Nelson Mandela a surprise breakfast guest (Belle)

Posted on August 27, 2011 by Dreamaticus

It wasn’t clear who my breakfast guests were at first. They had arrived via speedboat from the other side of the bay and were wrapped up in full-length, hooded, fake leopardskin gowns. Only when they removed their hoods did I realise that, despite being the last to leave the party the night before, Nelson Mandela, and his wife were visiting us again.

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Beckham crisis for HRH Queen Elizabeth II (Rousse)

Posted on August 25, 2011 by Dreamaticus

It was a constitutional crisis. The Queen herself conveyed the disappointing news to a bewildered nation: contrary to popular belief, David and Victoria Beckham were not legally married.

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Number 26 bus to the rescue (Rousse)

Posted on August 24, 2011 by Dreamaticus

I went out drinking with TPR and his former colleague LC. They got so drunk that I was forced to confiscate LC’s car keys and shove the pair of them on the number 26 bus to get them home safely.

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Morecombe and Wise not funny: it’s official (Rousse)

Posted on August 23, 2011 by Dreamaticus

As we walked along the seafront Eric Morecombe and I analysed classic British comedy series. I managed to express how some simply were not funny, cleverly avoiding mention of how much I disliked Morecombe and Wise.

Later I was back on duty at the communal garden and laundrette. Someone had been stealing from the washing powder supply again.

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Royal Liverpool Insurance diversifies into the holiday market (Rousse)

Posted on August 23, 2011 by Dreamaticus

The Royal Liverpool Insurance Company offers genteel holiday accommodation in Scarborough, especially favoured by trades union officials.

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Desert island discs and Rousse’s knickers

Posted on August 22, 2011 by Dreamaticus

1000 tracks had been assembled in response to my idea for a student Desert Island Discs evening. AJ’s pal Richard did most of the work, seeing this as an opportunity for raising his profile in readiness for an application for a full-time lecturing post.

Unfortunately a succession of technical hiccups meant that the show in the large lecture theatre didn’t get underway until 06:10, and this proved extremely inconvenient to me three hours later when I had to start an exam in the adjoining room. When I went through to complain about the noise someone grabbed me, hauled me up high into the rafters of the lecture theatre, then dropped me head-first into the audience below.

By some miracle I head-planted into a midnight blue velvet turban and did not break my neck. However, I was extremely embarrassed when my pink cotton skirt fell forward to reveal to all my silky black knickers.

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Jordan heart attack scare (Rousse)

Posted on August 22, 2011 by Dreamaticus

Katie Price (aka Jordan) worked as a member of my house clearance swat team. On this day we faced our biggest challenge yet: a secret mission to my parents’ house where we would sort out all their belongings. The actual job, however, was not the problem. I cautioned Katie “For goodness sake, please do not reveal to my father who you were in your previous career”. I feared that he would instantly die of a heart attack if he learnt that he had Jordan in his house.

Read about Katie Price’s other antics on Dreamaticus:

  • Ramon Marquez stars as Jordan in birthday biopic (Rousse)
  • Jordan spotted “snogging” mystery hunk (Rousse)
  • Katie Price’s (aka Jordan) career on the conference circuit, and a life of crime in Australia (Rousse)
  • Katie Price hunts for husband number 8 (Rousse)
  • Katie Price returns to work as earnings drop (Rousse)
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    Julian Sands – ‘lady doctor’ (Belle)

    Posted on August 22, 2011 by Dreamaticus

    I visited, my gynaecologist, Julian Sands.

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    Scottish Falsetto Sock Puppet Theatre to solve all our problems (Rousse)

    Posted on August 21, 2011 by Dreamaticus

    Kev F Sutherland was living the Edinburgh Fringe dream. He hadn’t been to bed following his Scottish Falsetto Sock Puppet Theatre show performance the previous night, yet he was still wide awake, chatting amiably to his fans from a spot on the floor to the left of Granny H’s Hexham sitting room fireplace. I listened from the knobbly green sofa, squashed against the right hand arm-rest, dressed only in a thin white towel. Kev enthused about his latest Socks sketch. His wee pals would work as agony aunts to Fringe audience members. Given my painful teenage experience of listening to Radio Tees’ Time to talk series in the 1970s, I urged Kev to think again. Wouldn’t it be funnier for the Socks to offer a holiday advice line instead?

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    A new job in football, the Tardis and a night with Harrison Ford (Belle)

    Posted on August 21, 2011 by Dreamaticus

    I was working for, and living in the same house as, the owner of Huddersfield Football Club. She asked me to help her work on her latest idea – the creation of an ‘eco-cartoon’ for the younger fan-base. Despite having absolutely no experience in this field, I was the ideal candidate.

    Later, at a weekend party in which one of our friends lived in a blow up Tardis, I found myself spending the night with Harrison Ford. Although it was a rather disappointing experience (I caught him watching TV half way through) I wasted no time at all in telling everyone about my conquest the next morning. A former colleague flew in from New Zealand and was astonished to see I was expecting a baby. Shamefaced, I had to admit that I was simply fat but I HAD slept with Harrison Ford.

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