Dreamaticus

There was just enough time before the service to make a quick dash to the communal toilet block. My sister S and I took our places side-by-side on the wooden bench, more than a little self-conscious in the company of complete strangers. Was Newcastle City Council really obliged to provide Roman-style public latrines just to meet the needs of tourists visiting Hadrian’s Wall?

We then slipped into the church. It was packed with mourners, and I counted myself lucky to find a front pew seat next to my parents. I sat down, switched off my phones, and watched the panel of celebrants take their own places facing the congregation. When they put on their glove puppets, everyone else took this as a signal to do the same. I’d forgotten to bring mine, but it didn’t matter. I was more interested in which character would lead the proceedings. When it was revealed that Basil Brush would be in charge I was beside myself with excitement.

The sole low-point of the ceremony came when I realised that I had forgotten to tell my boss that I would miss this week’s meeting in favour of the funeral. I felt a flash of guilt about my presentation on social media strategy, but it could wait. Otherwise I enjoyed the whole morning. The audience participation was at times hysterical, and I could see how the presentation on techniques for carving a memorial stone bust of your departed loved one might one day come in useful.

Afterwards my mother and I set off by foot across the Scottish highlands to the Outer Hebrides. By the time we reached our destination it was the height of summer. The sun was high, the skies blue, and the sea temperature tropical. We bathed in the waves, and then it was time to set off home again. It was another long walk so we were extremely grateful when a foreign taxi driver on the outskirts of Fort William offered to drive us to Oban. From there we could take the train back to Edinburgh. I worried that we could not afford the fare, but, on the basis of the price he quoted, we happily hopped in. £6 to travel 45 miles was an absolute bargain.