Dreamaticus

I knew that it was too good to be true, but this didn’t stop my enjoying the company of my long-dead aunt, uncle and grandmother when I stumbled across them living happily together in a small house on the edge of the secret military airbase next to Edinburgh airport. It was also comforting to know that although he wasn’t with us in person on this occasion, BT (also dead several years) was spending the day out drinking in town with my (very much alive) friend JH.

My relations all looked fabulous, especially my aunt. All slim and fit, she was just back from the dentist who had issued her with clean bill of dental health. Granny dressed daringly in a baggy Kate Middleton-themed royal wedding souvenir “Frankie says” T shirt. The over-sized white lettering on navy blue shouted “Call me Kate!”

What puzzled VJ, KT and I as visitors was the quantity of children milling about the house. I only knew three boy cousins, but here there were at least another eight younger siblings. I cornered one and asked how many there were in total. “We don’t know” came the reply, “Mummy just says that we are now full”. The stress of looking after everyone may have accounted for my aunt’s lunchtime habit of diluting her tomato juice with a pint of red wine. I didn’t blame her and – as she pointed out herself – her little treat would not harm anyone else.

It turned out that one of my newly identified cousins was school teacher. I discovered this when I asked about the two large screens in the sitting room. One of the younger boys explained that his elder sister Lesley used them to access to the national Scottish teachers’ network. He then taught me how to hack into it. I wondered who thought up the system’s sorry name of “Gloom”.

This was not the only technology that puzzled me: more was found in the toilets. When I popped out to use the facilities at the airbase I noticed that everything was adapted for the special needs of athletes and military personnel. I had no idea that plumbing could be so sophisticated.