David Cameron’s seven-pack centrefold – plus numerous other adventures, including one at Buckingham Palace (Rousse)

At first I was thrilled to be resident at Buckingham Palace. However, I hadn’t understood that once welcomed in, there was little prospect of getting out. I begged the security staff to show me the exit, explaining how much I missed TPR, but it seemed that they would not budge. I was doomed to live out my days with the royal family.

I must have escaped somehow because next we were out on our bikes with KT and JH, plus a few friends from our running club. We had the whole day to play with and eventually agreed that a ride along the causeway to Holy Island and Lindisfarne Castle would be fun. It was only when we were heading back to load the bikes onto the cars that four of us remembered simultaneously that we were meant to be travelling to Harris from Uig (Skye) that day. By now, however, we had missed the ferry and had no prospect of ever reaching our holiday destination.

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Another morning I found Belle dozing in a tiny single bed on the left hand size of an immense dormitory. As I squeezed in next to her she greeted me with the full-blown account of her latest dream set in Dorset. She was desperate to give me all the details before she forgot them herself.

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Back at work we were late for the meeting (but still there before my boss arrived). This was because I stopped on the way to the hall to show DT my latest girl geek-themed video. A further delay was caused when I stopped to scold a man smoking a cigarette indoors on the stairs. In the meeting room I found two more smokers. This was outrageous! CO told me to calm down: the smokers were probably part of some modern art installation.

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I opened the discarded Daily Mail. The feature headline read “David Cameron: our first seven-pack Prime Minister”. The whole article was directed at Cameron’s seven year-old daughter “Caroline” (in reality Nancy) urging her to persuade her father to pose as a magazine centre-fold. It argued that since he would not be remembered for his political achievements, he might as well be remembered for his impressive torso.

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Lulu and Morrissey in surprising duet (Belle)

I was attempting to leave the function before the self congratulatory speeches when a global star of flamenco unexpectedly leapt onto the dancefloor. I was delighted until 250 overweight members of the public followed behind her. Then the spotlight illuminated Lulu as she began to belt out a number and then Morrissey joined in. When they finished, Tony Bennett appeared, sporting a suspiciously black moustache. This was turning into the best night ever!

Later I was the runner for an BBC antiques programme. The two presenters were given just £35 to buy antiques to sell for a profit. I encouraged one of them to sell the ‘Edwardian letter sorter’ that the rules of the game were kept in along with some ‘rave’ glow sticks so he could increase his profits. I was later revealed as a cheat and told I had ruined the programme.

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Rousse withdraws her favours and is instructed to vote

Once again I was stuck in a lift, this time with a bunch of French engineering students from Nantes. The lift was formed in two parts shaped as a figure of eight. It only offered access to floors 16 and 18, which was extremely inconvenient because my room was on the fifth floor. It was rather disappointing that nobody cared that I would be left in lift limbo.

Later on I checked the handouts that I had put aside for each of the engineers. Given their lack on interest in me in the lift I decided to keep the welcome cards out for them, but remove the individual presents (such as the shiny silver whistles) and the birthday cards. It was lucky that I hadn’t found time to write the birthday cards beforehand. Now I could just recycle them. I packed the wee presents into a black nylon zipped bag. As I put them away I planned their future as possible stocking fillers or home-made cracker insides at Christmas.

Meanwhile my colleague JB was charging around the place telling everyone that the biggest priority was voting. I thought that at this time of year it could only be marking.

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Peppa Pig, toast, and extreme sports in the Hebrides (Rousse)

The grande finale of the Canadian delegation’s visit to Scotland was a massive dinner and ceilidh in Edinburgh. Conversation was so animated at my table that I broke three pairs of glasses while entertaining my own Canadian cousins. After three weeks together we got on brilliantly. The only issue that we did not agree on was religion but, up to this point, none of us had mentioned their membership of the strange Christian sect. Somehow the conversation moved on to same-sex relationships and the visitors budged uncomfortably in their seats. “We’ve never even seen a single gay person, let alone met a couple” announced one. I had to put her right. After three weeks in our company, and seemingly without realising it, they had become acquainted with lots of our gay friends. However, before I got the chance to say anything, the conversation was interrupted by an announcement that a video would be displayed. This short film, starring Peppa Pig on location in Stockton-on-Tees, explained the steps of ceilidh dancing. Once again I was delighted that Stockton had popped up unexpectedly in my life.

Another day I visited my parents. Their latest obsession appeared to be toast. The downstairs rooms were littered with toast racks, some full and some empty. Open jam-jars and discarded plates lay everywhere. This would take some time to tidy up.

Meanwhile the latest craze on the Isle of Skye was grass sledging. The concept was quite simple: get a fertiliser bag, find a slope and sledge. The real interest lay in the extreme version of the sport along the cliff edges of Waternish.

