Sympathy and ping pong (Rousse)

When XY broke down in tears in my room I realised that the only way to comfort him would be to invite him into my bed. Between sobs he listed many injustices others waged against his research projects, using this information to justify why all his work should pass on to me. When I said that I’d never even heard of Project Violet he used this as illustration of the lack of interest that others showed in his work. He was also extremely angry with his boss. “Only you and EH seem to do any work around here” he said, adding quickly “Oh, and you both look great in your little skirt suits”.

In the middle of all this a stranger mistakenly walked into the room twice. He was clearly embarrassed to find us lying on the bed together (as was my weeping companion), but I wasn’t bothered. He could think what he wanted, but I knew that I had done nothing wrong.

Afterwards I headed back to base. My route took me through the (1) British Library; (2) a careers fair to encourage women into science, technology, engineering and maths; and (3) a blue and silver themed formal dinner in honour of senior members of the City of Edinburgh Council. Part-way through my travels a little old man approached me in the street and asked if I would join him for a game of table tennis. I regretted that I did not have time to stop, then watched him head off to ask another woman to partner him.

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The fish-eating fake vegan (Rousse)

My office-mate was up to his usual annoying habits, behaving as if he had exclusive use of our shared room. He’d taken my poster off the door and replaced it with a congratulatory banner for his final year class. He also kept locking me out whenever I wandered along the corridor to the school office.

Then, to cap it all, he suddenly declared that he was a vegan! However, when I invited him back to the house for a kidney bean stew supper just five minutes later, he responded with a request for peas, white rice, and smoked mackerel.

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Cycling academics, poor publishing standards, diet Coke rations, a farewell disco, and stiletto heels (Rousse)

I cycled to work to mark the last day of operation of Queen Margaret’s Corstorphine campus. Many other Edinburgh academics did the same, discussing the poor standard of journal submissions as they rode the route.

Because it was such a special day I allowed myself three cans of diet Coke (two more than my usual ration) over the course of the morning’s meetings, and agreed to attend the farewell disco that started at 2pm in the college grounds.

My university pals SL (was SPC) and HJ (was HW) (last seen together on a train heading towards the mountains of the north) agreed to come along, as did my childhood friend GT – so long as she could find a pair of cream stilettos to fit her gnarled feet.

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An over-ambitious walk (Rousse)

My school friends PM, SR and I embarked on a ludicrous 200 mile walk from Edinburgh to Hexham and back. Our goal was to cover the course in one day. We didn’t make it.

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Queen and Duke of Edinburgh spend Christmas with commoners in Northumberland (Rousse)

The Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh decided to break with tradition and spend Christmas away from Sandringham. Instead of surrounding themselves with members of their own family, the royal couple accepted an invitation to celebrate the festivities at my parents’ house in Northumberland.

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Scandal of Yorkshire tourist information office that charges visitors to look at the moon (Rousse)

We visited widower K in a Yorkshire village. He, along with his two small sons and daughter, seemed to be coping well since the death of his wife. I noticed that the little girl’s nails needed cutting, but she knew this and assured me that she would deal with it herself.

One of the attractions of K’s village was its famous view of the moon. TPR and I climbed the steep hill to check it out. We returned by abseiling down a perilous cliff face, clinging for dear life to the rope that held us.

When we entered the tourist information office back in the village centre the man on the desk issued us with tickets for our moon walk. “That will be £27 each” he said. I refused to pay on the basis that looking at the moon was free of charge. He responded that dodging the charge was as heinous a crime as rape. He was quite taken aback with the tirade of feminist fury that his comment prompted.

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An orphan’s treat cut short (Rousse)

I volunteered to help with the orphans by taking charge of a very snotty two year old. A male colleague and I chaperoned the toddler around town following instructions issued by a lady dressed in a brown tartan outfit.

Unfortunately we lost our instructor at a bus stop and had no idea what to do next. The only option was to trek across snowy Calton Hill back to Waverley Court to return the child to the care of the City of Edinburgh Council.

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Richard Osman: unrequited love, unwanted sprouts (Belle)

I was in the back seat of a car driven by Richard Osman.  As I looked out of the window I once again felt the sharp pain of unrequited love. 

He parked the car and dashed into his house, returning with a gift for me.  It was beautifully wrapped in thick clear plastic and tied with a royal blue ribbon.  When I opened it, however, I was disappointed to find only baby sprouts, sprout tops and coriander seeds. 

When we arrived at my house, my mother had left us all a drink of watered down, warm Baileys Irish Cream.  When I picked up my glass it shattered into a thousand pieces.  Obviously, she was still trying to kill me.

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David Mitchell’s photography one-upmanship lands university professor in trouble (Rousse)

David Mitchell showed me his DSLR camera and its a full range of lenses. It was then – two days into our two week holiday touring the Scottish highlands – that I realised that I only had the telephoto lens for my own camera. I had left everything else at home. Although it would be a pain, it was worth turning back 28 miles to return to Edinburgh the next day and collect the rest of my photography equipment. In any case, someone was needed to take my little sister’s friend back to town after a night away with my family, so I might as well do this at the same time.

The next morning we set off for the city by foot. Crossing the moorland riddled with ditches was very difficult. In some places the track disappeared completely, and in others it was replaced by rope ladders and zip wires.

At sea level we eventually reached a National Trust visitor centre. We walked past the main exhibition and into the street where we were greeted by one of the mothers of my little sister’s friends. She said that she could tell that we were desperate for a car, handed over a bunch of keys, and ran off into the distance.

From the keys in my hand it looked like I had a choice of a Lotus sports car, a mark 3 Ford Granada, and a Range Rover. All I needed to do now is identify from the row of parked cars one that matched a key, and then we’d soon be on our way. This was not as easy as it seemed – there were far too many cars to check – and I soon realised that I needed to recruit some help. I identified a group of my little sister’s friends and bent down to talk to them.

I’d barely spent two minutes with the children when a busybody raced up to us and hauled me away from them. When I explained what I was doing she declared that this was just the kind of evidence to prove that I was a child abductor. I rejected this as ridiculous, adding that I was a university professor. “Even better” she replied “I can’t wait to see how the Sun will use that information in the headline when you are convicted”. With this she marched me off to the police station.

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Films stars and seals meet their maker on Devon beach (Rousse)

TPR sat on a bar stool at the other end of the café. While chatting away to some random woman, he glanced in my direction and winked the message “Don’t worry, I know I’m yours. I’ll be over to you soon”.

While I waited for him I helped a family rearrange some tables so that they could sit together. Then we all watched with a growing sense of alarm as yet another film star’s name was added to the list on the café’s whiteboard. How many more would die on that Devon beach?

Later the same day TPR and I walked down to the sea ourselves, taking a route through the potato field. The entire shoreline was lined with dead seals.

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