Illegal clown disrupts travel plans (Rousse)

We’d waited two hours at Digbeth coach station in Birmingham and still the 22:00 service to Edinburgh was not ready to depart. The tannoy announced that it would now leave at 02:00. This was far too late for us, so it looked like we would have to travel north in TPR’s old black Astra GTE after all.

Just before we set off I asked the station staff what had caused the delay to the bus. I expected an explanation that would refer to the lateness of the incoming service (or similar). The actual reason was that the driver had come into work dressed in a sequinned costume with long pointy shoes. They’d been forced to send him home again because it’s against the law to drive a bus if you’re dressed as a clown.

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Rousse messes up version control

As I settled into my seat to listen to the first speaker I caught a glimpse of the conference programme. It looked so much more colourful and detailed than the version that Belle and I had sent to the print room. This one included references to sessions in Vienna, possible alternative speakers, and even presented some of the text in strike-out. Then the full horror of my error hit me: I’d sent the wrong version for copying to the print room!

I muttered my mistake to the person seated to the right of me: my running pal LF. She quickly considered her priorities for the day, then replied: “Does that mean that there won’t be duck à l’orange at the conference dinner?”

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Lamb stew, jelly sweets and a yellow makeover (Belle)

Although about to fly out to Missouri to give a lecture, I was hopelessly underprepared. I was trying to pack, even as Dame Maggie Smith had the hotel staff move all my possessions to the room next to her. This confusion meant I now had two of everything in my room, including two boxes of Meltis jelly sweets. I was also cooking a lamb stew, which I was meant to be taking to my American hosts, although I forgot this detail and ate the lot.

Meanwhile my sister ‘did my make-up’. This involved her brushing yellow powder over my forehead. It now seemed likely that I would not be allowed into the US because I looked so ill.

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Russell Brand? No, Russell Grant (Belle)

Russell Grant’s costume was one of the most daring ever seen on Strictly Come Dancing. His underpants had been embroidered in sparkling lurex columns ‘Vote Russell’.

While the crowd applauded I called out to someone in the kitchen. “Come and see what Russell Brand is wearing” and immediately realised my mistake.

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Rousse escapes the timetable but gets trapped by her past

A timetabling mix-up meant that it was now up to me to entertain the final year students for two hours. I rummaged in the box of handouts that I had taken to the last class in the desperate hope that I’d discover an unused exercise. There was no suitable material: how on earth would I entertain them for the rest of the morning?

How fortunate then that one of the older students appeared at my door with an escape plan. He announced that he was taking me on a trip, and soon we were speeding through the damp autumn lanes in his open-top sports cars. Dodging the waist-height cables of the West Sussex Electricity Company strewn across the road at random intervals added to the fun of the ride.

At our final destination of Looe, Cornwall I asked my companion his age. When he said that he was 23 and leant down to kiss me I knew that he was lying. However, I didn’t have long to consider this because just then I felt a sharp poke of pain in my ribs delivered from behind. GG, TPR’s first year hall of residence room-mate, had witnessed everything. “Do you have to snog all your students?” he enquired.

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Security enforcement with Charlie Drake and sliding with Suggs (Belle)

Thirty years after I did it the first time, I was now moving into my hall of residence. This time round I was at ‘a Northern University’ but had no idea which one. When I lay on my single bed, I realised I could look down five floors all the way to the wooden jetty. Vertigo! Looking up at me was a group of people sitting in a boat, beckoning me to join them. Convinced this was a case of mistaken identity, I thought it would be more considerate of me to clear the fire escapes of all my unpacked cardboard boxes.

After tidying up, I went downstairs and saw RA standing with his back to me. He turned to look at me, smiled and gathered me in his arms for a long kiss. I tried to ignore the looks I got from fellow students. He was FAR too good looking for me.

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I was in a nightclub in Jamaica. The walls were mirrored and I spotted a man taking a bottle of rum and putting it into his jacket. I realised that I was in charge of security, along with Charlie Drake. We apprehended the man, removed the rum and even managed to send the thief away with a smile. We were a great team.

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Later, in another dream, I told Suggs about my dream about Charlie Drake. As we clicked on Charlie Drake’s Wikipedia entry we were astonished to discover that he had dictated the entry on his deathbed. It was his dying wish that not one word be changed.

Suggs and I sat in the back of a cab in Berlin. I was astonished to discover that the Olympic ice-rink had been built with a right of way for taxis. Twice we sped across the ice even as couples danced in front of the crowds.

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What to not wear (anywhere) (Rousse)

All week LM had been wandering the gym floor in her fitness instructor uniform. Now that it was Saturday morning she had changed into a full length taffeta ball gown. The dress was embarrassingly vile. Its ballooning peach skirt was topped with a burgundy bodice with shawl combo. LM explained that she was wearing the dress in the gym to practise her moves as a bridesmaid for a wedding that afternoon. I didn’t dare ask who created this hideous outfit, but I was sure that MSB would have much to say about it.

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Sex change surgery marriage trap (Rousse)

Tall, slim, out-going, blonde and beautiful, Sharon would someday make someone a lovely wife. As far as I was concerned, however, the time was not now. In addition, when the happy day eventually came, I expected that her groom would be a good, straight man.

So why was this woman introducing me to all her friends and family as her fiancé, while dropping private hints about my forthcoming sex change? We barely knew one another, and the thought of surgery terrified me. Didn’t she know that there was no way I could consider living with someone when I hadn’t even confirmed that the potential partner shared my neatness obsession?

In complete misery, then, I arranged a secret rendez-vous at Loch Lomond with TPR. I was hopeful that he could rescue me from this terrible marriage-with-surgery trap. Perhaps he would marry me instead? When he revealed that he was leaving the country for a new job in Italy I knew all was lost. I stumbled in shock, and slid all the way down the grassy bank to the water.

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A surprising new role (Belle)

This new entrepreneurial venture had taken me unawares. Was I really a landlady of this seaside bed and breakfast operation? Who had decorated the place with net curtains and rich red velvets? And since when had I taken up smoking?

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A day out with Ian Rankin (Rousse)

I was unsure why I was entertaining Ian Rankin at my kitchen table, but it had to happen eventually. I’d been (unintentionally) stalking him in Edinburgh for years, or – as I often joked – he’d been stalking me. Plonked next to him I summoned up the courage to ask if he enjoyed the Uncaged Monkeys at the EICC in May, or the Band of Joy gig at the Usher Hall a year ago. (I managed to contain myself and refrain from boasting that we had better seats than him at the latter, and met Robert Plant, Marco Giovino and the other band members at the after-show party.) Ian seemed to like me and rewarded my witty banter with a chaste wet kiss on the cheek. I quickly wiped it away, blushing modestly, yet secretly delighted.

Afterwards we went for a walk to Portobello, hoping to discover the beautiful park that everyone admired. All we found, however, was a bare coastal path that led to a large shopping mall. When we asked a passer-by for directions I was surprised that he showed no recognition of one of the most famous faces in town. Still we couldn’t find the park so instead we admired the Japanese mountains across the Forth, while discussing @Beathhigh’s Twitter conversations with our mutual friend DT.

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