French flood wipes out village (Rousse)

My mother and I lived in a log cabin in the upper section of a rural French village. During the day she worked in the cinema further down the valley, quite close to the river and the lake. My daily routine involved travelling to Inverary to write journal articles with my co-authors RA, GW and SK, and a young man whose contributions were very much appreciated.

I often wondered what would happen if a sudden surge of meltwater from the mountains ever hit the upper reaches of the river. Would the valley flood? What would become of the lower section of the village?

On the day that my ponderings turned to reality I was extremely grateful to be safe at home in the log cabin. I watched in awe and horror as a huge tsunami came tumbling down the mountains.

However, my escape was not without its difficulties. I lost my mother, and the flood cut me off from most of the rest of the world. I was left with just my four Dutch neighbours for company, and none of us had any food. In addition, some essential items – such as my wallet, iPhone and camera – were in Inverary, so I had no ID or money.

When we five survivors eventually came across an information desk where we could ask for help we struck another problem. My French was so poor that I didn’t have the vocabulary to explain our situation and beg for help.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Two unwanted pregnancies and an unwelcome underwater trip (Rousse)

This was terrifying news. A friend who took fortress-style contraceptive measures, and another who was years past the menopause, had both fallen pregnant. Was it catching? Would I be next?

I hoped not. I had enough troubles of my own for the time being. Only that morning I had already fallen down the lavatory (someone had left the lid up) and knocked out half my upper row of teeth.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Nick Hewer waves off candidate for china restoration and robot building roles (Rousse)

I grabbed my iPhone and camera and made a dash to board the ferry back to the mainland. When Nick Hewer (Lord’s Sugar’s advisor on The Apprentice) told me that I had left my pink notebook behind I said to leave it. I wouldn’t need that where I was heading.

I was surprised at the number of Chinese people who disembarked the incoming service. The latest tourist marketing campaign had clearly taken effect.

Once on board the boat I regretted not wearing a cardigan. Clad so inappropriately for an outdoor crossing on the open sea, it was a very uncomfortable journey.

When I eventually reached the mainland JK explained why she had summoned me. Without my knowledge she had responded to two calls for research proposals on my behalf, and both had been successful. Despite my poor hearing I gradually made out that the first project required me to restore an antique china tea service. The other – for someone called Horace who worked in health sciences – was to transform a life-size jointed wooden artist’s model into a fully-functional robot with operational limbs. The purpose of the latter was to create a near-human dummy on which the students could practise massage therapies.

Without question, both projects were beyond my capabilities. I therefore made up an excuse about being late for my shift as a technical support engineer at Apple. Then I left before they could come up with any further madcap plans for my employment.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

When massage therapy goes wrong (Rousse)

TPR laughed at me from the other end of the treatment table while my friend tried her best to keep a straight face. Then fitness trainer SS appeared from nowhere and attempted to clamber up on to the table and join me. I winced when I saw that she had her two boys and husband in tow. If they climbed up too, the table would collapse.

I had thought that a massage would relax me. Now I knew that I was wrong.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Sarah Jessica Parker picks Belle’s pocket

I had sourced a rare, early version of a clothes peg doll.  Although only three inches tall, its remarkable resemblance to Sarah Jessica Parker (SJP) meant it was both highly collectable and extremely valuable.

As I walked down the street, a large smoky windowed limousine pulled up alongside me and SJP herself stepped out and rushed over to me.  She embraced me, felt in my pocket, pulled out the doll which was wrapped in delicate tissue paper, and ran off thanking me for the generous ‘gift’.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Beware underwater gypsy robbers (Rousse)

It was a rare sight: hotel guests bathing in the sea long into the evening on the Isle of Lewis. All that spoilt the peace was the permanent threat of underwater gypsy robbers.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Home Counties versus the Hebrides (Rousse)

ED and I travelled to the misty isle and arrived under three fabulous rainbows. “These are almost as beautiful as the ones I saw in Haslemere” she remarked.

I found it hard to believe that the rainbows of the Home Counties could ever rival the magnificence of those on almost permanent display in the Hebrides.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Where Formula 1 and potatoes don’t quite fit (Rousse)

I seemed to be unfairly treated in comparison with the others who had adopted the commune’s medieval lifestyle. For example, I was the last to be served my cabbage ration, and a rude woman wouldn’t let me use the upstairs lavatory.

Then I began to question the authenticity of the whole set-up. How could potatoes be counted as a staple of the community’s diet when they were not known in Europe until the second half of the sixteenth century? More to the point, how come JM was allowed to have his iPhone out on display and was now happily downloading the latest Formula 1 app in front of everyone?

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Spiderwoman student adds to academic’s workload woes (Rousse)

I needed to speak urgently to PhD student S. I could see her out of the window from my office in the tower block on campus. I called out to her and she said that she would come up straight away.

What I didn’t anticipate was that she would scale the external brickwork of the building rather than use the internal stairs. This was a brave feat given that she was in crutches only 6 months ago.

This was also an unwise decision on S’s part because it added even more to my hideous workload. Did I really have the requisite carpentry skills to dismantle the window pane from its wooden frame so that S could squeeze her body through the gap once she reached my floor? Why couldn’t she just use the stairs like everyone else?

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Harry Potter and the Black Knight (Rousse)

My husband Harry Potter raged when he heard that I was having an affair with the evil black knight. On his way to complain about my behaviour to my father, he tried to mow me down at the side of the road in his red Fiat Stilo. What he didn’t appreciate was that the black knight had kidnapped me against my wishes and – so far – I had resisted his evil will.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment