Supermarket staff sample new Yazoo milkshake range: chilled coffee (Rousse)

The manager at the meat counter was clearly appalled to hear his colleague K tease one of his best customers (me) for her absent-mindedness. When she then asked me to fetch her a frozen banana-flavoured Yazoo drink from the chilled drinks section of the supermarket, he had no choice but to intervene.

Everything made sense when we explained to him that K knew me quite well from her second job, that we were good friends on Facebook, and I was perfectly happy to buy her a milkshake drink.

In the event they had run out of banana Yazoos, so K got to sample the new chilled coffee range instead.

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Pot plant neglect penalty (Rousse)

MI slammed the study door, then thumped along the hall to my bedroom, a thunderous look scored across her face. “You let my plants DIE!” she howled.

She was right. I had completely forgotten about the three pots of weedy stalks that she had asked me to look after. She was furious at the discovery of the yellowing leaves in dried-out soil.

MI stomped around the flat in a complete rage, then settled in my bedroom for the grande finale of her temper tantrum: kicking in the bathroom wall.

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An unaccompanied visit to New York’s Robertson Library (Rousse)

I agreed to meet the others at the same patisserie where we had enjoyed breakfast earlier in the day. A round of cakes would set us up nicely prior to catching our flight back to the UK after this US trip to celebrate the GCSE results of AF and her friend LA. In the meantime, I wanted to visit the Robertson Public Library, installed on the top floor of one of New York’s tallest skyscrapers.

Even after a week in the city I was still unused to the American attitude to small change. At the foot of the escalator that led up to the library I found – once again – piles of discarded coins, and even a couple of ten dollar bills. I set about collecting up the cash for later use. I thought nobody would notice my scrambling around on the floor gathering up the money, but when I reached the top of the building I came across the security guard’s desk and his array of CCTV cameras. He knew all about my filthy little shrapnel secret.

Despite this, the rest of his intelligence on me was hardly impressive. He wanted to bar my entry to the library on the grounds that there were no professional staff on duty at that time of night. He refused to let me through because I would be unable to navigate the collection on my own. I pushed straight past him with every assurance that I would be just fine.

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The flying bride (Rousse)

I floated upright in my shell pink satin wedding gown until I was just above the street lamps of south Morningside. IS gazed up at me in wonder.

I had no idea of how or why I was able to fly unaided with such ease, but felt terribly sorry for those who didn’t share my gift.

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Seagulls feast on evidence of “secret affair” (Rousse)

While I was recovering from the sight of R’s bronzed buttocks hanging out of the tightest pair of denim shorts imaginable, K pulled me outside to show me the evidence of the affair. “Just look at all those uneaten packed lunches” she said, pointing to piles and piles of tiny sandwiches, all wrapped in cellophane and strewn across the lawn.

This supposedly proved that K and P had been sharing romantic lunchtime trysts. I very much doubted this given that neither party liked the other very much. And why would K be gossiping about herself in this way anyway? If what she was revealing to me were true, this was a shameful admission and certainly not something to boast about.

Keen that the sandwiches didn’t go to waste, I took them out of their wrappers and set about feeding them to the seagulls.

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Running-on-the-spot marathon success saves awkward moment (Rousse)

AG showed me, fellow school friend HH, and KL around the house that he rented on Bishopton Road West in Stockton-on-Tees. He explained that ST used it from time to time too as a work base when travelling away from home.

I was curious as to why the rooms were so bare. “That’s because we only watch videos here” AG informed me. KL cast me a curious look from her spot on the floor where she was learning the lines for her next theatrical performance: soon she would be playing the female lead in a famous Greek tragedy. Sensing that this might be a sensitive issue, I swiftly changed the subject and congratulated HH on her recent running-on-the-spot marathon success.

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Secret family members save Rousse from deadly double decker

None of our business colleagues seated at the conference dinner in Darlington had any idea of our secret: no longer divorced, TPR and I had remarried in secret. Instead all eyes were fixed on Tim Atkinson, showing off as usual at his end of the table. He became even more annoying when it was announced that he had won the top industry award of the night.

There was snow on the ground when we left the venue. Not paying due attention to the state of the ground, I slipped off the pavement into the path of a double decker bus. My secret husband, his mother, and three sisters jumped forward as the bus hurtled towards me. I was only saved by the combined super-human strength of my secret family members. They managed to stop the vehicle just in time by catching it in their outstretched arms.

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On trend for autumn 2012: the frog face shoulder bag (Rousse)

The conference exhibition had changed beyond all recognition. Gone were the sales reps touting the latest online systems. In their place craft-folk traded handmade ware, such as traditional wooden toys and hand-woven reed baskets.

On a leatherwork stall I saw a green shoulder bag shaped as a frog’s face. “That would be perfect for work” I thought. I quickly paid the bargain price of £4.99 before anyone else spotted my find.

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How to capture a Christmas turkey (Rousse)

A herd of 100 Christmas turkeys roamed the moorland above Corbridge, cared for by their minder – a slim blonde girl in Dubarry boots.

The birds’ colouring was a beautiful match for the purple heather. I wondered if I could persuade a bunch of them to stay still long enough for me to capture a shot in situ for my photo journal?

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Rousse’s rubbish reunion

This was the most peculiar of university reunions.

First the woman across the table congratulated me on another successful event. “I didn’t organise this!” I responded. (I secretly added “Had I been in charge this would have amounted to far more than a drab tea party for ten people. Where is everyone? For goodness sake, they haven’t even managed to summon up JS. It’s a disgrace!”)

Later I was told that SB was not attending because of “domestic difficulties” – by SB herself who was sitting next to me. She didn’t appreciate the lack of logic in her claim.

Then there were the impostors who had no right to be there at all: CM and MSB from my running club (the latter showing an unusual interest in dentistry), and SF from my primary school, who couldn’t help admitting how much he admired the firework themed mittens that I wore to class when I was eleven.

This was all too much for me to cope with so TPR and I battled our way through a crowd of Manchester United fans to catch the bus from Leith back into central Birmingham.

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