Mark Radcliffe missing, Stuart Maconie scared (Rousse)

Mark Radcliffe popped out of the studio, so I took advantage of his absence for a private chat with Stuart Maconie. After some preliminary small talk about preferences for co-hosted shows, I got down to the business of my complaint. Why had they agreed to move their evening Radio 2 show to afternoons on 6 Music? Didn’t they know that this had ruined my nightly routine of e-mail shovelling? It just wasn’t the same sending spam to trash while listening to documentaries on Radio 4.

Stuart failed to address my concerns. Instead he became increasingly agitated because it looked like Mark might not come back. Fifteen minutes passed and Mark was still out on the streets of Salford. What an opportunity! I offered to take Mark’s place at the microphone. The underlying fear was clear in Stuart’s simple reply to my suggestion: “I don’t think so”, he croaked warily.

See Stuart Maconie elsewhere on Dreamaticus in Bonding with Radcliffe and Maconie over the Farmer’s Boys and the BBC (Rousse); Stuart Maconie radio chef (Rousse)

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Steampunk society’s harsh rule (Belle)

This new, steampunk world seemed to have passed me by even though we were already in season five. I had read the listings in Radio Times and was astonished to see that one of the characters was campaigning in real life for UKSG against ‘click per view’.

I was in the crowds travelling on up escalators to the stadium. On another escalator a man was wearing a home-made cardboard castle on his head. Concerned that I stood out from the crowd, I asked a friend for advice. I discovered it was a considered a major offence to repeat yourself in this world. “But what do we DO?” I asked. “Oh, we diminish things”, she told me.

For some reason this was the funniest thing I had heard and I found myself laughing and repeating it. I had already broken the rules.

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Business idea stolen (Belle)

I was upset to discover that someone had created a commercial success out of MY business idea. The creative naming of lipsticks had long been a hobby of mine, but to discover that ‘Tiger Tail Orange’ and ‘Leopard Love’ were now bestselling colours was demoralising to say the least.

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Walking in Glencoe bereft of map and boots, but with Take That (Rousse)

I was the reluctant leader of a small running club expedition to Glencoe. Unqualified for the role, I was making a complete mess of it. First, we arrived far too late in the afternoon to tackle any of the interesting routes. Then, when checking to see which climb would be achievable in the time available, I discovered that the brand new Ordnance Survey map that I’d just received from Amazon was useless. It presented a full-scale atlas of the world on one side and a chart of British myths and legends on the other. “I’ll put it away for our niece F when she’s a bit older”, I remarked to TPR.

While the others hung around waiting for me to make a decision on where we were heading, their conversation deteriorated to discussions of the perennial quest for a suitable boyfriend in Edinburgh. The latest tales of woe centred on the theme of being stood up. As the anecdotes piled up they became more and more outrageous. The ultimate was a supposedly true tale where the man had chosen to die quietly rather than meet his date.

Meanwhile I realised that I’d forgotten something else for our day out: my walking boots. Fortunately I knew that I had my trainers somewhere, but I was somewhat embarrassed to get them out. I’d laced a music chip into the left shoe and was pretty certain that a Take That track was playing. I wasn’t entirely sure that I wanted to share my dodgy musical tastes with everyone.

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Dancing bear imposter (Rousse)

The famous dancing bear lived in a plush apartment on the eight floor of a brand new tower block, above a branch of Boots the Chemist. I knew this because he belonged to my friends J and GC.

I almost didn’t make it on the day of my planned visit to see this extraordinary animal. First of all an old friend and I were distracted by the 1970s photo booth in Boots. We spent far too long trying to recreate the crazy black and white images of our teenage years. Then I realised that I didn’t have J and G’s phone number on me and had no way of letting them know that we were in the building. Thankfully, the kind staff in Boots were able to contact G somehow and he came down to meet us then lead us back up the building to the flat.

The dancing bear already had quite an audience, including my mother who was trying to video his antics. He stood on his hind legs and jigged gently, with his right “arm” stretched out and pointing to a begging bowl at his feet. He was a very entertaining act, but I wondered if I was the only one to spot that this was not a bear, but just a very big, well-trained, dog?

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A doomed flight from Japan (Rousse)

Flight by Brendan MacNeill

Flight by Brendan MacNeill

This was my second trip to the far east in a fortnight and, once again, I was astonished at the rudeness of the local population. I’d barely arrived in Japan and already airport staff had launched an enquiry into the quantity of luggage that I intended to fly home. This was not the best of starts to the long-anticipated incentive holiday.

After a short fierce argument over two small pieces of hand luggage (that could be collapsed into one, if necessary) I was released and allowed to travel on to the hotel. There I joined TPR’s colleagues and their “significant others”. But where was TPR? Apparently he had been allocated accommodation elsewhere, doomed to the equivalent experience of this holiday in 1994 (“Rome from a coach”).

It was several days before TPR reached my hotel. On arrival he dumped two big boards that declared him a rowing champion, grabbed my wrist, charged past our pal DJ, and pulled me onto the plane parked next to the main hotel swimming pool. This was some escape! Unfortunately, since neither of us had any piloting experience, our trip was very short-lived. I couldn’t be certain, but it looked like we only flew from the hotel back to the airport, and how we even managed this I had no idea. Of course now we would be in much deeper trouble with the airport authorities – regardless of baggage allowances – and unless we came up with a very good explanation for our actions, TPR would almost certainly be sacked.

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Snow, socks and sex (Rousse)

I rang the editor of Library and Information Science Research from a lone bus shelter on a snowy football pitch in the middle of winter as the sun set. Two strangers listened in.

Then I joined in a themed event where everyone had to wear old running socks.

If the above were not enough entertainment for one day, DT, TPR and I spent many happy hours peering out of the window of our high rise flat observing the antics of our neighbours. They really should have drawn the curtains…

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Alan Garner time travels (Belle)

Alan Garner came to visit me in my childhood. We sat in a Morris Minor on a hot, hot day. My legs stuck to the car seat.

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Traffic terror on the A1 and a reunion with the Spice Girls (Rousse)

The traffic on the A1 north of Newcastle was blocked solid. The only way you could now join the carriageway was to first reverse up the ramp, then continue along the hard shoulder backwards until you found a suitable spot to squeeze into the main queue heading south. This was a Saturday afternoon and we wondered just how dangerous it must be in the rush hour during the week.

I was the passenger as TPR tested out the terrifying technique. At one point he almost took out a cyclist, who was saved only by his quick action of leaping from his bike into the adjacent field. Once in the main queue of traffic we didn’t stay in our car long. An accident ahead had forced everyone out of their vehicles and we had to do the same. As we trudged along the road past the newly-dug graves there was nothing to do other than join in the chorus of the Deacon Blue songs along with everyone else.

Later on I met up with the Spice Girls. It was wonderful to be in their company again. The difference between their millionaire lifestyles and mine had no bearing on our friendship. Victoria Beckham even turned to me for fashion advice.

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Rousse offers advice on Gaelic, Java and T shirt printing

Everyone was seeking my advice on their artistic endeavours. First my boss asked my opinion of her latest magazine column. I had absolutely nothing to say about the content. It was composed in Gaelic and I couldn’t understand a word of it. I did, however, venture the criticism that the tiny typeface was barely legible.

Then I was approached by OM, who was making printed T shirts for the students. He’d got as far as the basic design, but needed some witty wording to stretch across the back. “How about a coded message in Java?” I suggested. Then I remembered that I had come across a whole web page of computing-related one-liners in the summer. I couldn’t remember the URL, but I knew someone who would have kept a record of it. I set off to find my mother. Although completely preoccupied with a hen weekend for one of her best friends, she confirmed that she had the web address somewhere in her Hotmail. Indeed, she had it on paper too – because, as might be expected, she lovingly prints out every e-mail message that I ever send to her.

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