from a now healthy mother, and he was the hero of the hour.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Rousse hangs on to her turquoise trapezium handbag and reports a crime

Posted on May 12, 2011 by Dreamaticus

All I wanted was some peace and quiet at home in my pyjamas when the doorbell rang and a whole family of cleaners marched into the hall. It would have been rude to refuse them entry so while they all worked I rushed around making tea and conversation. There was much to discuss about the flooding from the upstairs flat. Then I discovered that I hadn’t actually been on my own earlier that day. All this time my colleague JB had been hidden away in the study, supposedly marking, but secretly coveting the turquoise trapezium handbag that hung on the back of the door.

Later out on the street JB and I witnessed a drive-by motorcyclist gunman taking shots at pedestrians. We ran into the police station to report the crime. Our basic description of the assailant’s skinny body, patchy facial hair and scruffy clothing was really good, and we would have been willing to share more details. However, the police on duty were much more interested in collecting personal information about us rather than any criminal.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Rousse discovers a detective and a naughty little girl

Posted on May 11, 2011 by Dreamaticus

The scenario was familiar. I was sitting at the table of yet another dreadful meeting listening to grey-haired men say nothing of substance.

When I finally grabbed a fleeting opportunity to speak the Chair nodded wisely, but only for a few seconds. Then he launched into an explanation of the relevance of bell curves to social informatics as a preface to a long, irrelevant tale about a book manuscript that was stolen from Oxford and eventually rediscovered in France. Our Chair boasted of his skills as an international literary crime-fighter and the Oxford don’s equivalent of the sonic screwdriver. Brain-power and a small pink torch were the main resources deployed to locate the stolen goods.

A woman on the other side of the table actually looked impressed. When I raised my eyebrow in question to Belle she whispered in reply that the stranger was a BBC arts correspondent. We both reached for our iPhones to see if we could find out the woman’s name.

Meanwhile my friends were showing off their two babies at home in Leith. The little girl looked the picture of innocence, but I knew that she was nipping her baby brother on the sly.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Rousse despairs at the reluctant chef and gives up on the mini

Posted on May 10, 2011 by Dreamaticus

I was participating in some sort of cookery competition where the challenge was to create a delicious three course meal from a random set of ingredients. I looked at the root ginger, spices, tomatoes, bananas, pineapples and the lone tin of custard on the kitchen table and realised that this would be quite an easy task for an experienced cook such as me. Unfortunately my 15-year old partner was useless. I thought that she would at least show some interest, especially since she was a fan of curry. Instead she just stared silently at the ingredients and expected me to do all the work.

=====

Mme D had left Auvergne to run a big English estate. I arrived at the house just as the event was starting. I helped myself to a plateful of parma ham and struck up a conversation with SM, who was there on his own because PM was too tired to come out after a night on call.

In an outbuilding further down the drive it was rumoured that my parents were examining pictures and antiques. I set off to find them (perhaps to boycott any possible purchases) and it was there that I stumbled across the real party, which was heaving with family members, running club pals, and school friends.

Then I looked down at my outfit and realised that I was completely inappropriately dressed. I decided to get changed. After trying on lots of clothes I ended up in pink silk tunic top that was meant to be worn as mini dress, but looked better on me over a chiffon split skirt. Now aged 48, I was finally beginning to learn how to dress more modestly.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

London at speed and bonus kittens (Belle)

Posted on May 9, 2011 by Dreamaticus

We were on board a modern white coach for a ‘London by night’ tour. The driver was negotiating the winding streets at breakneck speed and the city was reduced to blurred streaming bright lights.

Meanwhile, it was kitten season. Tiny little kittens, the size of mice and wearing small red and blue collars, were running down the library steps and causing chaos. I promised to get the library on the list of top ten tourist attractions.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Gywneth Paltrow and Chris Martin discuss kids’ future against the changing backdrop of the Outer Hebrides (Rousse)

Posted on May 9, 2011 by Dreamaticus

For a change we travelled to the guest house across the mountains on foot. This was quite a departure from our usual means of transport, normally tandem over the single-track roads. As the route became steeper and steeper we marvelled at the post vans that overtook us on the dirt tracks, as well as the enormous inflatable that floated over the peaks above us. The latter was shaped as a fighter jet, and attracted the attention of every walker following the upward path. When we eventually reached the summit we expected to find a plateau with a steady road leading back down the other side into Timsgarry. Instead we found ourselves poised on a knife-edge ridge. Beneath it was a vast rocky bowl of a valley barely visible through the swirling mist. A young man commented that his girlfriend nearly died of fright when she looked down below, and I replied that I understood why.

Somehow we made it down to the village, although it took a while to find the guest house. RG had sold BnC and moved into larger premises that were easier to manage. We were appalled to discover that there was a television in our room and that all meals were optional. The next day we were in for an even greater shock. The whole Uig area had been identified as a holiday hotspot and a number of oil barons had moved in to build huge Moorish-style bungalows that now dotted the coastline. There was even an Ibis hotel, and it was here that we took our breakfast, along with CO.

Meanwhile holiday-makers Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin were agonising over the future of their children Apple and Moses.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment