Regrets of Mrs Harry Potter (Rousse)

Posted on September 26, 2011 by Dreamaticus

Although I was now immensely rich, the downside of life as Mrs Harry Potter was the complete loss of privacy following our marriage.

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Cornwall via Northampton International (Belle)

Posted on September 26, 2011 by Dreamaticus

As I looked into the bay, I saw an EasyJet plane parked alongside a few outbuildings. I asked my guide what I was looking at and she said, “oh, that’s Northampton International Airport”.

Things had really changed around here – not least the aquisition of a coast line for a previously land-locked county. The profile of Northamptonshire had never been higher. At the Girl Guides camp the Guides were playing an animated version of ‘Cornwall or Northampton?’. As a game show host showed picture flash cards of scenic views the crowd had to correctly call out whether the picture had been taken in Cornwall – or Northampton.

Later I joined the Guides for a circuit on the spinning water ride. Sitting in a buoyant wooden ring I spun round the circuit but was dismayed to find that my ring took me on a short cut and I finished the ride too quickly. My sister, who had also been disappointed, snuck onto the ride again. Once again, I wished I was less honest.

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Nicky Campbell and graphic design with a message (Belle)

Posted on September 25, 2011 by Dreamaticus

Radio broadcaster Nicky Campbell arranged for me to meet his ex-wife, who lived in the Outer Hebrides. I was furious to discover that I had to travel by plane, while he went on a roll-on-roll-off ferry. This meant I arrived hours ahead of him and had to wait at the port for his arrival. Eventually he introduced me to his former spouse who told me excitedly “I use make-up to express the uncertainty of the world’s economy”. I looked through her portfolio and realised she may have said “make-up” but meant to say “graphic design”. I was particularly taken with the orange and red designs that looked like chemical warning announcements but said things like ‘warning: toxic asset’ and ‘dangerous bank bonus’.

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The “sad camel” look in Grantham (Rousse)

Posted on September 25, 2011 by Dreamaticus

My grandmother returned from the dead for a day trip to Grantham by train. I was delighted to see her after almost two decades. However, my happiness turned to horror when we approached an outdoor jumble sale and I spotted amongst the odds and ends on the table a selection of my granny’s finest beige clothing. How would she react when she discovered that, in the twenty-first century, her signature “sad camel” look could be found amongst outdoor junk in a provincial northern town.

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Rousse ponders a possible abuse of LinkedIn

Posted on September 25, 2011 by Dreamaticus

Surely this was an abuse of LinkedIn? The whole purpose of the site was to display connections between trusted contacts. If BF was correct, and EM and the American woman with the Greek name really didn’t rate me, then why would they share their contacts in this way? More to the point, what about the invitations to speak at the events that they had organised? If I was such a lightweight, what were they doing putting me on a conference podium?

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Fleeing to Finland (Rousse)

Posted on September 25, 2011 by Dreamaticus

Everyone was determined to move more than 1000 miles from the UK to a better life in Scandinavia. Such was the obsession of my colleague from the British Library that she had applied to register as a researcher at the Academy of Finland. As for me, my plan was simply to emigrate to Turku. This choice was based on two main factors: Turku is a town not far from sites of archaeological interest, and runs a tram system that actually operates.

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Cat fashion up a tower block (Rousse)

Posted on September 24, 2011 by Dreamaticus

The small black furry corpse spilled out of my green leather handbag onto the floor of E’s office high up the new tower block. To my shame I had completely forgotten that the poor creature had been in there. I could not recall when I’d tidied the living cat away into my handbag, nor when I last gave it anything to eat or drink. As a cover I came up with some story that a tumour had killed kitty. However I knew the truth: the death was entirely due to my neglect.

In compete contrast E’s own cat was a picture of health. Although a hairless breed, E had somehow coaxed the creature to grow a fluffy white coat. To add a bit of colour its body was now decorated at regular intervals with a few long strands of purple wool-like hair. With her own hair dyed in an identical hue, E and her cat were the epitome of the “pet-owner” fashion ensemble.

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Cruising with the poets (Belle)

Posted on September 24, 2011 by Dreamaticus

So far, the cruise had visited New York (during shore leave a friend helped me filch a nerdy Open University sound effects LP from New York Public Library) and now we were in India. Rather disappointingly, the view was a car park in Shoreditch although black pythons and crocodiles were roaming over the cracked concrete. Meanwhile, three poets were introducing each other’s work in a rather cringeworthy lovey-fest. Only Simon Armitage was coming out of this event well.

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New York (in)conveniences (Belle)

Posted on September 23, 2011 by Dreamaticus

I was disheartened to find that the New York Cathedral was little more than a flea market, selling tacky religious icons and badly designed and poorly executed ‘stained glass paperweights’. To make matters worse, I discovered ‘toilet sharing’ was the church’s response to tough economic times.

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Poaching students in pyjamas (Rousse)

Posted on September 22, 2011 by Dreamaticus

Croissant with coffee by Brendan MacNeill

Croissant with coffee by Brendan MacNeill

“Baking croissants in class does not represent advanced study at Honours level” was my justification for transferring the two students from the rival institution into my own. It also has to be said that they begged me to take them on. Their arrival actually gave me something to do. This made a welcome change from my lazy routine of lounging in the office, dressed in my purple fleece jim-jams, listening in on my room-mate’s conversations in Chinese.

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