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Gordon Brown in the background while Rousse begs bags for belongings

Ugh – teenagers! I was helping two young friends pack up their university accommodation at the end of term. They were hopeless, unable to decide what to keep and what to throw away, virtually inert while I did all the work for them. Quite soon we ran out of bags to hold their belongings so I was obliged to go outside and beg assistance from a stranger. Eventually I identified Danish man from Liverpool carrying a picnic in a Tesco carrier bag. This would do! As soon as I reported back that he was friendly and apparently single another friend rushed across to introduce herself to him.

Later I headed off to the massive warehouse to rescue the tiny children. If they remained trapped they would transform into fairies and evaporate. It was really difficult to get them to understand the urgency, and I ended up losing a couple. They sprouted wings and spiralled into space.

Back at the gym I was becoming more and more irritated by the personal trainer, in particular her fake tan, fake American accent and fake boobs. I settled down at an on old-fashioned weights machine, discovered that I had no idea how it worked, so opted for a wee snooze instead.

In the middle of all this Belle and I ignored Gordon Brown – but doesn’t everyone these days?

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Sex, money and Green and Black chocolate: Rousse ponders some moral dilemmas

It was a terrible moral dilemma. Not only were we the only ones who knew where the terrorists were holding the hostage, but it was also within our means to save him. I had already written out the cheque for £5,500. All I needed to do now was wrap it round the bar of Green and Black chocolate, seal the envelope, and pop the package into the post. Our action would lead to the victim’s release (hurrah!), but the terrorists would still be at large – and have a fresh injection of funding from us. We hesitated.

Meanwhile I was keeping a separate secret from TPR. Since the heady days of dot.com boom I had been enjoying an illicit romantic relationship with one of his engineer colleagues. Although we had always known our boundaries, it was inevitable that soon we would give into temptation and cross them. Perhaps instead we should confess all to our partners?

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Grace van Cutsem at the Royal Wedding: Rousse sets the record straight

There was stiff competition from Princess Beatrice’s hat and Pippa Middleton’s bottom. However, for many, three-year-old bridesmaid Grace Van Cutsem stole the show at the Royal Wedding by frowning in frustration when Prince William kissed the new Duchess of Cambridge on the Buckingham Palace balcony.

What the world did not see, however, was how much happier Grace was at the reception later that afternoon. Here she was free to run around the marquee like any “normal” toddler at a family wedding. At one point Princess Anne picked her up for a cuddle and carried her over to the Queen. Grace grinned widely, as did her Majesty. Then the little girl leant forward and stroked the Queen’s face.

Of course these images would never make it into Hello magazine. I was extremely lucky to observe it all as William and Kate’s secret guest.

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Pests and pets (Rousse)

The same bunch of kids had been clambering over the walls at the back of our building for weeks, each time in more daring exploits. Last time they dropped down into our garden and ran across the lawn. Today they sat still on the grass long enough for me to photograph them. Their wide grins indicated that they enjoyed the attention. They had no idea that the photos would be taken straight to the police station so that the little vandals could be identified, arrested and charged.

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As I was loaded the photos to the computer in the study I remembered that I had forgotten to unpack the creatures that we had collected on our last holiday. Would they have survived so long without food? I needn’t have worried. Although he looked a little pale, our dinosaur lizard-snake was still alive. I led him like an enormous pet dog through the house and out to the back garden so that he could feast on the freshly-mown grass cuttings.

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Hugh Bonneville hugs Belle

My new boyfriend, Hugh Bonneville, lived in a big stately home that was open to the public. As we walked around the house curators kept pointing out which way to go. Didn’t they recognise him as the owner of this house, I wondered? Hugh managed to walk around the house and spoon me simultaneously. What a guy!

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Rousse exiled

It would be impossible to measure our sense of shame, but now we had some idea of what it must have felt like to be exiled from the community in ancient times. Our mistake had been to overestimate the extent of an invitation of one set of friends, and to underestimate the greed of others.

The story begins when AH and CS moved house to be much closer to us. Uncharacteristically they seemed very keen to make new friends quickly and asked us to invite as many people as possible round to their flat. Obedient as ever, we soon rounded up a big crowd including the F family, my sister J (her hair dyed dark chestnut), her kids, and her kids’ partying teenage friends (many of whom we did not know). Unfortunately the guests took quite literally the request to make themselves at home. Many bagged beds for the night, and some even smoked indoors. TPR took some convincing at first, but I knew pretty soon that this was not what A and C had intended. I persuaded him that we would have to turn everyone out and try and get the house back in order before A and C returned home from work.

Just as we sent the last person packing we came across a little girl with dark hair dressed in her school uniform. I recognised her as LF, aged about 10 or 11. When I asked her what she was doing there she confessed that she wasn’t really meant to tell us, but since we asked, she was willing to reveal that a court injunction had been served and we were no longer welcome in town. The police would soon be on site to handcuff and take us away.

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